Scientology ... what's that?

This post has nothing to do with Scientology.

I've heard (from 3rd party friends who can't be subpoenaed) that Scientologists like to sue people that talk about their religion. I would imagine that people like them (but, legally, not them) might be angry if their secrets were released.

I will say, however, that recent events - including seeing the word "Scientology" in neon lights umpteen times in L.A. - has piqued my interest (also, why doesn't anyone use the world "umpteen" anymore?). So, I decided to look up information on line.

What did people do before the internet?

I live one block from the Founding Church of Scientology in DC. You can't miss it - there are always people out front asking you to come in for a free movie. Alas, it's never 9 to 5 with the impeccable Dolly Parton.

Some religions have stories about the past - and how we got to where we are. For instance, religions with names beginning with "S" may have these stories.

It was quite interesting! If you would like to read it, please click here. (note that I have no control over that linked website and I am not the author of it.)

Then, while thinking about something else, completely, I wrote the following story. Please note that this is my story, and has nothing to do with anything else, and that I would be very upset if people thought it had something to do with anything else or if I was sued into poverty.

Eighty-four billion years ago, there was a really important guy. He controlled 437 planets within the universe. He certainly was more popular than Paris Hilton and didn't worry about polling data. He ran Earth (which was then called Superloofahfoofah). His name was Com Truise.

Com was not a happy camper. All of the planet's subway systems were overloaded with tons of people - much like the DC Red Line on a weekday morning. It was time to fix this - but instead of just adding more rail cars, Com had a better idea.

Com sent out movie audition forms to each and every commuter on every single planet! When the happy soon-to-be starlets entered the audition halls they were grabbed by large numbers of clones - clones called Tohn Jravolta.

Then they were injected with a mixture created by Aristie Klley - which heated up everyone so much that they couldn't move (or turn down inferior TV deals from Showtime). Each person was loaded into huge airplanes that looked just like the Spruce Goose, except the engines had been replaced with bottle rockets.

All those Spruce Geese flew quickly to Superloofahfoofah. The hot people were dumped into icebergs around Antartica and West Hollywood (who doesn't hang out in West Hollywood?). Once that was done, Com Truise let Jennifer Lopez release a new movie on Superloofahfoofah - which, naturally, vaporized every person.

But, as we all know, each and every person has within them a part of them that will live on after death. You cannot kill it - it is the essence of you. I call it a fun-bag. Com Truise knew this - and he planned for it. Com set up big "Sale at Wal-Mart" signs all over the planet - this naturally attracted everything and trapped the fun-bags in space.

The "Fun-Bags" were all taken to a huge drive-in movie. Naturally, Lopez's movie had flopped, but all that was showing were really bad 3-D movies. These movies did more than drain your wallet and deposit corn kernels under your driver's seat that would never see the light again.

They also gave the fun-bags a new sense of the world and told the fun-bags to take control of the looboodoos. (looboodoos being the new species that was living on Superloofahfoofah, of course.) It worked kind of like hypnotism, but not like that at all. Fun-bags controlling the looboodoos would give Com Truise problems for the rest of his days - movie deals not withstanding.

EVERYTHING was implanted into the fun-bags, including ideas about a fun guy named Jesus and a hep-cat named Mohammad. All those ideas, simply false ideas learned at the drive-in. Just like learning during Body of Evidence that Madonna can't act without a proficient director.

When the fun-bags drove out of the drive-in they encountered a traffic jam, and there were many accidents. Cars were totally stuck together! Today, those traffic jams have somehow become the problem of the looboodoos. And they don't have insurance! The fun bags are causing all sorts of problems for the looboodoos!

There's only one way to get rid of that kind of problem. Pay off a judge, of course. Luckily, judges can be found in most major cities, and may, at some point, invite you to see a movie.