A Catalog of Fun

If my career marketing the performing arts doesn't work out, I always thought I could get work writing for the catalogs that people enjoy so much. All items below are real, taken from the Collections, Inc. catalog:

There is no greater celebration of your country than the delicate mixture of our national bird - the regal bald eagle - and a sharp hunting knife. Sadly, these beautiful creates can no longer be killed and gutted, but this precision instrument is perfect for use on manatees, lemurs and panda bears. In just one of the many fine attentions to detail, just like in real life, when the eagle opens its mouth, a four inch blade shoots out. Limited Edition: Be sure to get your endangered piece today!

Nothing says "Patriot" like this oversized American flag with 150 bright lights that only Middle-East oil fueled electricity can ignite. This unique and blinding product is sure to prove your love of all things free to the neighborhood. Because you've heard what they've been saying behind your back, right? Oh. I shouldn't have brought it up. No, no, do whatever you want, Frenchie.

In this crazy modern world, full of condos and new living arrangements, it's easy to forget the important things of yester-year. Be sure your family cherishes the important traditions: like this life-like creepy neighbor statue. Fully hand-made and painted - the insertion of two D batteries (not included) enables the statue to recite such classic phrases as "I think I may have some delicious candy in my basement." and "I have a quarter for you, but it's deep, deep, deep in my pocket - reach in and get it!"

Neighbor kids and even your own children getting a little too cocky? It's easy to mentally scar them and drive them from environmentalism at the same time with this oversized "face-in-the-tree." The eyes light up at night under the power of pure evil - think of the money you will save on batteries! Also included: a bag of pine scented sawdust to absorb the "spray of joy" (sometimes called vomit) from your child after they get a good look at this.

Catalog editors: Offers can be sent to my blogger profile e-mail address.