Black

From Page Six [via Defamer]:

[Rod Stewart's] daughter, Kimberly, is still living the rock 'n' roll lifestyle. At an L.A. concert by her boyfriend Cisco Adler's band Whitestarr, Kimberly and pal Paris Hilton ducked into a stall in the ladies room, prompting an impatient lass in line to yell, "At least save some for us!" When Paris finally emerged, one bladder-bursting babe relieved herself in a sink. "You dirty bitch!" Paris yelped.

They failed to mention that as Paris wiped the last of the blow off her nose, pots and kettles all over the city silently giggled.

Accounting

Fromwashingtonpost.com:



1527 dead, to be exact.

Ad It Up

My regular readers (My God, how I love the three of you) will notice the addition of google ads to the top of this page. I'll admit that I was torn when deciding whether to put them up or not. But, as with most things I do, I figured I'd at least get a decent blog entry out of it.

I went with google adsense because it was the easiest program to implement at the time. It was simple to do, just sign up with google, give them full power of attorney, access to your DNA and an I.O.U. for your first born child and they'll let you make a nickel for each click on the ads.

The first ads showed up last night, and I was anything but amused. One of the first ads was for "US Magnets and More" [no link - I don't want anyone visiting]. They specialize in selling those magnetic Support Our Troops "ribbons" that you'll see on every SUV if you visit Buffalo, NY - and the rest of the country.

I hate those ribbons, with a passion. I wondered how much money was going to the troops anyway. So, I asked. I sent off an e-mail to US Magnets and More:

I am interested in purchasing several thousand "Support Our Troop" ribbons for our school fundraiser. I think it will be a great way to bring in money for our programs - everyone wants one of those ribbons!

When we are selling them, we need to have information for customers - several of us wanted to know what percentage of the money paid to you go to the troops - I'm sure customers will be interested.

Also, is it possible to customize the ribbons with our logo? How much extra would this cost for 3-5 thousand ribbons? Do we save more if we buy in bulk?

Thanks very much!

Carlos Gracia

That isn't my real name, but I will admit that I've always secretly wanted to be Latino. Who doesn't?

I lied, naturally, in the letter to them, but I thought I would get a quicker response if I talked about boosting their bottom line. Indeed, within 12 hours I received the following reply.

Carlos,
Thank you for your interest in our magnets. I cannot give you exact percentages of how much is donated to the troops but I do know that we donate to several support groups for the troops and some other health related groups.

<< ... >>

Carlos, we would love to work with you and assist you in bringing your idea of a magnet to life. Our purpose as a company has always been centered around our Christian values therefore we reserve the right to decline orders that go against those values. Please either call me or email me to let me know if you have any other questions as I am happy to help.

Thanks,
Gayle

Now, I sort of feel bad for having Gayle go through all that work - the e-mail was quite detailed, and it had a lot of price quotes. That last paragraph, while insulting, wasn't completely surprising. One of their popular magnets is the "Pray for Our President" magnet. I should have asked if they had a "Pray for a New President" option.

So, they make "a donation" to some organization for the troops. Take that as you will, but I feel that if it was substantial - they'd brag about it. They also sell fake Lance Armstrong bracelets that say "STRONG" instead of "LIVESTRONG". Is borderline copyright infringement a Christian Value?

If you really want to help the troops, save the money you would have spent buying that ribbon and donate it directly to an organization that is going to help.

So, sorry Gayle, but go to hell.


This morning, the google ad all-knowing-all-powerful machine must have scanned my webpage, because the links became tailored to the information on my page. That's why you may be seeing:

"What is Your Case Worth?" - serves me right for talking smack about Johnny Cochran.

"Rio Hotel Las Vegas" - because of my post listing tips when visiting Las Vegas.

"Johnny Cash Music" & "Songs - Free Downloads" - This is weird, and a bit unexpected. I'm sure it has to do with my post listing music I like, but I'm not sure where they pulled Cash out of.

The biggest problem I have with these ads is the fact that they all link to lame websites. The music downloading sites stink - why would anyone not use iTunes or one of the other large programs? The legal site seemed skanky, and the Vegas site is one of those damn "discount" places that doesn't give you a discount at all. So, don't feel the need to click on any of them.

But the ads are going to stay up for awhile. Trust me, it's not for the money - at the current rate I wouldn't see any money from google for over 6 months. I'm just interested to see what will come up as I write new things. The ad program will only scan this first page - so only the latest seven days of posts will count.

It might be fun to try to skew the results. If I write, say, anti-google, anti-google, anti-google, will a site like this come up soon? What about tapioca tapioca tapioca tapioca? Abe Vigoda Abe Vigoda Abe Vigoda?

If nothing else, I'll get at least one more post out of it. That's good enough for me.

don't even say it

i know, i know, the ads.
more on that tomorrow. promise.

Fun With Headlines

A Screen-Grab from Washingtonpost.com:

Now, which one of these will get the most coverage on cable news tonight? Johnnie Cochran was a huge personality in the legal field - ever since the OJ Simpson trial. But, honestly, doesn't that top story deserve a bit more time?

And how much do you want to bet that Title IX story isn't even touched upon?

Oh right, who would Larry King interview about that? No starpower!

It looks to be a Cochran/Schiavo kinda evening. Enjoy.

The Best Music ... You're Not Listening To

This is where I earn my street cred. (stop laughing)


Take a little bit of Portishead, a touch of Juliee Cruise and a lot of personal invention, and you've got Juana Molina [music starts automatically]. The Argentine singer was formerly a celebrated television comedian (!) in South America, but soon found her niche making moody, electronically popped, music to unwind by.

I saw her live in New York; you have to imagine one beautiful, slight woman with four keyboards, multiple sampling petals and a mixing board, alone; making the music you want in order to drift off into bliss. It's all her, and it's all exquisite.


"Somewhere between a 1930s Cuban dance orchestra, a classical chamber music ensemble, a Brazilian marching street band and Japanese film noir is the 12-piece Pink Martini."

Immense popularity in France, songs sung in French, English, Spanish and Czech and from ... Oregon?! Appreciate Pink Martini [click on "Pink Martini Radio" to hear all songs from both recordings.] This unique blend of multiple talented musicians is as close to classic lounge (with many twists) as you will get.

I know what you are thinking, and you're right. Lounge Music is *so* 1998. It says volumes about Pink Martini that they embraced what we call "lounge" and yet have overcome it. Their new recording, Hang on Little Tomato, promises that they, unlike lounge, are not a flash in the pan.


Watch one video from OK Go and try and tell me they're not the garage band you've always prayed to be a part of. 1/3 biting lyrics, 1/3 resonant music and 1/3 pure pop hooks; OK Go is 110% throw your head back, sing along fun. (How quotable is that? Spin, I'm waiting for a job offer.)

Don't want to wait for video to download? Listen to clips from their most recent recording here. Don't blame me if you pick up your dusty stratocaster and fall to your knees as a result.

Like a Scene out of "Indiana Jones"

No wonder US Presidents are limited to two terms. A third one would kill them.

What's Posted Here, Stays Here.

There are few things I am comfortable with when talking about traveling. I'm not sure what type of money they use in Iran, I don't know if you need a visa to get into the Czech Republic, hell, even that "one Germany" thing still throws me.

I know Vegas. If you haven't been to Las Vegas before, what the hell is wrong with you? Also, you should go. Plan now - airfare is wicked cheap at the moment. Here's a list of my personal tips - things that aren't widely mentioned elsewhere.

1. There are plenty of cheap hotels in Vegas. However, don't subscribe to the idea that you will only be staying at the hotel - you will go out to gamble. You will spend the vast majority of your gambling dollars at the hotel you are staying in. Make sure it is someplace you are going to enjoy spending time in. Personal Favorite: TI

2. Only purchase tickets ahead of time to shows that you are sure will sell out. Check out discussion boards to see if the show you are interested is that popular. Tickets aren't refundable, and you don't want to be tied down to too many events.

3. "Free" drinks while you are gambling are a myth. At most casinos the drinks are "free," but you're going to get a watered down version of something while spending much more on gambling than you would on alcohol at a bar.

At shoddier casinos, order a beer - most of the time they will bring it to you in the bottle, and they can't water that down. Some will serve you beer in a plastic cup - why the hell are you there? You deserve better.

In upscale casinos, go for the mixed drinks. You can order better than rail and they won't water down the drinks. Southern Comfort on ice at Paris will actually be Southern Comfort on ice. Imagine that.

4. If you're planning to see the Grand Canyon - schedule a full day. Also, check the weather at the canyon for the time you are visiting. It can be 70 degrees in Vegas and snowing at the canyon.

5. Even if you're not planning on doing a lot of gambling, read up on the rules and smart ways to play. This book really helped me - who knew MENSA was meeting regularly in Vegas?

6. You will do more gambling than you think you will. That being said - everyone is correct when they tell you to know how much you can spend a day and try to stick with it. Leave your ATM card in your hotel room if you have to. There is a crazy number of ATMs in Vegas, and they're almost as addictive as slots.

7. Do yourself a favor and spring for one of the better buffets in the city. There's a great world buffet at Rio, and the dinner buffet at Bellagio is well worth the money. Avoid very cheap buffets that feature mostly fried foods - or you'll pay for it later.

8. Spring for one nice sit-down dinner. Don't be a buffet slut.

9. Devise a plan with your travelmate(s) about what to do, hotel room-wise, if you meet someone you want to get ... erm ... closer to. This is, after all, Las Vegas. Note: Do NOT try to devise this plan if you are traveling with your spouse. It's incredibly easy to file for divorce in Vegas.

10. Find information on the internet that will give you the straight dope. Don't believe hotel websites or sites sponsored by hotels or airlines. Cheapo Vegas is a personal favorite - it carries advertising for travel sites, but it's informative and a fun read.

No matter what you feel like doing - if you're there for big production shows or happen to be a professional slot jockey, Vegas has what you want. Liberace Museum? Wilderness Hiking? Thrill Rides? Fine Art? You simply need to find it.

11. Visit the Hoover Dam! Find some time - it only takes a few hours. It's freakin incredible and there's no video poker there to tempt you.

12. Mix it up. Fancy hotel - total dive. Tourist trap - local hangout. $10 a hand blackjack [nearly anywhere on the strip] - penny slots. Crazy, wild lack of inhibition - erm... no, stick with crazy, wild lack of inhibition.

silence is golden

A Veritable Cornucopia of Fun!

If I didn't have to work my day job I could post these throughout the day with glee. Nick Denton, I'm available for full-time work.

First, on a personal note, the movie Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous opens today in movie houses all over the country (and world?). Don't go for Sandra, and don't go for Elizabeth Rohm (I'm sure so many will, simply for her huge range of emotion), go because my friend is in it! Speaking Role!

In deference to his privacy, I won't divulge his name - I'll wait for Defamer to expose his weekend coke-binge with Lindsay Lohan - but I'll say this, he jumps in a lagoon. See, now you have to see the movie.


You know, I'm the first one to stand up for the United Nations. Programs they have implemented have worked, and while they don't get it right all the time, I think they are really trying. I don't appreciate the current US administration always putting them down.

That being said, notice anything amiss with this picture of a meeting of the United Nations Security Council? What kind of research are they doing on their laptops?

I thought for sure this photo had been doctored, but there it is in all its glory on Aljazeera.com. [Update 3/25/05: Aljazeera has taken the photo down, you'll simply have to trust me.] I thought their abbreviations included U.N.I.C.E.F., but didn't know they also claimed T&A.

I'm still not convinced that Aljazeera didn't pull this picture from another site that messed with the picture . . .

[Thank you Wonkette, or whoever is filling in for wonkette these days.]


I've never been much into watching big cars race around a track really fast. As my sister might say, "That's not a sport, it's traffic." Actually, I think she did say that.

I never got into NASCAR, but it is sweeping the nation, and even though I may not appreciate the sport, I can appreciate the popularity and integrated marketing included within the sport.

I had only heard of the Indycar Series in passing, but I'm sure I would become much more interested with the right persuasion. Kinda makes Jeff Gordon (NASCAR) look like a pile of puke. Alas, I have a feeling that Dan Wheldon is of the wrong persuasion.

We all have our faults.

The Day After

My election thoughts - typed up in the early hours of November 3rd - the day after the Presidential Election were posted to Salon.com and Air America Radio. I was being absolutely honest when I wrote them. (I wish Appreciate the Cheese had been around then - it would have helped the 'ol hit counter ...)

Honestly, this is the only time I'll be able to quote myself:

I see a lot of sad faces and feel a lot of angry emotions coming from Democrats/liberals . There's no reason for this. Here are some things to be happy about:

It’s OVER. I know, not the way we wanted it to be over—, but it's over. Praise the Lord. No chads, no recounts, no Supreme Court decision, no Florida hicks bitching on TV.

Nixon. We got through that one; we’ll get through this one.

Feel free to watch Fox News and think to yourself, “Gosh, eventually, all these people will be dead. Dead, dead, dead.”

There will continue to be a steady stream of material for “The Daily Show.”

Bush will propose things we hate. We’ll fight them. He’ll propose Supreme Court justices we hate. We’ll fight them. He still won’t have a grasp on the English language. We'll snicker.

Only two years until we take back the Senate.

The new domestic and international policies and laws you are dreaming of haven’t vanished. It’s not a matter of “if” it's a matter of when. This is a short-term setback for some very large and time-consuming improvements we are making in society.

Know that Ohio will get exactly what it has coming to it.

Remember, we're the good guys! Feel free to act and feel morally and ethically superior to conservatives. We're right, they're wrong. Tell people you're liberal and proud! It’s time to free the “L” word from conservative propaganda. Forward, not backwards! Advance, not retreat! Modern, not retro!

Obama!

The universe has come back into balance now that Rudy Giuliani has returned from a temporary state of "America’s greatest hero ever — a beacon of light in an otherwise darkened universe" to his normal state of "asshole."

You can join the ACLU or the Human Rights Campaign or another charity of your choice. Whoever you select, make sure Bill O'Reilly has called them “a bunch of pinheads” and you’'ll know you're on track.

As is tradition, Ann Coulter must now return to her ancient home on Mount Olympus and return to her life as “Festerpus,” the Godess of Crazy Bitches.

Read Salon, listen to NPR, read the New York Times and be damn proud of it! More Liberal Media Bias, I say! You down with the L - M - B? Yeah, you know me!

Four more years to witness Dick Cheney morph into Skelator. They're building Castle GreySkull in DC as we speak! Honest!

Election? Man, that’'s so Tuesday. Welcome to Wednesday!

There is one that they edited out.

Hurricanes.

I see why they did.

*sigh*

Terri Schiavo. Extraordinary action was taken by Congress this weekend in order to bring her case to Federal Court. (If you pay taxes in the U.S. - thanks! You paid for those flights back to D.C.) The President signed the passed bill in the hallway of the White House, outside of his bedroom.

From The Daily Telegraph:

Mr Bush said he stepped into the Schiavo case because the US should have "a presumption in favor of life", but critics said there were 152 executions in Texas during his administration, including some in which the convict's guilt was in doubt.

It's not the same - convicts are markedly different than Mrs. Schiavo, but let's remember that this is a Gov'ner who signed the death order for a profoundly retarded convict that had the mentality of a 7 year-old. Right Political Gateway?

When he was offered an alternative to capital punishment in the case of persons with diminished capacities, he refused to bend. Bush opposed any and all legislation regarding instituting life without parole and banning the execution of people with IQ's less than 65. In his mind, there was no differentiation and the "mentally retarded" or "mentally challenged" should be afforded no extra protection under the law.

I suppose this case would be more cut and dry if Terri Schiavo regained consciousness, got a gun and killed a cop. Then there'd be no doubt - we'd help her die. Hell, we'll supply the needle!

But Terri isn't going to return to consciousness. The lack of blood to her brain during her heart attack - probably brought on by her ongoing fight with bulemia [registration required, sorry] - has destroyed the part of her brain containing her personality.

She. is. dead. There's no there there.

Even if she could regain some sort of consciousness, I think her first thought would be "Why haven't you allowed me to die?!"

Frankly, I informed my parents tonight that if - God forbid - something like this should happen they should let me die. Plus, a good friend should rush over and get rid of all my porn before my parents get here. But more importantly, they should not allow anyone to take pictures of me in that state. Terri looks like shit! I know she wouldn't want that.

It's ironic, isn't it The Chicago Tribune?

Ironic that when President Bush was governor of Texas in 1999, he signed into law the state's Advance Directives Act, which says that, "If a hospital or other health provider disagrees with a (patient surrogate's) decision to maintain or halt life-sustaining treatment … the case goes before a medical committee. If the committee agrees with the doctor, the guardian or surrogate has 10 days to seek treatment elsewhere," according to an Associated Press summary.

It seems to mess with states' rights, doesn't it Newsday?

In passing the legislation to "save" Terri Schiavo, Congress overturned two centuries of legal precedent that gives states the power to regulate such matters and state courts the power to settle disputes over them.

You sure do use odd words, don't you Contra Costa Times? [registration required, sorry]

There is no doubt that a this basic moral question has morphed into a political donnybrook.

Let's discount "activist judges" (yes Bill O'Reilly, I'm looking right. at. you.). Help me out, Philadelphia Daily News [registration required, sorry]:

For the first eight years, Michael Schiavo and Terri's parents shared her care. Then Michael petitioned a Florida court to decide whether her feeding tube should be removed. The court heard testimony from doctors about Terri's medical condition and from Michael and others about Terri's stated wishes. The court ruled that there was "clear and convincing" evidence that Terri Schiavo would not want life-prolonging procedures.

At every step of the way, 19 judges - some of them conservative Republicans - consistently have supported this position. Every appeal by the Schindlers has been rejected. [emphasis mine]

Why would Congress do this, my-favorite-political-cartoonist-because-you-worked-for-The-Buffalo- News-when-I-lived-there-and-now-work-for-The-Washington-Post- as-I-live-here: Tom Toles? Ah. That's right. Politics.

Schaivo's family, I need a good ending for this post, give me a crazy legal argument, by way of The St. Petersburg Tribune!

But Gibbs [lawyer who represents Bob and Mary Schindler, Schiavo's parents] said the courts have repeatedly violated Schiavo's due process and freedom of religion rights. For one, it would be a mortal sin, Gibbs said, to let Schiavo die when Catholic doctrine forbade withdrawal of the feeding tube.

Well, at least I get closure.

Uh oh

Nothing strikes fear into the heart of a liberal blogger as much as finding the above entry in your "recent visitors" list.

usdoj.gov. The United States Department of Justice. I thought maybe the entry was faked - something I suppose could be done. Then I noticed that the operating system was Windows NT4.0, the browser was Netscape 7.0 and the resolution was 800x600. Old operating system, browser and resolution? That's the U.S. government alright.

I hope they enjoyed their 3 minutes and 41 seconds on my site. Everything on my blog instantly became suspect to me. Were the "Osama Happy Heads" a bit too much? Maybe I shouldn't have talked about President Bush getting 12 hours of sleep each night. Was the "You're with us or you're against us." stance a bit extreme regarding gay marriage?

I realize not one of these posts is out of line -but maybe the sum is greater than the parts? Would I be able to blog from Camp X-Ray? How much can you say about a prison in Cuba? (I don't want to know.)

Then again, I feel you're not truly a blogger until you receive your first cease and desist order. A Federal Sopeana could instantly elevate me to Daou Report level!

In for a penny, in for a pound:

Salon.com - actually a very interesting article regarding the suppression of public opinion polls in the Terri Schiavo case. [free if you watch a quick ad]

American Civil Liberties Union

AmericaBLOG

Human Rights Campaign

Democracy Now!

Bring it on Gonzales!

Kill.. My... Television?

How can I possibly have over seventy channels to choose from, and there is still nothing on television? Cable television is a testament to the ingenuity and the heterogeneous nature of the country.

However, the programming on those channels is a testament to the sheer bulk of half-assed movies, uninteresting series and infomercials that America produces. [and not even those interesting sandwich cooker ones - evil "make money now! I'll show you how!" ones.]

A few notes for the multiple number of television executives that read my blog:

Eight words I never want to hear: Next, a full hour of That 70's Show!

Look at this Sunday afternoon wasteland! Place strong programming on and clean-up in the ratings for that (admittedly not highly watched) time period.

We're going to get really sick of Martha Stewart - really fast. Maybe a daily show plus a reality show along with her magazine, nationally syndicated newspaper column and constant coverage on cable news was not the best idea.

Discovery Channel: I must have missed the press release that announced your change over to "all motorcycle/car build/repair shows all-the-time." I know it pulls in your biggest rating - it doesn't mean you have to devote half of your schedule to it. TLC did that with Trading Spaces, and they are paying for it now that the ratings for that show - and its umpteen repeats throughout the week - have dropped.

USA: Stop making your own movies. "Tornado" really was a natural disaster.

The Hallmark Channel: Do we really need to see four hours of Matlock in a row? Can anyone take that many seersucker suits in one sitting? (try saying that five times fast.)

MSNBC: There's no doubt why FOX News and CNN are bitch smacking you in the ratings - for one thing, they stay live on the weekends, and you bombard us with 847 repeats of Headliners and Legends. Repeats that are so old, by the way, that they feature Matt Lauer when he still had hair.

Law & Order: No more attractive, young, rich plaintiffs. We hate them - and we hate you for hiring them. Also, stop depending on "ripped from the headlines" for your plot lines - think for yourself once in awhile.

Fear Factor: You producers need to.... oh, why bother. Some things are a lost cause.

Shooting Up ... with Fun!

Let the photo to the right be a warning to all you sporty men out there. Not only will steroids shrink your balls, make you aggressive, make you retain water and ruin your liver; they will make you look old as shit.

I wish I could get a bit more into the current steroid talks on Capitol Hill, but I just don't have it in me (steroids or empathy). I've never been that much into sports, as opposed to some freaks, and let's face it; it was a lot of fun to watch McGuire hit a few zingers.

Why ban steroids? We all know some athletes are using them, but they know they're risking their own life and possibly the life of their unborn children.

As an added bonus, athletes are more entertaining when they're hopped up on the ol' 'roid balls.

However, steroids should still be strictly banned from the Olympics. The entertainment value there comes from the 4,387 "personal" stories that the network plays for emotion every time any athlete is about to perform. Who knew the hardship endured by curling champions? I feel the need to weep before they whip out that broom.

Maybe I'm just bitter when it comes to sports. The only sport I truly enjoy watching in person to was cancelled this year - due to NHL dopes. Then again, any sporting event that features an easily accessible beer stand can't be all bad.

So, it's very exciting that the Nationals will be playing baseball in DC. I can hardly wait to experience the inebriati ... err... exhilaration!

Don't Fence Me In

People come to Washington, DC for the monuments and memorials. There are grand new monuments like the National WWII Memorial, and other little known, but still interesting ones like The Einstein Memorial and the DC World War I Memorial.

Other visitors to Washington may not have heard about the newest memorial. It's a bit off the beaten path - and stretches all over the city. You may not even realize what it is while standing right next to it!

Implementation is almost complete on the National Fear Memorial. The completed monument will stretch around any government or private building which has given into irrational fear.

The monument is beautifully constructed of individual "jersey" barriers made of the finest concrete. Metal hooks - located on the ends of each and every memorial piece represent each time an "ugh, how hideous" has been uttered after viewing the memorial. There are currently over one million metal hooks in place. (More are added each day!)

Some producers - like the World Bank - had a reason to put up "non-memorial" barriers. However, when the "terror" level was lowered to yellow and they did not remove the barriers they instantly became part of a living, growing memorial.

An e-mail to the bank's public affairs office was not returned. [Would you to a writer from a publication called "Appreciate the Cheese"?]

The National Fear Memorial is a tribute to the power of terrorists to make this Nation's Capital a lot less attractive. Their spirit is felt in each visitor's heart each and every time the memorial is viewed. Each visitor is consistently reminded to remain ready for death.

A plaque to sum up the strength and message of the National Fear Memorial has been prepared. It will never be placed on the memorial - the planning committee is afraid it will be stolen. The plaque is stored in a box in Tom DeLay's basement. It reads:

"It could happen again, and you won't be allowed to forget it - even for a minute. Let this Memorial stand as a reminder that we, as a strong nation, will break the barriers of oppression around the world while erecting physical barriers in our Capital. Freedom does not guarantee a false sense of security.
Concrete does."

Because it Sucks so Good

A few random bits...

If you are on a LCD monitor, and using windows, please turn on your font smoothing. You will never know how you lived without it. Why this isn't automatically turned on in windows I'll never know. [Wait, yes I do - because Windows isn't produced by Apple.]

These luggage tags are much more attractive than that fraying red ribbon you have tied around the handle of your American Tourister.

Natalie Dee. Artist. Dog owner. Drawings that make me laugh so hard I snarf milk up my nose. See such gems as "Probably Not True" & "Grand Theft Uno."

Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap. Available in Tall, Grande & Venti. You have to love a website with "Caffeine" as one of its categories.

If you grew up watching MTV in the late 90's, you'll remember Sifl & Olly. If you were in college at the time, you watched their show at least once while completely stoned. Yes, you did. Stop arguing. Anyway, they're back, in web-form.

And why do I lust after this $600 vacuum cleaner?

Why I love D.C., a Play in 20 Acts.

1. I can afford to live in the city I work in.

2. No pesky movie shoots cluttering up the sidewalks.

3. I can give Dick Cheney the finger IN PERSON.

4. They corral political types into one area of town, where they can do the least amount of harm.

5. "Why are you late for work?" "Sorry, Motorcade!"

6. Helicopters flying overhead at all hours of the day and night soon lends a sense of security.

7. I walk to and from work every day.

8. Cabs on the zone system drives tourists crazy, but saves us locals money.

9. The look in people's faces when you introduce them to the DC that lies beyond the mall and the Smithsonian.

10. Monuments at night.

11. Metro.

12. Cherry Blossoms, and the false fact that it's "snowing" in April.

13. Snowstorms producing only three inches = no work!

14. The Walk/Don't Walk signs have those little count-down timers so you know exactly how long you have to dash across the street before being run down by a foreign car.

15. None of that pesky asking people what they do for a living - they're a lawyer.

16. Anger at the government can be alleviated by shouting at the actual White House. [... and your Marriage Amendment idea is FUCKED UP!]

17. The Fourth of July.

18. Interns!

19. Bars and clubs feel they have something to prove = excellent drink specials.

20. Did I mention flipping off Dick Cheney?

SHOCKER: Study finds FOX News Opinionated; Also: Gravity Causes Things to Fall Down go Boom

From Howard Kurtz's Media Notes in The Washington Post:

In covering the Iraq war last year, 73 percent of the stories on Fox News included the opinions of the anchors and journalists reporting them, a new study says.

By contrast, 29 percent of the war reports on MSNBC and 2 percent of those on CNN included the journalists' own views.

These findings -- the figures were similar for coverage of other stories -- "seem to challenge" Fox's slogan of "we report, you decide," says the Project for Excellence in Journalism.

Is anyone surprised by these findings? I encourage you to read the report at journalism.com - not all 600+ pages, simply whatever interests you.

Expect a few things in the conservative blogger world, and possibly on FOX news:
[I'm actually watching FOX news tonight - to see if it is mentioned. Nothing yet, I'll update this if it is mentioned. If not, see #4]

1. An attack of the organizations releasing the study. Some of them are from prominent universities - and we all know universities are liberally biased and only want to push a liberal agenda. (ugh.)

2. They will jump on the "36 percent of stories about President Bush were negative compared to 12 percent about Sen. Kerry. Only 20 percent were positive toward Bush compared to 30 percent of stories about Kerry." statistic.

This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that Bush was president at the time, and negative stories about him could relate directly to legislation that he was pushing. Kerry - while still in the Senate at the time - didn't have nearly as big of a media reach legislatively.

3. A claim that CNN bias lies in what it doesn't cover. I think you'll find that what CNN doesn't cover is the opinions of its reporters. I've already seen this spin on the internet.

4. Study? What Study? Shut up, you pinhead!

As for the most popular prime-time shows, nearly every story -- 97 percent -- contained opinion on Fox's "O'Reilly Factor"; 24 percent on MSNBC's "Hardball with Chris Matthews"; and 0.9 percent on CNN's "Larry King Live."

For my international readers I should point out that the O'Reilly Factor is hosted by Bill O'Reilly, an American entertainer.

I don't blame people for flocking to FOX news. It's easier and entertaining to get the news from people that insert their opinions - or the popular opinions of their audience - into their reports.

News - unfiltered news - is boring. There are exceptions, say, when Anderson Cooper is reporting it (I could watch him report on pond scum), but otherwise, "just the facts, ma'am" is "just boring, ma'am."

What you won't see occur due to this report is an honest change in FOX News' slogan. From "We Report, You Decide." to "We Report, You Shut Up!"

A Catalog of Fun

If my career marketing the performing arts doesn't work out, I always thought I could get work writing for the catalogs that people enjoy so much. All items below are real, taken from the Collections, Inc. catalog:

There is no greater celebration of your country than the delicate mixture of our national bird - the regal bald eagle - and a sharp hunting knife. Sadly, these beautiful creates can no longer be killed and gutted, but this precision instrument is perfect for use on manatees, lemurs and panda bears. In just one of the many fine attentions to detail, just like in real life, when the eagle opens its mouth, a four inch blade shoots out. Limited Edition: Be sure to get your endangered piece today!

Nothing says "Patriot" like this oversized American flag with 150 bright lights that only Middle-East oil fueled electricity can ignite. This unique and blinding product is sure to prove your love of all things free to the neighborhood. Because you've heard what they've been saying behind your back, right? Oh. I shouldn't have brought it up. No, no, do whatever you want, Frenchie.

In this crazy modern world, full of condos and new living arrangements, it's easy to forget the important things of yester-year. Be sure your family cherishes the important traditions: like this life-like creepy neighbor statue. Fully hand-made and painted - the insertion of two D batteries (not included) enables the statue to recite such classic phrases as "I think I may have some delicious candy in my basement." and "I have a quarter for you, but it's deep, deep, deep in my pocket - reach in and get it!"

Neighbor kids and even your own children getting a little too cocky? It's easy to mentally scar them and drive them from environmentalism at the same time with this oversized "face-in-the-tree." The eyes light up at night under the power of pure evil - think of the money you will save on batteries! Also included: a bag of pine scented sawdust to absorb the "spray of joy" (sometimes called vomit) from your child after they get a good look at this.

Catalog editors: Offers can be sent to my blogger profile e-mail address.

Son of Comics gone Golden

When I was a little kid I would spend some weekends at my Grandma's house. We would always watch The Golden Girls on Saturday night and read the color comics on Sunday Morning. That still doesn't explain this.

Adam performs The Golden Girls

Get Fuzzy performs The Golden Girls

Mallard Fillmore performs The Golden Girls

Blondie performs The Golden Girls

The Lockhorns perform The Golden Girls

Hi and Lois performs The Golden Girls

Zits performs The Golden Girls

Show Us Your Butts!

I'm the first to admit it, because I know from first-hand experience. The performing arts is a damn hard thing to market. Fucking impossible if you're working with modern dance in Washington, DC.

You're also working to garner the attention of a public that has more entertainment choices now than ever before. You need to use all of your resources very carefully.

Because ticket sales do not usually fund performances 100%, arts organizations have turned to many venues for funding. If you're a paying member of any performing arts institution, thank you, you are part of the solution. You are helping to keep the performing arts alive and well.

However, members and independent donations do not seem to be completing many budgets. Many organizations turn to the private sector, corporations, or additional funding. This is not necessarily a bad thing. However, one corporation you may see again and again in your performance programs is Altria.

Altria is simply the new corporate name for a parent company that owns and operates Philip Morris International. Altria is very generous in their funding of the arts.

[Full disclosure: I used to smoke Marlboro Lights - a brand produced by Philip Morris. I no longer smoke, but have NOT become a rabid anti-smoke campaigner. I believe in specific smokers' rights.]

Altria is a pretty name, but let's not whitewash the fact that these organizations are taking cigarette money. Altria may own Kraft as well, but the majority of their profits come from cigarette revenue. Altria is the house that the Marlboro Man built.

I would not feel comfortable taking money from Altria - even if it was used to promote the performing arts. [And you should understand, I make my living marketing the performing arts - and searching out funding.] In plainer terms: "Grandma can't breathe so well anymore, but your theatre festival is fully funded!"

From Altria.com, here are some arts organizations that received money in 2003. I concentrated on DC institutions - that is where I live - but you can check the website to see if your favorite arts organization is part of the "cough-hack" club.

Arena Stage - $20,000
Corcoran Gallery of Art - $10,000
GALA Theatre - $5,000
National Museum of the American Indian - $25,000
Opera America - $25,000
The Phillips Collection - $5,000
The Shakespeare Theatre - $5,000
The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts - $815,000

I know that President Kennedy liked the odd cigar, but that last one bothers me. I thought the Kennedy Center received money from the government to fund performances, but from their own website: "As a monument to President Kennedy, the U.S. government provides funding for the building's maintenance and upkeep only."

$815,000 is a drop in the bucket of the US budget. Surely we can find the money to wean the KenCen off of tobacco's teat. Even if we can't (I'll admit this isn't the most arts-friendly administration we've had.) how can the KenCen work internally to save that money - or to find alternate sources of funding? [What about a "Smoke Out at the Kennedy Center" fundraising campaign?]

It's a big change - and it's much easier for me to say it than for them to implement it - I realize that. I don't blame the Kennedy Center for taking what seems like easy money in order to produce world-class art. But we can do better.

Isn't it worth it?

A Pedestrian Affair

I walk to and from work every day. After having done this for a few years, I've come to appreciate some of the aspects: it's wonderful to get that much fresh air every day, it's easy to get a nice tan on my face during the summer, and it gives me time to clear my head before, and after, work.

With the good comes the bad. Things to keep in mind when you're driving:

When the light is green and you are turning right or left, the pedestrian has the right of way. Honking, giving dirty looks, smacking your steering wheel or your wife will not change this fact. However, funny hand gestures amuse me. Thanks.

An amber light is not symbolic for "fill up the intersection with cars" DC has started putting up large "DON'T BLOCK THE BOX" signs. They work as well as abstinence pledges from Lindsay Lohan.

When it is snowing, raining, really cold or really windy - give the pedestrian the right of way at a stop sign, even if you got there first. You are in a mostytoasty warm car. Motorcyclists may give us the finger and cut us off.

Take that cell phone and shove it up your ass.

If it is snowy and icy - and you do not know how to drive in winter weather - please take to the roads. The look on your face is priceless.


Other pedestrians - you're not off the hook:

The middle of the sidewalk is not the best place to stop and rummage around in your purse/briefcase/bookbag. Unless you want me looking over your shoulder and commenting on the contents. (mmmm...nice briefs.)

Save the golf umbrellas for lightning strikes on the course.

If you're shorter than 5'5", the ends of your umbrella are at the eye level of us taller folks. By not moving it out of the way when I pass you stay dry, but I sure wish I still had depth perception.

Never use an umbrella during a light snowfall. It's just geeky.

If there are more than two people in your party, you may find that walking in one big horizontal line is not the best idea. This isn't the opening credits of "The Monkees," pair off and move out of the way.

Take that cell phone and shove it up your ass.

As you can see, these are simple requests that anyone could follow. I encourage you to comment - adding new rules I may not have mentioned. Together we can make the world a better place.

Complaints are also welcome. Shove it up your ass.

Comics gone Golden

(Don't ask why. Just click.)

Gil Thorp performs The Golden Girls

Boondocks performs The Golden Girls

Luann performs The Golden Girls

Mutts performs The Golden Girls

Nancy performs The Golden Girls

Broom Hilda performs The Golden Girls

Pearls Before Swine performs The Golden Girls

RVing for Sodomites (finally!)

A recent commercial advertisement for the Go RVing Coalition caught my eye. (link to video below.) It wasn't the beautiful outdoor scenes, or the exciting sport bike action - it's the fact that this is the gayest RVing commercial I've ever seen. Finally! RV marketing targeted to me!

I know what you're thinking - there are no gay RVing commercials. They tend to stick to family scenes and tales of retirees enjoying the open road in their golden years. Wrinkled clasped hands and soundbites about how wonderful it is to always take your bathroom with you.

This commercial - entitled "Spontaneity"[watch the commercial - QuickTime format] - shows a group of people biking on a mountain - and then returning to their RV. Only three people enter the RV and are in the rest of the commercial - two men, one woman, all in biking gear.

Throughout the spot the woman seems to stay in the background - peeking into the RV, out of focus behind the men.

They write the names of destinations on utensils and then spin a ketchup bottle to choose. The winner? "Big Bear." Ahem. The eyes of the two men lock. The commercial then ends with more outdoor scenes.

The spot was produced by Dallas, Texas based The Richards Group. They also handle advertising for Corona beer and Hummer.

It's about time the RV community targeted gays. I look forward to more commercials in the future featuring gay couples in RVs - heading to Vermont, camping near a courthouse in Ontario, taking the kids to Stonewall.

One note to the producers: we appreciate subtlety. Next time, tone it down.

KidJack

From the Associated Press:

The only grade school in this rural town is requiring students to wear radio frequency identification badges that can track their every move ...

The badges introduced at Brittan Elementary School on January 18 rely on the same radio frequency and scanner technology that companies use to track livestock and product inventory ...

From "X10 Affordable Home Solutions" Letter to the company:

My teenage children are out of control. They have been sneaking out at night or even sneaking people into the house while my wife I are asleep. I even went so far as to contact Brinks and ADT ... We just gave up on the idea, and resigned ourselves to losing sleep from checking up on the kids...

I ran across an internet ad for the X10 Protector Plus Voice Dialer security system ...

I got a call on my cell phone when we were over at the neighbors. It was the Protector Plus calling me. I went home and caught my daughter sneaking her boyfriend into her room. Thank you X10. You gave us parents a new tool in our battle with teenagers.

From 13WHAM-TV:

Handing over the keys to a teenaged driver is a gamble no matter how trustworthy he or she is ... Some parents are turning to technology to keep an electronic eye on their kids' driving habits.

The technology allows parents to track their children's every stop, every start ...

What is going on? I'm used to seeing at least one "My Teenager is Out of Control" sweeps-stunt on the local news, but when did the systematic tracking of children become so wide-spread? Do we need to start treating our children like cattle or products?

I hate to pull an old cliché out of my hat, but I will: When I was younger, we simply didn't have this technology. So my parents incorporated a system called "trust". No electric wiring required.

If you need to install a security system to watch your kids - and describe your relationship with them as a "battle," you've got much bigger problems then the slimy kid next-door slipping into your daughter's room late at night. You may want to look into a system called "family therapy", No motion-sensors necessary.

Parents: Teenagers need their privacy - and they need their freedom. Sad but true; they are learning to live without you. They're going to make mistakes, and they're going to be punished, but you cannot use technology willy-nilly to try and prevent every bad thing from happening.

On a practical side, you know that kid that knew how to send pictures and put up a blog and use IM before you knew how to turn on the computer? How long will it take them to find a way around your new measures? From leaving trackers at their friends' houses, to hacks that will be on the internet in a matter of weeks; the safety of your children is going to come down to trust.

Do you trust your children? Do you trust the way you raised them? If so, then let them go; discover the mistakes and successes in their lives from them - not your computer screen.

Lost my Bullets in the River!

I apologize for the odd lack of a post yesterday, but after this week at work, I came home, went to bed, and just recently saw consciousness again. It's amazing how a long, good night of sleep can improve your outlook. I'm glad the president gets 12 hours of it a day.

If I hadn't been sleeping, I would have been dutifully playing two addictive games I just found on the internet.

Both games depend upon you to activate various aspects of the scene in the right order, sometimes at the right time. Each features prominent stick men to carry out certain tasks - and get blown up if they fail. Who knew stickmen had so much blood?

I've had to bar myself from visiting these sites at work, lest I scream out "no no! Move the bell tower!" during a marketing meeting.

Hapland is the bloody and more difficult of the two - requiring you to light two torches in order to open a "gateway." (It's like that "Stargate" TV show with a smaller budget and an easily splattered stickman as Richard Dean Anderson.)

Free the Balloon isn't nearly as bloody, so you can't act out your Richard Dean Anderson snuff fantasies online, but it still features some exceptionally helpful stickmen. The objective of the game is to free the balloon. Go figure.

Both games remind me of an earlier time, when the secret of gaming wasn't remembering up arrow, down arrow, B, A, A, down arrow, but was based upon thinking things out before you did them, such as how much you'd like to spend on oxen for your journey.

I think for people of my age - who grew up attached to an Apple IIe at school - applications like this relax us and hit that nostogia button just like leg warmers and Molly Ringwald. It's a good feeling - and corporations will exploit it until the day we die.

Still, I always got my family to Oregon safely.

Ripping George F. Will a new one

George Will saw fit to use his column in The Washington Post today to call for the death of Public Television. I beg to differ.

Cut Buster Loose

By George F. Will

Thursday, March 3, 2005; Page A25
In 1967 Lyndon Johnson added yet another piece to the jigsaw puzzle of national perfection: The Corporation for Public Broadcasting was born. Public television was a dubious idea even when concocted as a filigree on the Great Society. Why should government subsidize the production and distribution of entertainment and, even worse, journalism? Even if there were -- has there ever been? -- a shortage of either in America, is it government's duty to address all cultural shortages?

Well, let's see. Should America have offered money in order to offer a unique point of view? To produce information that helps to serve communities not often served by the three major networks? Should America have shown itself to be a proud investor in the cultural and educational future of its population?

Today, with iPod earphone cords dangling from millions of heads, and movies flooding into homes where they jostle for plasma screen time with video games, Americans are entertaining themselves into inanition. Furthermore, journalism and imitations of it have become social smog. Even in airport concourses you are bombarded by televised human volcanoes verbally assaulting each other about the "news," broadly -- very broadly -- defined to include Kobe Bryant's presence on Michael Jackson's witness list.

Will loses his way here. I haven't heard a peep about Kobe Bryant or Michael Jackson on any PBS program. He tries to insinuate the utter crap imposed on us by commercial "news" is also present on PBS. But he simply proves the point that PBS offers a unique point of view.

Maybe not. Maybe Will was tuned into VH1 instead of PBS by mistake. He strikes me as the kind of guy still has "12:00" blinking on his (now outdated) VCR.

In 1967 public television did at least increase, for many, the basic television choices from three -- CBS, NBC, ABC -- to four. Not that achieving some supposedly essential minimum was, or is, the government's business. In today's 500-channel environment, public television is a preposterous relic. Not too long ago the Public Broadcasting Service tried an amazingly obtuse and arrogant slogan: "If PBS doesn't do it, who will?" What was the antecedent of the pronoun "it"? Presumably "culture" or "seriousness" or "relevance." Or something. But in a television universe that includes the History Channel, Biography, A&E, Bravo, National Geographic, Disney, TNT, BBC America, Animal Planet, the Learning Channel, the Outdoor Channel, Noggin, Nickelodeon, and scads of other cultural and information channels, what is the antecedent?

Would you like a list? OK, and this will be a refrain, so be ready to come back to it. Let's look at the shows that would not be produced outside of PBS:
1. NOVA
2. Frontline
3. 1900 House and other decent "reality" shows without endless product placement
4. NewsHour
5. The Mark Twain Prize
6. Your choice of excellent long form documentaries: Jazz, The Civil War, etc.
7. American Experience
8. Charlie Rose
9. EGG The Arts Show
11. - 100. Simply check out a list of PBS' programming to see more.

None of the "commercial" networks would touch these shows. They are not marketable, and in many cases, are too educational. Oh, that dreaded word. Additionally, PBS has seen fit not to put Paris Hilton in any of them.

Now PBS is airing some HBO films. There is a nifty use of tax dollars -- showing HBO reruns. Which contribute how to "diversity"?

Let's address this. PBS showed an HBO production about a dirty bomb going off in the middle of London. It was followed by a town hall meeting featuring many experts in terrorism that allowed the free discussion of terrorism in a major metropolitan area. It included a questioning about the realism of the movie and a discussion of the current preparedness of major US cities. How on EARTH could that be relevant? Damn you PBS! Damn you!

It's a nice way of Willie-Filly trying to make everyone think "PBS showed The Sopranos?" by not going into specifics. Preposterous.

In 1967 public television's enthusiasts were ahead of the curve of cultural inanity, making frequent use of the d-word, which required decades more to become the great signifier of cultural correctness. The chairman of the Federal Communications Commission hailed public television's promise of "more diversity," and a Carnegie report foresaw increased "diversities." Thirty-eight years later, 500 channels mock public television as crucial to diversity.

Back to the refrain. Which shows are not possible without PBS? See the list Willie.

The recent spat about Buster, PBS's cartoon rabbit, visiting two lesbian parents quickly became a second spat about the Education Department's threat to stop financing Buster. But a third spat should have been about why the Education Department (a fourth spat: Is that department necessary?) is paying for any of Buster's adventures. Is there a desperate shortage of television cartoons? Is Buster to other cartoons as Beethoven is to Bon Jovi?

Will shows his lack of knowledge right here. He obviously has not been watching children's television (It's a shame, he would have learned the golden rule). Buster IS to other cartoons what Beethoven is to Bon Jovi. Watch Buster, then watch Pokeman. Get the picture?

Public television, its supporters say, is especially important for people who cannot afford cable or satellite television. But 62 percent of poor households have cable or satellite television, and 78 percent have a VCR or DVD player.

So now if most people do not depend on it, toss it to the scrapheap? Most people don't use National Endowment for the Arts grants, so should we ditch those, too? (Don't answer that Will, I know your evil answer.) Most people polled don't want Social Security reform, so I'm waiting on your denouncement for that "Biggie Wills".

Public television is akin to the body politic's appendix: It is vestigial, purposeless and occasionally troublesome. Of the two arguments for it, one is impervious to refutation and the other refutes itself.

The impervious argument is: The small size of the audiences for most of public television's programming proves how necessary public television is. The big networks gather big audiences by catering to vulgar cultural tastes, leaving the refined minority an orphan, because any demand the private market satisfies must be tacky.

The self-refuting argument is: Big Bird. Never mind that the average age of PBS viewers is 58. "Sesame Street" -- see how its merchandise sells, and Barney's, too -- supposedly proves that public television can find mass audiences.

He almost got me here. Almost. Will forgets that Sesame Street never would have been put on the air without help from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Would anyone at a major commercial station jump on a show that was billed as: "Well, we have this guy who's great with puppets, and we're going to sing about letters and have some psychedelic cartoons too. Plus, a frog that does the news." Will puts the cart before the horse ... or rather, the merchandising before the programming investment. I can make wild claims too:

Kids, George Will wants to stuff Grover in a blender.

But the refined minority, as it sees itself, now has ample television choices for the rare moments when it is not rereading Proust.

Willie-Billie.. none of us "refined minority" are touching Proust anymore. It's all about Satre! Do your research!

And successes such as "Sesame Street" could easily find private, taxpaying broadcast entities to sell them.

Now they can. What about all the new shows that don't have a chance to build an audience without this support? Those, oddly, are not mentioned.

President Johnson, no slouch at the "progressive" rhetoric of platitudinous gush, said the prospect of public television should fill Americans with "the same awe and wonderment" that caused Samuel Morse, when he successfully tested his telegraph, to exclaim, "What hath God wrought?" But by 2002 PBS President Pat Mitchell was warning: "We are dangerously close in our overall prime-time numbers to falling below the relevance quotient."

That statement says more about Pat Mitchell, and why she should be sacked immediately, than about PBS programming.

Public television's survival, with no remaining rationale, should fill students of government with awe, wonderment and melancholy. Would it vanish without the 15 percent of its revenue it gets from government? Let's find out.

This was the most shocking line in the entire piece for me. PBS only get 15% of its revenue from the government?! No wonder the programming is not fit for "Will the Thrill."

Let's raise that to 50% - proving that America cares about topics and programming ignored by commercial media - instead of making PBS just another random channel in a 500-channel universe. How about that Will?

Will?

News from the F*ckbag

I had nothing to write tonight. On my way home from work, my ears turning a bright crimson (thank you very much blinding freezing wind), I thought to myself, "Self, you pitiful excuse for a blogger, you've nothing to write about."

It's amazing what a few moments on the internet can do. (Thank you Boing Boing). Outsports has a list of 1,121 words and phrases banned from personalized jerseys at NFL.com. Many of them are understandable; some, well, attention must be paid.

Warning: Some of the language below is quite ... colorful.

A.S.S.
What is the Associate Secretary to Scotland to do?

ANAL ANNIE
*scratches head* Is this some sort of position of which I'm not aware?

ANAL BAGGER
Only allowable if you can prove that you work at a meat shop specializing in rump roasts.

ASS PUPPIES
Well, all dogs seem to be interested in them, it follows that puppies would be, too.

BAZONGAS
Must be Spanish

BREAST JOB
What if you want to get one for your favorite enhanced woman?

CLAM DIGGER
But those were the pants I was going to wear with the jersey!

CREAMY
heh. creamy.

CUM BUBBLE
Is this even possible? Is a straw involved?

DAHMER
The NFL maintains that this is in poor taste.

DEEP THROAT
Well, we know he's not dead. What a great way to reveal his identity!

DICK FART
Again, is a straw involved here?

DRUNK
They can't even be descriptive?

F TOYOTA
Apparently the NFL prefers you buy domestic.

FUCK BAG
Is this what you use when you can't use the Toyota?

GENITAL
Good thing they banned this, all the bad-ass street kids are scrawling "Genital" on their clothing.

GLAZED DONUT
D'oh!

HOMO BANGERS
I think saw this in a personals ad once!

JESUS CHRIST
This is blatant discrimination against latinos with coincidental names.

LUCKY CAMEL TOE
C'mon ladies, you know you all wish for love on your lucky camel toe.

NO SEX
A blow (ha!) to the celibacy movement.

QUEEF
Ha!

SHITFORBRAINS
What will Paris Hilton wear?

SNATCH PATCH
Can you grow snatch in your garden patch?

SPERM HERDER
Hee'YA! Getalong!

TOILET BOWL
Isn't that being played in Tampa next year?

TRISEXUAL
Stop showing off.

Your Cheese: What word would you ban? Not just from a jersey, but from use by the human race?

This is a test

Proving that throwing billions of dollars at a problem is sure to produce something of value, the US Department of Homeland Security has set up a website which takes you through - step by step - what to do in the event of an emergency.

All graphics are courtesy of the D.H.S. (That's a lie, they're not courteous at all.)

In the event of an emergency:

Do NOT watch the movie The Shining. This wastes time - especially if you are watching that gawd awful ABC remake.





Do NOT go camping with the Swiss. They will force you to hang flags - and will not even let you sleep in the "Swiss" tent. You'll wake up in the middle of the night to find your Swiss friend groping you and looking for spare change.


Take care not to over-pluck your eyebrows. If over-plucking occurs, please go blind and cover your face in shame.





Do NOT let extremely gay men run into your life. You've been down that road too, too many times, girl.





If you find yourself trapped under enormous, oddly-shaped Jenga pieces, do not pass gas. Dependent upon the condition of your digestive tract - this could cause loss of consciousness.



Remember that Arby's you were always weary of? You had no concrete reason to avoid it, and yet something about it made you wince as you walked by, pull your jacket a little tighter around your neck.
You were right.


In the event of a true major disaster, honestly, kiss all this shit goodbye.






I warned you about him.






.