Quite a View

Today, Tom Cruise was on estrogen steeped The View, and while I normally avoid anything having to do with Star Jones - or anyone named Star, really - I felt I needed to mention it. I was at work at the time, so I had my mute, English-as-a-second-language second Cousin, Renaldo, take copious notes.

An exact transcript, complete with screen-grabs shamelessly stolen from Gawker [forgive me Gawkie, it's in the name of blogging.], follows:

Barbara Walters: Ladies! Please welcome ... Tom! Cruise!
Audience: WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO etc ...


BW: Thank you for being here, Tom. Oh, ha ha! You're doing the couch jump! I know, because I have my finger on the pulse of pop culture, that we've all grown to love this!



BW: Tom?



BW: TOM!



BW: TOM! Stop now and we'll stop playing "Smooth" in the green room! Deal?

Tom Cruise: Ah, OK then. You're impressed, right? Tell me you're impressed! Do it! I control you now! Be impressed!


BW: Let's change the subject. Star, you never talk about anything relevant.

Star Jones: Tom, thank you so much for being here. You have a new and completely real romance with Katie Holmes, are starring in the number one movie in the country and have become one of the most famous people on the face of the earth.

BW: What the ...

SJ: What, I'm sure, we all want to know is: Why didn't you make it to my wedding? You know I got married, right? I'm totally married to a straight man. He just went into that bar to use the bathroom. Can't a man use a bathroom?!?!

BW: ... there we go.

Meredith Vieira (whispering, off camera): Star, we talked about this. Let. It. Go.

Joy Behar: Tom, recently you've become the center of a media maelstrom because of your close connection to Scientology. But because of your vocal support you have received your "Orange Belt" in Scientology. Can I see it?


JB: Oh! How nice it is! Is this a cotton-poly blend?


Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Why doesn't anyone ever pay attention to me? Is my microphone even on?

JB: Hassel, I think you'll find this belt is long enough to reach around the high wood beam in your dressing room. Hint, hint.

(silence)

JB: I'm just kidding! I'm the funny one!

Audience: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

JB: So what is up with this Scientology thing? What's going on there, Tom? As you may have guessed, I'm Jewish, even if they do try to disown me.


TC: Oh, Joy. Joy. Joy. I know Judaism. I've studied it. I think you should study it before you talk about it. Do you know Lox is a street fish? Why are you pushing yarmulkes on kids? They push them on their heads - like THIS!


JB: But the people who pretend to be my friends - Judaism has helped them. They like it.

TC: Joy. Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy. There is no such thing as a Moses. There is no such thing. I know. I've studied it. Do you know the history? I really think you should know as much as I do before you open your mouth ever again. With my help, and only my help, because I know things, I can squish the Judaism out of you!


MV: Tom, please, let's move on, you've shifted Joy's shoulder pad so far it's become a third boob.


MV: So, Tom.


MV: Tom? You're scaring me now.


MV: I've heard you have something to show us.

EH: Didn't hear it from me - you always ignore me in the make-up room ... put up that damn screen ... *mumbles*

MV: Is it a clip from your new movie?

TC: Actually, Meredith, no. I feel that I've moved beyond the movie at this point. Contractually, after 100 million at the box office, I'm allowed to call it a piece of shit if I wish.

MV: I have that same clause for Millionaire. We should hit 100 million by 2089.

TC: I'd really like to share with you what kept me busy on the set of Vanilla Sky.

JB: It certainly wasn't acting!

(silence)

JB: I'm the funny one!

Audience: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

TC: I want, no, I need to share with you the guiding principal which has saved my life. It is my past, my present and my future. I have to show you ...

BW: We don't have to wear hats, do we? I don't have the cheekbones for hats.

TC ... my technique of self-fellatio.

SJ: DO tell.

TC: First you, oh, hell, let me just show you.



BW: I just frew up infoo muh mouf.

SJ: Al does that all the time!

(odd, post-fellatio silence)


BW: *burp* Now Tom, close your eyes, because, BOY, have we got a surprise for you.

TC: You're not going to demand a refund for Eyes Wide Shut, too, are you?

EH: Don't even get my own dressing room. (high voice) Oh, Hassey, you can use this deluxe trailer out back. Deluxe, my ass. No a/c up in that shit ... (mumbles)

MV: Of course not Tom! We took care of that at the theatre. We've flown in your one-and-only, your true love!


TC:

MV: Katie!

TC:

MV Katie Holmes!

TC: Oh! Yeah! That! Bring it out! I'm getting sick and tired of everyone saying our love isn't true. We're close, super close, crazy close! And I intend to prove it here and now. I'm glad this is live, they cut it out of The Today Show interview. I'm so wonderful in love with Katie I'm going to take her from behind right here! Ugh Ugh! Listen to these man-on-woman sex noises!


JB: Tom! Girls need to take off their pants to do that! Tom! You're missing her oony!

Katie Holmes: Hey! Ooph!

SJ: What's that they're doing?

KH: Hey! That isn't part of the deal! Damn it, there's a big spot on my ass.


KH: You're paying for the dry cleaning.

SJ: How could anyone say this love isn't true? Honestly, your love is easily as strong as mine with my husband. Katie, did you hear I got married? I did. I am. I'm married.

EH: And I just sit here like an idiot. Gonna have to start telling people off is what. "Fuck you, Vieira!" like that. Yeah, just like that. *mumbles*

TC: Hold on baby, Karen doll ...

KH: Katie.

TC: ... Katie doll, my little loovey loo. Hold your face steady, I've got something on my hand. There, that's better.


TC: Hey! Kevin ...

KH: Katie.

TC ... Katie, Have you seen this?!





KH: Christ. Yes.

TC: Now now, watch the "c" word. Wire hasn't gone through, yet.

KH: Oh! My baby! Come here and let me kiss ya like I kind of mean it!