Tuesday, March 01, 2005

This is a test

Proving that throwing billions of dollars at a problem is sure to produce something of value, the US Department of Homeland Security has set up a website which takes you through - step by step - what to do in the event of an emergency.

All graphics are courtesy of the D.H.S. (That's a lie, they're not courteous at all.)

In the event of an emergency:

Do NOT watch the movie The Shining. This wastes time - especially if you are watching that gawd awful ABC remake.

Do NOT go camping with the Swiss. They will force you to hang flags - and will not even let you sleep in the "Swiss" tent. You'll wake up in the middle of the night to find your Swiss friend groping you and looking for spare change.

Take care not to over-pluck your eyebrows. If over-plucking occurs, please go blind and cover your face in shame.

Do NOT let extremely gay men run into your life. You've been down that road too, too many times, girl.

If you find yourself trapped under enormous, oddly-shaped Jenga pieces, do not pass gas. Dependent upon the condition of your digestive tract - this could cause loss of consciousness.

Remember that Arby's you were always weary of? You had no concrete reason to avoid it, and yet something about it made you wince as you walked by, pull your jacket a little tighter around your neck.
You were right.

In the event of a true major disaster, honestly, kiss all this shit goodbye.

I warned you about him.



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