You Can't Buy Class

[UPDATE 5/29/05: You're watching the Gastineau Girls marathon on E! today, aren't you? And so you searched for more info? Shame on you! Put on PBS for chrissake! Also, welcome!]

Enough is enough.

When did the survey come out - read by every TV executive - that showed that Americans love to watch rich people and their problems?

Like most things, including hair loss and the Iran-Contra Scandal - Paris Hilton is to blame. "The Simple Life" garnered huge ratings in their first season as her and her ex-galpal Nicole Richie wandered around the country making fun of (ha ha!) poor people (ha ha!). Soon everyone decided to jump on the annoying band wagon.

E! Network - who is currently suing A&E for use of a punctuation mark in their name - recently began showing "Gastineau Girls." The story of Lisa Gastineau, ex-wife of football star and wife beater Mark Gastineau, and her needs-a-behavior-intervention daughter, Brittny (who apparently can afford a $10,000 a month Upper East Side apartment, but couldn't pay for an extra "E" in her name).

I'd resist watching this show, but I have to wonder if this will be the week that Lisa's face finally gives way and her cheeks sag to her knees. Get that woman's plastic surgeon an award. Then shoot him.

Gastineau Girls - while vile - isn't even the worst offender. That honor must go to "Growing Up Gotti" on A&E. How these people got a television show isn't hard to figure out - they're not talented at anything besides being their own awful selves.

Victoria Gotti - like Lisa Gastineau - didn't work for her money. Her father was alleged New York Mafia don John Gotti, whose rise to the top left a long line of corpses in his wake. Gotti bribed and threatened jurors in several cases in the 80's - each time being acquitted - and garnering the "Teflon Don" name.

In 1992 Gotti was convicted by a jury in 1992 for 14 counts of murder, conspiracy to commit murder, loansharking, racketeering, obstruction of justice, illegal gambling, and tax evasion. So you can rest assured that some of the money Victoria Gotti is spending was stolen from American tax payers (or dead bodies). Fun!

Victoria's children - Carmine, John ... and ... mmmmmm ... Sneezy - have inherited every superficial, annoying trait from their mother. The tacky jewel-encrusted acorn doesn't fall far from the inherited wealth tree.

While it will be interesting to see if "Growing Up Gotti" discusses Carmine and John getting beat up in a mall parking lot; it's not worth sitting through the whining, the mumbling and the fucking profanity. (bastards.) Though it is interesting to see the Gotti boys act like thugs and then freak out when someone uses their hair gel - they're like the worst stereotypical frat boy covered in a shiny sheen of forced metrosexuality.

If you do see it, be sure to watch as Victoria consistently complains about her children and their behavior, until they do something wrong, in which case it's everyone else's fault. Not her angels!

I can only hope that this trend is coming to an end. Ratings for Hilton's "The Simple Life" have fallen off dramatically, Gastineau Girls is garnering bad press for E!, and A&E may wake up and realize that this fare is decidedly below them.

Until then, pray for a stock market crash.