Gastineau Syndrome

I usually don't comment on the statistics on people coming to this blog. But something has changed. I've seen the visits to this page increase dramatically lately.

It seems that ever since Google crawled all over the Lisa Gastineau entry, people are coming here for her information. That's disturbing on several levels.

However, the most interesting fact to come out of it is the fact that my original post threw the hate onto both Lisa and Victoria Gotti, and, in some odd twist of fate and hormones, Lisa Gastineau had an affair with Victoria's mafia father, John.

Because of this, Victoria would not appear at an event that Lisa was attending.

Fascinating.

On the Lighter Side

Things have been a little too serious on this blog lately, so be sure to check out his moving .gif on why you should probably blow out the flaming sambuca before you drink it.

You could also watch it in windows media player, which has the added bonuses (boni?) of screeching girls in the background, and seeing that the guy is alright. (well, physically anyway.)

[Thanks, Lori!]

No Work

Sometimes they write themselves.

The Washington Post:

Bush's short and meticulously crafted statement about his position on future Social Security benefits presented editors and reporters with a choice: Should they lead with what he said ....

... or what he meant?

For all my ranting and raving yesterday - kudos to those of you that made it through that entire post - it is amazing how little was said at Bush's press conference. From the same Post article (I know, I depend upon them too much.):

Here, in fact, is the sum total of what Bush had to say that was new regarding Social Security: "I propose a Social Security system in the future where benefits for low-income workers will grow faster than benefits for people who are better off. By providing more generous benefits for low-income retirees, we'll make this commitment: If you work hard and pay into Social Security your entire life, you will not retire into poverty. This reform would solve most of the funding challenges facing Social Security."

Why on earth did that take an hour, and garner Bush the ire of millions of O.C. devotees?

Head, meet wall.

Blogger-willing, I'm going to live-blog President Bush's prime time press conference tonight.

A bit of background courtesy of The Washington Post:

For the first time in over a year, President Bush will hold a prime-time news conference tonight, at 8:30 p.m. ET.

His goal: Stop the bleeding.

Friday marks the end of the first 100 days of Bush's second term. And Sunday marks the end of his 60-day Social Security barnstorming tour.

As Bush approaches those mileposts, many observers are noting his low approval ratings and his lack of progress in achieving some key initiatives and they wonder: Has the president overreached? Has he lost his touch? Is he already a lame duck?

Tonight's news conference creates an opportunity for Bush to assert that he is still relevant, enthusiastically reaffirm his domestic and international agendas, and ask the American people directly for their support.

The Post also quotes ABC's The Note and their guesses as to what we will see:

"Reporters' topics that the President's creative team will have prepared him for will include: Poll numbers (Bush will be dismissive, and answer such questions with off-topic information); Iraq's slip back into violence following the election (Bush will use his standard 'Democracy is hard,' along with an historical allusion to how long it took the colonists in America to get up and running); Bush's weird relationship with the Saudis (Bush will talk about good progress in the Middle East and ANWR); the economy ('The economy is strong,' he will say in channeling Don Evans and marshalling the best stats.)

"Also: Conservative dissent on tax caps; the federal marriage amendment; will Jews go to heaven?; if Tom DeLay is found culpable by the ethics committee, should he step aside as leader?; does he support the decision to rescind GOP-backed ethics rule changes?; did he lie to Harry Reid about not politicizing the filibuster debate?; is John Bolton an angry man?

I will not be doing any typing myself - I'll be busy in the corner watching the TV, drinking vast quantities of alcohol and mainlining prozac while flicking the light on and off á la Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

My editorial assistant Giuseppe will be typing and posting my comments. Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors; after fleeing Benedict XVI and landing in America, his English is not perfect. Also, I pay him in Hot Pockets^tm.

So stay tuned! The conference starts at 8:30ERT (Eastern Reagan Time - the Republicans have renamed the time zone to honor the man who saved the world from, well, everything. He single-handedly ended Communism and saved the Unicorns!)

The press conference will be broadcast on many stations, like NRC (National Reagan Company), CRS (Columbia Reagan System) and ARC (American Reagan Company).

Giuseppe, you take over, the screen is blurring...

7:27pm - no chance of them canceling it now.

7:33pm - CNN is reporting that Bush will announce a new section of his Social Security Plan - something about indexing, but I don't think it has to do with 4X6 cards. However, he is not dropping the idea of "Personal Accounts."

7:38pm - Joseph Biden is on MSNBC discussing the democratic filibuster issue. It's interesting that now the term "nuclear option" is being credited to the Democrats, when it was the Republicans that started using it - then switched terms after it was decided that major death and destruction wasn't the best imagery. Other phrase voted down by the Republicans: "Filibuster Abortion."

7:44pm - Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) is on MSNBC, she thinks the president will argue for more wind power for energy. Not pictured: Her crack pipe.

7:48pm - Did you know Family Feud is still on tv?! It's on the PAX network, that sidekick guy from Home Improvement hosts it. It still sucks the big one.

7:51pm - Live shot on FOX News of the East Room in the White House where the conference will take place - looks like the press actually put on pressed suits for once. Also, where are the women?

7:53pm - if you pull on your eyebrows.. it's amazing how many hairs come out.

7:57pm - now they are saying this puppy will start at 8:01pm. huh? It's not like American Idol is on tonight.

7:59pm - Refill this glass!!!

8:00pm - Red Tie ... angry.

8:01pm - Gasoline first. "I want to help familes" therefore, we must have more oil. (What happened to all that oil we were going to get from Iraq? You know, that oil that was going to pay for the war?)

8:02pm - Four key steps to better energy. (My head hurts already. Oh, Four steps = one passing of the Bush Energy Bill. By this summer. On his desk. Wait.. he won't be in DC in the summer.)

8:03pm - On to social security - Bush says it's doomed - not true, but it helps his cause. Again, he says the baby boomers are to blame. Damn you boomers! in 2041 social security will be bankrupt. Well, tell me Mr. Bush, what will your TRILLION dollar deficit mean then? What are you doing for that?

8:06pm - Bush announces a "better deal" for younger workers. Benefits equal to or better to what we have now. Bush proposes more money for poor people, a reform, how? I have no fucking idea. Bush is looking for "good faith proposals" that do not harm our economy. Well, if it's not going to harm the economy, it's not going to come from the White House.

8:08pm - Personal Accounts. Higher rate of return my ass. Suppliment check from Social Security. Notice he doesn't note that if personal accounts are enacted that he wants to GUT the government money put into Social Security. I still ask, what happens to people that invest in this fully and lose all their money. oops. Will the gov't be there to bail them out?

8:12pm - Question Time! Fun!

8:13pm - All paraphrase (folks, these will ALL be paraphrases, i'm boiling it down for you): Terry Hunt: Are you Sad?
Bush: It's been a long time since anyone has done any work. I have a duty. We're just getting started. By the time I'm done we'll have a much BIGGER deficit. (ok. he didn't say that at all.)

8:14pm - Bush: Once America realizes there is a problem, then they'll ask for change. Me: yeah, I hope they realize in 2008 when they vote the repubs out of office.

8:16pm - Steve: Iraq question... bombing are still happening.
Bush: We're winning. some aren't happy with democracy. they want to go back to mass graves. (let's not talk about the over 100,000 Iraqis this war has killed).
Bush: Iraq is hard.

8:18pm - Bush: today I talked to the prime minister of Iraq, I used MCI. (ok, lies). I reminded him that his Constitution is due, and that he cannot do extra credit to make up the grade.

8:19pm - David Greggory - what a cutie - brings up the Family Research Council - does not burst into flames. Reporter: why are people so against who you nominated for judges? Bush: They should get an up or down vote. (so no filibuster, bush? no tradition?!). Bush: judges should not be activists (not said: unless they are on my side.)

8:20pm - John: how do your energy bill help us right now?
Bush: I told you already. We needs more of the oil. The black gold. prices, they be too high. If a country can make more, they should. Cuz oil is king. I wish i could WAVE A MAGIC WAND (bush says this ALL THE TIME).
Drudge volunteers wand.

8:21pm - Bush: I need gas.

8:23pm - Terry.. oh, NO NO.. back to John. Tussle.. Reporters wrestle on the white house floor... No pudding involved.

8:24pm - Terry (wait, is that the SAME terry? How many terries are there?!): If we are winning the war on terrorism, why are so many more people dead and rotting?
Bush: Cuz we're doing it in foreign countries, that causes death. I need to spread for democracy.

8:26pm - some woman (nice suit): what about Putin? you still in love with him? He's giving weapons to bad men.
Bush: I had a long talk with him. I sat him down. He said he supports democracy, and I trust him, and the Condi. She's so pretty. I'm working close with the Russkes. Weapons may be bad, I don't appreciate that, so I stopped drinking vodka before noon. (ok, some lies there.)

8:27pm - Carl: Refill this glass you muscle-bound mimbo!

8:28pm - ummmm, Bolton stuff. *yawn*

8:31pm - Bush: The UN is good, but not TOO good.

8:32pm - Stretch (stretch? is that Jeff Gannon?! no, wait, he's "pumped", not "stretch"): personal accounts, must be?
Bush: yes. it has to be. I feel strongly about that because of debt. (what? so you privatize it and it costs billions more?)
Bush: why can only the rich have money? (not said: Like me, and my family, and my friends. I'm rich. I can buy and sell you, Flicka.)

8:34pm - David: when the troops come home from Iraq?
Bush: No timetables, they make my head hurt. As soon as possible, as soon as the Iraqis can cause as much trouble as we do.

8:37pm - This is where Wolf Blitzer goes to the can, he has a stagehand fill him in later. Hey, you gotta drain the lizard.

8:38pm - North Korea: s'bad. they might have weapons. I think the best way to work with this is to bring leverage - bring in more countries to work with us. (You know, just like what I DIDN'T do in Iraq. (You forgot Poland!!))

8:40pm - Ed: why does everyone hate everyone else in DC?
Bush: I'm disappointed. I thought everyone would want to work together. I wanted to work with everyone. But there is a bad cloud over DC - the insiders. (OF WHICH I AM ONE, DUH). I'm proud of my party. We're full of ideas - like keeping a feeding tube in a dead woman.

8:42pm - Carl screams: "No Shit! No Shit, ya bastard!"

8:43pm - Bill: will anything get done?
Bush: ah, we're working on stuff, and I sign stuff all the time. I signed for a FedEX package just this morning. It was a new shower curtain for my friend. It had the fish on it. Nice. (I know, lies lies lies)

8:45pm - random reporter: North Korea, talk more.
Bush: blah blah blah blah blah let's do in N. Korea what we never did in Iraq. blah blah blah blah.

8:48pm - John: Economy. no growth, just bumps in the road? this concerns you?
Bush: I am concerned. Gas pump. (huh? How did we get back to gas prices? that's a nice spin Mr. Bush.)

8:50pm - How long does this go on? Jesus.

8:52pm - tax reform. let's make it easier, and make people pay. (christ, which president HASN'T said this?)

8:53pm - Reporter: no child left behind, you're getting sued for it, 'splain.
Bush: we're making progress. We're going to spend money to help the states. (I'm sorry, but the reason you are being sued is because schools do NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to meet your demands. You are pushing these requirements to the states.) (Plus, I don't like you, I don't like you one bit.)

8:54: Reporter: What about the lawsuit against you?
Bush: talk to my lawyer. (sure he wasn't in Hollywood for any length of time? Maybe he's watching Law and Order.)

8:55pm - Mr, Knocks(sp?): North Korea again, what is this, a press meme?

8:37pm - Bush: Last question - TV shows are important
Hutch (huh?): Social Security, indexing? (4x6?) How far will you go - (OOH he mentioned dick cheney)..
Bush: That'll be negotiated ... let the congress do it. No one will retire in poverty. Everyone will have money. It's all good, pass the doobie. (ok, I cannot report this, he didn't say that at all, Carl is VERY drunk now.)

8:59pm - Carl: DAMN YOU OHIO! DAMN YOU OHIO!!!
Bush: Thank you, God bless our country.
Carl: IT'S OHIO'S FAULT! THEY DESERVE ANYTHING THEY GET! WHO'S TOUCHING ME? GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

===END===

Like a Crystal Ball!

Thank the Lord for The Washington Times.

Here's today's actual front page, proving the hours of slavish research they must put in to come up with new and exciting ideas that aren't obvious at all.

Through an exclusive relationship with a secret insider, I have obtained images of the front page of The Washington Times for three days IN THE FUTURE. Please keep these under your hat. I'd hate to scoop them.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Not Yet!

I have nothing against older people.

In fact, I have a lot of respect for AARP and their work, especially after they were wrongly attacked by USANext, a conservative advocacy group promoting corporate wealth.

I get odd mail all the time, catalogs for odd home remedies (magnets to cure body odor?) and ugly collectibles, even promotions for PlayBoy magazine (they're not doing their research).

I reached a whole new level of shock (supa-shock?) when I received a letter from the AARP, complete with temporary membership card, in the mail today.

I thought they may have me confused with my father - we have similar names - but no, there's my middle initial, front and center.

The letter is nice, I suppose they mean well:

Our records show that you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership, even though you are fully eligible.

As a member, you'll have the resources and information you need to get the most out of life over 50. You'll have access to exclusive discounts.

I have to admit, those discounts are tempting, as are some of the benefits listed in the letter. It's why older people look so darn happy - look at some of the fun benefits for only $12.50 a year!

Save at thousands of hotels, motels and resorts worldwide.

Low-interest, no-fee AARP credit card.

An AARP safe-driving course.

And More!

Tempting, but I'm twenty-nine!

I look forward to your joining us. I think you'll agree with our other members: AARP is one of America's very best values.

29!

Quick to Judge? Good!

I'll admit it. I'm a snob.

There are things that people do, say or live in that make me cringe. I had a regular cringe-fest while reading a recent Washington Post article.

You may be a snob, too! I've selflessly put together this handy-dandy test to tell. Give yourself one point for each of the following quotes - all taken from that Post article - that make you cringe (muttering "My God" under your breath counts.) Scoring follows.

1.

To Bypass Ban, Relatives Wed in [Maryland] After Years of Seeking Acceptance

2.

ALTOONA, Pa.

3.

He also knew, even as a mere lad of 14, that this never would be just any romance, because the object of that rapturous gaze happened to be his cousin Eleanor.

4.

They knew their attraction -- she had felt it, too -- was taboo, and they kept it more or less a secret. That is, until last month, when they decided it was time to marry.

5.

... such groups as Cousins United to Defeat Discriminating Laws Through Education (C.U.D.D.L.E.)

6.

Friends dredged up Bible passages to scold them.

7.

They settled down in their blue-and-white mobile home ...

8.

... with three dogs, a cat, two guinea pigs named Beavis and Butt-Head, and an iguana that loves to eat kiwi.

9.

Andrews collects disability payments from the government.

10.

Amrhein works at the courtesy desk at Wal-Mart.

11.

"I tell people I married her for the health benefits and the Wal-Mart discount card," Andrews said, only half-joking.

12.

They agree to disagree on other things. He smokes Jacks 100's; she prefers Marlboros.

13.

He gushes at the thought of walking into Red Lobster and picking out the plumpest one in the tank.

14.

... don't ask her about eating groundhog. "It smells like a pork chop frying. Tastes like chicken," he said, helpfully.

15.

Six years ago, he proposed to her at the jewelry case in Wal-Mart

16.

Staff researchers Magda Jean-Louis and Bobbye Pratt contributed to this report.

1 - 3 Cringes: You are fine. Obviously, you cannot read the English language.

4 - 6 Cringes: I should have been more clear. You can use fingers on both hands to count.

7 - 9 Cringes: Your thirteenth summer, the old couch out in the garage, a slight summer wind keeping the stifling humidity at bay ... you and cousin Pat play tonsil hockey. Am I right?

10 - 12 Cringes: Close. Please be more judgmental in the future. Remember, if you don't understand it, it's wrong. Watch the 700 Club for quick pointers.

13 - 15 Cringes: Ahhhh. Feel the mental and social superiority pulsing within your veins? Feels good, doesn't it? Enjoy that feeling until the next time you read a glossy magazine and realize you're at least six months behind on culture, shopping & music.

16 Cringes: Bitch.

mmmmmmmmmm. cow.

Why do farmer's market apples taste so much better than those at the store?

I have a feeling it has to do with not being slathered with wax and farmed in huge huge orchards. I don't think that they are so much "fresher," apples can stay good for months in the right storage, but they certainly are tasty. (and no grapples!)

The farmer's market where I live is open every Sunday, year-round, rain or shine. They always have apples, but this is an exciting time of the year - each week new vegetables and fruits and flowers appear (It's like a big fresh food cotillion). Farmer's Markets in the winter are depressing. It's all apples and cauliflower (and sometimes snow).

Today was a great day at the market. I got apples (of course, how can you not get apples?), freshly baked sunflower/flaxseed bread (a cute little loaf) and freshly made cheddar cheese. So fresh that if you concentrate really hard - you can smell the cow it came from. (the technical term for this is "Heifer Fresh.")

A friend and I always have fun at the farmer's market. Actually, a lot of the fun is breakfast at a local tea shop after the market. Then either back home or off to a huge Rite-Aid nearby for the weeks' necessary (and completely unnecessary) items (new window fan!).

Now, back home, I'm thinking maybe some fresh bread, cheese and apples for dinner.

You Can't Buy Class

[UPDATE 5/29/05: You're watching the Gastineau Girls marathon on E! today, aren't you? And so you searched for more info? Shame on you! Put on PBS for chrissake! Also, welcome!]

Enough is enough.

When did the survey come out - read by every TV executive - that showed that Americans love to watch rich people and their problems?

Like most things, including hair loss and the Iran-Contra Scandal - Paris Hilton is to blame. "The Simple Life" garnered huge ratings in their first season as her and her ex-galpal Nicole Richie wandered around the country making fun of (ha ha!) poor people (ha ha!). Soon everyone decided to jump on the annoying band wagon.

E! Network - who is currently suing A&E for use of a punctuation mark in their name - recently began showing "Gastineau Girls." The story of Lisa Gastineau, ex-wife of football star and wife beater Mark Gastineau, and her needs-a-behavior-intervention daughter, Brittny (who apparently can afford a $10,000 a month Upper East Side apartment, but couldn't pay for an extra "E" in her name).

I'd resist watching this show, but I have to wonder if this will be the week that Lisa's face finally gives way and her cheeks sag to her knees. Get that woman's plastic surgeon an award. Then shoot him.

Gastineau Girls - while vile - isn't even the worst offender. That honor must go to "Growing Up Gotti" on A&E. How these people got a television show isn't hard to figure out - they're not talented at anything besides being their own awful selves.

Victoria Gotti - like Lisa Gastineau - didn't work for her money. Her father was alleged New York Mafia don John Gotti, whose rise to the top left a long line of corpses in his wake. Gotti bribed and threatened jurors in several cases in the 80's - each time being acquitted - and garnering the "Teflon Don" name.

In 1992 Gotti was convicted by a jury in 1992 for 14 counts of murder, conspiracy to commit murder, loansharking, racketeering, obstruction of justice, illegal gambling, and tax evasion. So you can rest assured that some of the money Victoria Gotti is spending was stolen from American tax payers (or dead bodies). Fun!

Victoria's children - Carmine, John ... and ... mmmmmm ... Sneezy - have inherited every superficial, annoying trait from their mother. The tacky jewel-encrusted acorn doesn't fall far from the inherited wealth tree.

While it will be interesting to see if "Growing Up Gotti" discusses Carmine and John getting beat up in a mall parking lot; it's not worth sitting through the whining, the mumbling and the fucking profanity. (bastards.) Though it is interesting to see the Gotti boys act like thugs and then freak out when someone uses their hair gel - they're like the worst stereotypical frat boy covered in a shiny sheen of forced metrosexuality.

If you do see it, be sure to watch as Victoria consistently complains about her children and their behavior, until they do something wrong, in which case it's everyone else's fault. Not her angels!

I can only hope that this trend is coming to an end. Ratings for Hilton's "The Simple Life" have fallen off dramatically, Gastineau Girls is garnering bad press for E!, and A&E may wake up and realize that this fare is decidedly below them.

Until then, pray for a stock market crash.

Ship of the Damned

The Thomas Mooore Center Presents:
A Battle for American Values*
A Cruise featuring Bill O'Reilly**
Host of FOX News' O'Reilly Factor
aboard Holland America's*** Newest Vessel, The Pedantic

Sail with Bill O'Reilly and Enjoy:

- Two Appearances by Bill O'Reilly, reading from his new book "I May Be Rich, But I'm Looking Out For You"****

- Symposium hosted by the Thomas Mooore Law Center: How to fight the ACLU.*****

- Private Cocktail party. Cocks and Tails provided. Loofah sponges = $45

- Seminar with Al Franken (Just Kidding! Free time available with Al Franken punching bag (the "Frankenbag") in our buffet room.)

- Depart Fort Lauderdale with stops at: Jamaica (guards supplied to keep black people away from you), Cozumel (This sounds French, but is not. We swear.), and Camp X-Ray (tours allowing you to spit on prisoner leaves every half hour!)

- 327 McDonald's and 783 Wal-Marts on board for your convenience!******


"Pinhead" Special!: We will give you $50 in "buffet bucks" for every fannypack brought on board!*******

Cost: $8,456 per person, plus your sense of common decency. Discount available for those that can make Hummus.

*Note: No Actual Battle Will Take Place. Please do Not Bring Guns On Board.
**Mr. O'Reilly will not be sunbathing on board. Please do not bring suntan lotion on board with the express intent of smearing it on Mr. O'Reilly's silky smooth body.
*** A new company to boycott? Hey, just putting it out there. (Shut Up, America Hating Liberal!)
**** Mr. O'Reilly will only sign books purchased on board. Books at sea sell for a low, low price of $89 (after "water" fees). Cash only.
*****Full Title: How to Fight the ACLU with Fists. Fists with Brass Knuckles if You Can Find Those. Yeah, Those are Good. That'll Get Them.
******You will be required to work at the Wal-Mart on board for very low wages. Just like in America!
*******Air America fannypacks do NOT count. You will be stoned. We're not kidding, the sea is freakin FULL of stones!

Terms and Conditions: You will obey us. Any attempt to not obey us will result in being called a "pinhead" on National television. Is that what you want? To be called a pinhead? I didn't think so. So, stay in line, bitch! Oh, you like that, don't you? Being called a bitch. You're a dirty little slut and you LOVE it. You know you do.

LaRouche on Mars

I never think much about Lyndon LaRouche. Well, sometimes I do, but the words "kooky freak" always came to mind - and then I think about something else, like what I'm going to have for lunch.

As is tradition, every four years, Lyndon LaRouche climbs out of his guarded compound in Virginia and runs for president of the United States. Plus, if he sees his shadow, we get three more weeks of crazy.

It's so easy to call a politician crazy - people do it all the time to many politicians of all political stripes. But LaRouche, just like Rosie O'Donnell, has gone on the record as being crazy.

From a speech in 1973:

"How do you brainwash somebody? . . . you build them up for fear in males and females of homosexuality, aim them for an anal identification with anal sex, their mouth is identified with fellatio. Their mouth is identified only with the penis -- that kind of sex, and with woman. Womanhood is the fellatio of the male mouth in a man who has been brainwashed by the KGB; that is sucking penises. . . ."

"First they say your father was nothing, your father was a queer, your father was a woman. They play very strongly on homosexual fears. It doesn't work on women... Most women are to a large degree homosexual in this society. The relationship between daughter and mother is homosexual, so the thing is not much of a threat."

In a 1978 publication:

"Israel is ruled from London as a zombie-nation" and that Zionism is "the state of selective psychosis through which London manipulates most of the international Jewry." In describing Zionism as "a hideous cult," LaRouche went on to allege that the Nazis "only" killed "about a million and a half" Jews and asserted that Hitler had been put into power largely with the backing of certain Jewish financial interests.

And, most appallingly, from the pamphlet, "Why Your Child Became a Drug Addict":

"The Beatles had no genuine musical talent, but were a product shaped according to British Psychological Warfare Division specifications."

From Rotten.com:

Some of LaRouche's past proposals have included a quarantine of AIDS victims and the colonization of Mars. He has charged that Queen Elizabeth II is a drug dealer, and that Henry Kissinger and Walter Mondale are Soviet agents.

Colonization of Mars! What kind of crazy person would propose that!? Oh, wait.

The LaRouche movement is most noticeable near presidential elections. Like ants at a picnic. Large bands of surprisingly young (LaRouche is 137 years old) "Rouchies" take to the streets - usually around college campuses - to get others to join the cause.

LaRouche has run for president every election since 1980, even in 1996 when he ran from prison after being incarcerated for tax evasion.

Additionally, every four years a large van with LaRouche signs drives slowly around D.C. blasting LaRouche speeches and music - usually pieces like Handel's Messiah. That symbolism is a bit crazy. (There's that word again.)

All this came to mind to me today, as I was walking home from getting lunch (a delicious salad and piece of whole grain bread - thankyouforasking.) and was handed LaRouche propaganda by some young girl on the street. Don't these people ever rest?

I can only hope that when colonizing Mars LaRouche is sent up first.

Spacesuit optional.

New Pope, Old Ideas?

From WashingtonPost.com:

VATICAN CITY, April 19 -- Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, long known as the chief guardian of Roman Catholic orthodoxy, was elected Tuesday to succeed Pope John Paul II. He took the name Pope Benedict XVI.

So far so good, right? New Pope, very exciting!

... the choice also prompted expressions of skepticism from some Catholics and others who view Ratzinger as a hard-liner on key social issues and fear he could be a divisive figure.

Uh oh. What's going on here?

During last year's U.S. presidential election campaign, he wrote a letter advising American bishops to deny communion to politicians supporting abortion rights -- a move criticized by supporters of Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kerry, a Catholic.

Whoa-hoo-hoo. This doesn't look good.

Ratzinger also cautioned Europe against admitting predominantly Muslim Turkey to the European Union on grounds that the continent is essentially Christian.

Whoa Nellie! When did that happen? I'm still amazed at times at the amount of information and news out of Europe that never reaches American shores. This is quite an announcement.

In his sermon Monday in St. Peter's, Ratzinger defended a conservative approach to faith.

This is not what I was hoping for. I understand that an institution that is over 2,000 years old takes its time when changing major ideals.

I also recognize that the election of Ratzinger - Pope Benedict XVI - will be seen my many, including myself, as a transitional pope. Ratzinger is in his late 70's, the oldest Pope in over three centuries - and much older than John Paul II when he became Pope.

It is already being reported that Catholics that have a more liberal approach to the church are very turned off by the new appointment - and I have to agree with them. Honestly, I have to agree when some say it is time for Vatican III reforms - the Catholic church is in need of a substantial change in orthodoxy, or else it faces a gradual extinction.

I can only hope that now that Ratzinger has ascended to the highest office of the Catholic faith he will be more understanding of the many needs of the church both in America and around the world.

It's something to pray for.


UPDATE (8:15PM): As always, Gawker sums this up easily:

Sorry, Gays: Pope Benedict XVI is in tha house.

Juxtaposition

I love the newest member of the Gawker family. Sploid is their twist on tabloid headlines. Newest information goes up top - it trickles down during the day.

It's the combination of headline and picture that I truly enjoy, their editors seem to have a keen eye for humor.

Always inappropriate and dedicated to an "anarcho-capitalist" political line, [their made-up word, not mine] it's a (another) site I enjoy popping in on several times a day.

Drudge is never this fun.

From Sploid:

"Low Carb Diet" my ass

December 2003 ------- April 2005

Nicole Richie, please ingest something!
[and not through your nose!]

Chompin at the Big One

I'm off to New York City for the next few days - vacation, not work. I won't be able to update my blog until I return on Monday, April 18th.

Until then, after reading my new posts below, why not check out some of the excellent links on my blog-roll? The only effort it takes is a quick scroll down.

See you on Monday!

[Photo shamelessly stolen from Exploding Dog. Another great place to visit!]

And It Keeps them Warm on Grates!

From the GAP press release:

We here at GAP are happy to announce our new line of "Broken-In"^TM shirts. They join our acclaimed lines of clothing including "Worn-Ripe"^TM jeans, "Ripped-Frayed"^TM skirts and "Eww-What-Is-That-Stain"^TM underwear.

We realize how little time the modern consumer has to properly make a shirt comfortable, and we also realize how few of our consumers want to own clothes that look new. (How Square!)

That's why we hand out new 100% fine cotton shirts to homeless people around the New York City and Washington, D.C. area. Our "homies"^TM are happy to break in these shirts - and we're sure they love showing off their new GAP style.

Because we are committed to happiness the world over, we are always sure to get our "homies"^TM blind drunk on GAP brand fortified wine^TM before ripping the shirts from their bodies and whisking them off to our over 800 outlets worldwide.

OK. That's a lie.^TM

I bought four.

More lies!

[Not a lie: Photo taken my yours truly - with my for-shit camera phone - at the 2000 Pennsylvania Avenue GAP. The security guard looked at me funny when I burst out laughing in the shirt section.]

Happy in the Nation's Capital

In an odd move, Karl Rove tells President Bush that today is the day to impliment his new program aiming to garner new votes from Washington, D.C. natives and homosexuals.

Honestly, he did his best, but one should always be careful of the moves you're attempting during Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive."

I'm not sure RFK Stadium was the right venue for the program either.

D.C. Welcomes Back Baseball

Two Liars and an Ass

I do so enjoy reading Media Matters for America. While obviously gunning for right wingers and avoiding the gaffes of lefties - they still manage to use facts and the own words and actions of Conservative blowhards to hoist them on their own petard. [I've always wanted to use that phrase!]

I've listed a few examples below. There is a lot more background information on the people and issues involved on their website, but these quick quotes get to the heart of what makes their reporting such a joy to read.

Everything in dark blue below is taken from Media Matters. Naturally, the profane comments are mine.

Media Matters doesn't go as far as calling these guys liars. So, I will.

From the April 8 broadcast of Westwood One's The Radio Factor with Bill O'Reilly:

[CALLER]: Thanks for takin' my call, Bill ... about 12 to 18 months ago you were saying that the Pope was also autocratic and senile. And you didn't like him --
...
O'REILLY: All right, well, you're takin' some kinda propaganda 'cause I never said the pope was senile. [A]nybody listening to me and watching The Factor knows I've been very consistent about the pope, and two areas I felt his pronouncements were wrong, and otherwise, I admired him as a very holy man who had a deep respect for life. And that's the truth of that matter.

From the December 12, 2002, edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor:

O'REILLY: Well, wait a minute. Hear me out. We all know, everybody knows -- even Law knows. Everybody but the pope, who's too senile to know, and I say that with all due respect. I don't think the pope is lucid, I don't think he knows what's going on ...

Well, Bill, I think you're a fucking idiot, and I say that will all due respect.

O'Reilly again - must be nice to be so popular!

During the August 28, 2001, O'Reilly Factor, in response to a comment by Terry O'Neill, vice-president for membership of the National Organization of Women, that "You [O'Reilly] support the death penalty ... " O'Reilly said,

"No, I don't. ... I'm against the death penalty, Miss O'Neill."

During the Talking Points Memo segment of the March 15 edition of The O'Reilly Factor:

Item: Even though Nichols murdered four law officers, Howard has not yet decided whether to seek the death penalty. What? Can you believe this guy? An accused rapist guns down four people, and you don't seek the maximum sentence? What the deuce is going on?

What? Can you believe this guy?

On to Robert Novak, another great guy...

On Crossfire: "The real problem with the universities, Paul [Begala], is that they don't invite conservatives. They have only left-wing speakers on campuses like Berkeley and Harvard. They don't let people like me tell them what the truth is about America."

Media Matters: In fact, conservatives have spoken at both universities, including Novak's own speech at Harvard University's Institute of Politics on April 8, 2004.

I suppose when you're as smart as Novak - and busy leaking the name of CIA officers - certain past events can slip your mind. He should be careful, or Bill O'Reilly is going to call him senile and then deny ever having said it!



__Related: John Stossel is an ass.
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Bad Beards

ZZ Top







Grizzly Adams
[Update 4/14: I had an incorrect photo here. Thanks Jim! Hope this one brings back good memories!]




Ayatollah Khomeini







Willie Nelson







Papa Smurf





Nicole Kidman





Jennifer Aniston






"Beard" - UrbanDictionary.com
I love lawyers.

also seen in fire: "sense of shame"

From Ananova (via Defamer):

Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger has a novel way of clearing up his children's clothes.

In true scary movie baddie style, he BURNS them...

Thousands of now worthless gay marriage certificates used as kindling.

Also in true scary movie style, Arnold Schwarzenegger is Governor of California.


Related: Meet the Tuminator (via Defamer, via Drudge) whew!

but I always imagined him as an almond ...

From the A.P. (via washingtonpost.com):

The mother of a boy who received a multimillion-dollar settlement from Michael Jackson in the 1990s testified Monday that she initially refused to let her son sleep in the singer's bed but relented when a "sobbing and crying" Jackson made another request ...

"He was sobbing and crying, shaking and trembling," she said. "He said, 'You don't trust me? We're a family. ... (The boy) is having fun. Why can't he sleep in my bed? There's nothing wrong. There's nothing going on.'"

Methinks thou crazy-nut doth protest too much!

[please note I only composed this post in order to create and use the above image. it tickles me. could have awarded the same photo to a post on: that guy arrested at the capitol today, ted turner, rush limbaugh or that guy who threatened to kill a rabbit unless he got $50,000. jackson took the crown. he's going to bejewel the crown and wear it to court.]

one bird

One bird.

One bird has made his home in my neighborhood. He joins a host of other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds.

This bird is determined to be different. All the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds, start singing a sweet song as light dawn breaks across the sky.

And one bird starts his singing at 2am.

I'm not quite sure what's wrong with one bird. Do the bright lights from the street confuse him? If so, why would he ignore the advice of all the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds? I'm sure they've told him in their tweet tweet language that those lights are just for the ooky humans to see by. No reason to start singing.

Maybe one bird has insomnia. And instead of reading bird books or watching bird tv, he doesn't have a quiet chat with the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds; he has decided to spread his insomnia to the humans that live nearby.

One bird doesn't care if humans like to sleep at night - and would like to do so with the window open. One bird doesn't understand cool breezes. One bird doesn't understand the very, very late blogging he has caused.

I'll have to make a point to chat with the other birds, sparrows, mourning doves, robins, larry-birds tomorrow. I'd like them to spread some words in their tweet tweet language.

One bird should know that while handguns are strictly verboten in D.C., shotguns are quite legal and available.

No bird.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, CookieMonster!

Almost everyone that blogs these days relies on a lot of snarky humor to help get their point across. (guilty!)

However, not all readers understand the humor within their words. People take things the wrong way, become insulted, and write angry letters to the editors. (They're returned, because there are no editors.)

We have punctuation for the end of a thought (the period), and to designate a question (?) or exclamation (!)- but nothing in our language helps us to identify humor.

Someone needs to do something about this. I've decided to be that someone. From now on, when trying to convey humor, for the sake of the humor-impaired, please use CookieMonster.

For instance, here is an example from Wonkette.com:

Jenna Bush always reminds us of Bigfoot. You know, shy, retiring, just wants to be able to butt-dance in public without a bunch of nosy tabloid voyeurs shoving colonscopes up her ass?

What on earth do they mean? What's going on here? Is that funny? Is that from a White House press release? Does Dan Rather have something to do with this? Who's touching my leg? Now, read the "cookified" one:

Jenna Bush always reminds us of Bigfoot. You know, shy, retiring, just wants to be able to butt-dance in public without a bunch of nosy tabloid voyeurs shoving colonscopes up her ass?

See the critical difference? No confusion!

We'll need a way to know when people are using the cookie monster when speaking. For the end of a sentence, a period is hinted by lowering your inflection. You raise your inflection for a question mark. For a CookieMonster you simply say the last few words of the sentence like CookieMonster.

I realize that because of the power and reach of my blog, including millions of daily readers, this new punctuation will only take a few hours to be fully implemented.

And They're Wrong, and I Laugh

There's been a lot of talk lately about a memo that circulated around the Congress GOP leaders regarding the Schiavo case. It cited the political advantages of taking on the issue - passing unpresidented legislation, etc. It also said:

"This is an important moral issue and the pro-life base will be excited that the Senate is debating this important issue."

Right Wing bloggers, or "wingers" (unrelated: remember Kip Winger?!) smelled a rat. They're always smelling something. They were convinced this was another "Rather-gate."

Power Line:

The memo in question is a pathetic piece of work. Any competent person could look at it and see that it is not a product of the Republican leadership. It is on a blank piece of paper; no letterhead, no signature, no identification. Anyone in the world could have typed it ... The only people reported to have distributed it (by the New York Times) were Democratic staffers. And--most fundamentally--it is absurd to think that the Republican leadership would produce a "talking points" memo discussing what great politics the Schiavo case was for Republicans. Those aren't talking points; not for Republicans, anyway. The memo benefited the only party that it could possibly have benefited: the Democrats.

The Prejudicial Effect:

First CBS, now the Senate. Evidence is beginning to show that the infamous GOP Memo re: Terri Schiavo was not, technically, ever seen by a single Republican senator.

There were many more.

Ahhhhh, sweet sweet truth:

The Washington Post: (You remember - that crazy mainstream media)

The legal counsel to Sen. Mel Martinez (R-Fla.) admitted yesterday that he was the author of a memo citing the political advantage to Republicans of intervening in the case of Terri Schiavo, the senator said in an interview last night.

Now, naturally, that legal council has resigned, and Martinez is sure he never read it - he simply passed it on with other papers by mistake. Sure, I never look through stuff before I give it to my boss either.

Doesn't the current administration have more important things to worry about?

Oddly, there have been very few retractions on the websites quoted above. I suppose the truth only sometimes matters.

Google Freaky

This is more than a bit disturbing.

The red arrow to the right points to the house I grew up in.

Look closely. Closer! You can see the three evergreen trees that were planted in the front yard, between the street and the house (look for three dark green dots). You can also, barely, see the round pool in the back and the shed that is on a slab of concrete in the backyard.

This satellite picture must have been taken during the winter. The trees on the right don't have many leaves and our pool, and the large rectangle pool next door are both covered for the cold weather.

The long driveway (part blacktop, part concrete - hence the color difference) leads out to the main road in front of the house.

There is a tiny car on that road, that could have been me - on a visit home - going to see my friend Lori. I get home as often as I can - it's great to see friends and family that I love so much.

But you can bet your butt next time I'm home, I'm going to be looking up.

Google Maps - With the new Satellite Image option in the upper right hand corner.

He Talks Pretty All Night

It's the best part of my job.

My job introduces me to so many new artists - the music I listen to, the books I read, a good portion of it comes from my job.

I didn't know about author David Sedaris until I started working at the auditorium and we presented him. That was 8 years ago. He's quite a popular author - his latest book "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim" went to #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list.

To give you an idea - we put tickets for this show on sale in November. We listed him on our website - and the show was listed on the website of his agent. We did no other advertising, and the show sold out, 1530 tickets.

His stories pull a lot of information from his family life. They are hilarious. It's hard to describe what he does - he takes seemingly normal (sometimes not so normal) situations, and twists them into tales that will make you laugh out loud. It's very hard to explain, you simply have to read it to appreciate it.

No author has made me laugh out loud as much as David Sedaris. Do yourself a favor and buy one of his books. If he's in your town, go and see him - he's even funnier live. Hell, get a book from the library if you don't trust me, you'll soon be hooked.

It's hard to describe, but I watched him read - new stories - on stage and just laughed for over an hour solid. It felt so good - it really refreshes you. How often do you have a chance to be so happy for that length of time?

I am always impressed with the dedication he has towards his fans. He signs books after every performance. A lot of authors do that, but he takes the time to talk with every one, and to ask where they are from, or what they are studying or if their brothers are homosexual. His show on stage ended at 9:30pm, he was signing books until 12:30am. (hence my late late late posting.)

My boss and I walked him from his hotel to the auditorium - he prefers that to a cab. And we just chatted on the way over - about all the Pope coverage, the crazy things he deals with on tour, whatever.

It's very refreshing to have such an easy show to work. Almost no technical demands, just a podium and a microphone - no catering - almost no transportation. No ad plans and promotion details. If only there were more shows like Sedaris.

Some links (you can read some of his stuff on Amazon.) Novels:
Naked
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

Tour Schedule

The Flying Dream

I love airplanes.

Let me qualify that. I love watching airplanes. I always have. I'm not so crazy about actually traveling on one.

I think it has to do with the dreams. For as long as I can remember, I've drempt about airplanes. I'm usually not on the airplane, but at times I am.

The kicker is that the planes are always in some sort of distress. They're falling out of the sky, or crashing on a runway. I'm never afraid in the dream - in fact, most of the time the planes are falling in comical ways - spinning around on one wing like a crazy cartoon.

Still, I love watching them. I'm lucky that Washington, DC has National Airport so close by. I can see planes flying relatively low every day on my way to work. It never ceases to amaze me. People ask me why I don't see them walking down the street - it's because my eyes are usually looking up at an American Airlines 737 taking off.

At a little park near National Airport called Gravelly Point you can watch planes taking off or landing (depending on the wind).

This is about as close as you come:

Which is pretty good. However, here are some views from St. Maarten - Princess Juliana airport in the Netherlands Antilles:

There's no photoshopping in the pictures above. And yes, that last one is a 747. Those can't even land at National Airport - too big.

The cheapest flight to St. Maarten is $525. I'll start saving now.

Like the Jetsons!

I'm amazed at the level of technology today. With a few clicks of the mouse you can buy books, chat with friends or order groceries. Computers are so smart!



Or are they?

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

Family Guy DVDs - Volume 1

Well, Finally

From AnnCoulter.com

... after two weeks of TV coverage of the Terri Schiavo case, I think we have almost all liberals in America on record saying we can pull the plug on them.

Thank God for that. I love the way she twists the own words of those America Hating Liberals. Take that French Cheese eaters! And I thank the Christian God above that Ann has taken the time to chime in on this issue.

If being (a) on a liquid diet, and (b) unresponsive to one's estranged husband are now considered grounds for a woman's execution, wait until this news hits Beverly Hills!

Oh, She went there! It's about time someone took those Hollywood types to task. It's a proven FACT that the Hollywood movie machine is controlled by Anti-Christ Jews and Anti-Moral homosexuals. It's about time someone talked about their agenda. Specifically, the pro-Hannukah, pro-sodomy messages that are encoded into every movie that is produced in the United States.

Run "Miss Congeniality 2" backwards - you'll hear "Oooohhhh Christ is icky..... oooohhhhh you should find the same sex attractive...."

That's the truth. I saw it on Bill O'Reilly.

Polls claim that a majority of Americans objected to action by the U.S. Congress in the Schiavo case as "government intrusion" into a "private family matter" — as if Judge Greer is not also the government. So twisted is our view of the judiciary that a judicial decree is treated like a naturally occurring phenomenon, like a rainbow or an act of God.

That's right! Rainbows can only be created when the pixie fairies of Rainbowia choose to bless us with their presence! This is the truth, Peggy Noonan said it.

And judges, let's face it, all these judges are simply puppets for the pro-ACLU, pro-DEATH liberal conspiracy. They want to see you dead. Every judge in this case has proved that they are Anti-American and want to see you dead.

Is that what you want? Do you WANT to be dead? I didn't THINK so.

Then you better get with the program. Call everyone in Congress right now and let them know that any judge that George W. Bush (bless his name, bless his name) wants on the bench should be there. Any argument with this is UN-AMERICAN.

Sure, Teddy "I'm a drunk" Kennedy would love to see a Supreme Court full of Islamic Terrorists! It's true! Rush Limbaugh said it.

It's time to take this country back ... back to the ideals that it was founded on. The founding fathers knew best - as they wrote (QUOTED by George F. Will):

Americans should worship Christ.
Americans should not have any of the ooky "gay" sex.
Americans should obey the will of the President (bless his name, bless his name)
America is the land of the free, as long as you're Christian, speak English and only have sex for procreation.



Happy April 1st, everyone.