Thursday, April 21, 2005

Ship of the Damned

The Thomas Mooore Center Presents:
A Battle for American Values*
A Cruise featuring Bill O'Reilly**
Host of FOX News' O'Reilly Factor
aboard Holland America's*** Newest Vessel, The Pedantic

Sail with Bill O'Reilly and Enjoy:

- Two Appearances by Bill O'Reilly, reading from his new book "I May Be Rich, But I'm Looking Out For You"****

- Symposium hosted by the Thomas Mooore Law Center: How to fight the ACLU.*****

- Private Cocktail party. Cocks and Tails provided. Loofah sponges = $45

- Seminar with Al Franken (Just Kidding! Free time available with Al Franken punching bag (the "Frankenbag") in our buffet room.)

- Depart Fort Lauderdale with stops at: Jamaica (guards supplied to keep black people away from you), Cozumel (This sounds French, but is not. We swear.), and Camp X-Ray (tours allowing you to spit on prisoner leaves every half hour!)

- 327 McDonald's and 783 Wal-Marts on board for your convenience!******

"Pinhead" Special!: We will give you $50 in "buffet bucks" for every fannypack brought on board!*******

Cost: $8,456 per person, plus your sense of common decency. Discount available for those that can make Hummus.

*Note: No Actual Battle Will Take Place. Please do Not Bring Guns On Board.
**Mr. O'Reilly will not be sunbathing on board. Please do not bring suntan lotion on board with the express intent of smearing it on Mr. O'Reilly's silky smooth body.
*** A new company to boycott? Hey, just putting it out there. (Shut Up, America Hating Liberal!)
**** Mr. O'Reilly will only sign books purchased on board. Books at sea sell for a low, low price of $89 (after "water" fees). Cash only.
*****Full Title: How to Fight the ACLU with Fists. Fists with Brass Knuckles if You Can Find Those. Yeah, Those are Good. That'll Get Them.
******You will be required to work at the Wal-Mart on board for very low wages. Just like in America!
*******Air America fannypacks do NOT count. You will be stoned. We're not kidding, the sea is freakin FULL of stones!

Terms and Conditions: You will obey us. Any attempt to not obey us will result in being called a "pinhead" on National television. Is that what you want? To be called a pinhead? I didn't think so. So, stay in line, bitch! Oh, you like that, don't you? Being called a bitch. You're a dirty little slut and you LOVE it. You know you do.


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