Off the Tract

Chick Tracts are odd. I'm sure you've seen them in random public places, and maybe some freak handed one to you on Halloween when you were a kid. They claim to be "witnessing," spreading the word of Christ through cartoon pamphlets. You can read a lot of them on line - the descriptions alone are cringe worthy...

When a priceless carpet is permanently stained, its owner learns that only Jesus' blood can remove the stain of sin.

Suicide...The subject is common among teens today. But when Lance decides it is the only way out of his troubles, he discovers that hell is not the party place described in popular songs.

Debbie thought playing Dungeons and Dragons was fun...until it destroyed her friend.

Recently, the tracts have become even more odd - if that is possible. They seem to be straying away from the message about Jesus Christ - and also have started to rely on product placement for their cash-flow. The tract below is an example ... it's called "FEAR JESUS"

Pamphlets: A Natural Snark

It's amazing how things come to you just when you need them. Here I was - questioning my blogging fate and wondering why I was having so much trouble coming up with ideas. I was even considering quitting when there are millions out there just like me!

How to get help? In pamphlet-form, of course: (from nonist via Gawker)

I think it's time for all of us to take a look and consider the information so perfectly placed in this pamphlet that instantly brought back 437 high school memories for me. Was it just mine, or did everyone's school nurse have pamphlets just like this in their office?

Great pamphlets like:
"So Your Dad is Dead - a Decomposition Story"
"Bulemia Makes me Yak"
"Homos: Nature's Comic Relief"
"Big Muscles, No Balls - Steroids and You"

I blame the internets for kids not being forced to read these today. They're missing out on these, as well as "free" comic books sponsored by Radio Shack! For shame.

don't look at me, I stopped buying it in 1997

Photo via Gawker:


Additional headline not seen:
Or Could It Be Constantly Looking at Shirtless Men on the Covers of Sexually Conflicted Magazines?

So that's what Jazz is...

I'm still a bit mired in Spanish homework and studying, but I wanted to bring a new website to your attention that I stumbled upon. I think that some of the funniest, best writing is found randomly on public walls - the website Pictures of Walls showcases it. (To be fair, some of the lamest writing is on walls too - if I see one more "Disco Dan" tag near DC I'm gonna end it all.)

Wall writing on this site is mostly from overseas, and varies from the political ...

... to the interesting ...

... to the just plain odd.

Anyway, it's worth a quick visit.

First, Take a Deep Breath

The United States is gearing up for a tough Supreme Court nomination process.

Oil prices have never been higher - raising to over 60 dollars a barrel recently.

A heat-wave has hit the northeast and the west - bringing some of the highest temperatures recorded there and threatening wildfire in the southwest.

This has been the earliest, most active hurricane season ever - and look out - here comes Franklin and Gert, both already tropical storms.

In these times, I think it's important to think about some things. If nothing else, it will distract you until you need to put plywood over your windows again or take out a small bank loan to fill up your gas tank.

The Northern Lights

Fresh Blueberries

A Happy Puppy

Coffee

Great Music

Repeat as necessary.

ka-BOOM!

For those that question the value of Public Television (you bastards), I give you a real head-turner. For anyone, it's a real find.

The PBS series NOVA, which I believe has been on TV since 1826, has made eight of its specials available online. The whole thing. No commercials.

The jewel of this bunch is a three hour series called "The Elegant Universe."

One of the most ambitious and exciting theories ever proposed - one that may be the long-sought "theory of everything," which eluded even Einstein - gets a masterful, lavishly computer-animated explanation from bestselling author-physicist Brian Greene, when NOVA presents a three-part series on the nuts, bolts, and sometimes outright nuttiness of string theory.

Watch the whole thing free here. Want it full-screen? OkeeDough-kee. As you watch online links will come up to give the biographies of the people talking, interactive features and behind the scenes information.

No one, but no one at a typical network is going to produce a three hour series on string theory. They're all too busy producing shows about spark plugs, motorcycles and the lives of tattoo artists.

A lot of people are critical of funneling public funds into public television. Interestingly, the people critical of public television don't watch it very often. Figures.

Da Da Da

I think I've written some good posts - I like to chat about odd things in my life and point out what's on my mind. So, of course, the shocker post is what gets me mentioned overseas. Does anyone out there read Russian? I'd really like to know what they're saying about me.

From Petrosian.com

16.07.2005 / Сеть / Дъявол кроется в мелочах
Заметку читали 53 раз(а), комментарии: 0

В выходные, когда позволяет время, люблю побродить по англоязычным блогам. Вычитал забавную историю о том, как можно попасть в дурацкую ситуацию, не обращая внимание на мелочи. В оформлении сайта Вашингтонского общества мастеров исполнительского искусства (поправьте меня, если я не правильно перевёл название организации) использована симпатичная фотография. Рядом с улыбающимся виолончелистом Йо Йома, который мне очень нравится, девушка в индийском наряде. Я бы не обратил внимание на жест её рук. Как пишут в заметке, те, кто знает, что он обозначает долго смеялись, те, кому рассказали куда засовывают так пальцы, были в шоке.

I'm the third link there, and I'd really like to know if пишут в заметке is Appreciate the Cheese in Russian.

No matter what it says, I'm glad the cheese has spread.

Olé!

Sorry for being away -- I have a Spanish exam today that I have been going nuts preparing for.

I should be able to write tonight or tomorrow.

See you soon! (gracias!)

Media

The image to the right is on the front page of washingtonpost.com.

Well thank God they told me! I'll tell you, I've been trying to avoid the sun by staying in the night-time, but every time I wake up, I've lost it.

In other news, my post of three days ago (Shocker, etc.) has caused a flurry of comments at adrants.com, where it was picked up. It seems as if they are all against me, but it seems to me they are confusing my defense of advertising care with defense of the shocker. This is one of the negative aspects of blogging. Of course, because I have this blog, I can also say that I hate them all and I hope they get the gonad cancer. (That's a positive of blogging.)

The post has garnered 14 comments, and their typical comment count is 2-4, and my hit count doubled without the use of naked pictures of Carmen Electra, so I feel I did my job. Even if everyone there does think I'm a pervert. (and that gonad comment isn't going to help.)

A day of extremes

My friend Lisa moved away yesterday - I helped her move her stuff out into a truck.

Everyone that helped loved the eclair cake I made to eat.

I took half the cake home and will probably eat it and gain weight.

Fat people are jolly.

Once, I put a bag of jolly-time popcorn in my microwave and soon the microwave broke and started on fire.

At the beginning of civilization, fire was a very important discovery.

I never did well in Civics class in High School.

At times in High School I had a lot of fun - performing in musicals and making a lot of good friends.

I'm really going to miss my good friend Lisa.

Dirty!

I'm not a profane person by birth. I swear. But I can't help the knowledge of profanity and dirty information that is thrust upon me. I blame the internets.

Because of this fact, I can't help but burst out laughing when I visit the webpage to a very popular performing arts organization here in the District of Columbia. On part of the page, you see the image on the right here.

There's the always smiling YoYo Ma, cradling his $475 billion cello in his hands. Next to him stands a woman of Indian heritage in what I'm sure is a perfectly acceptable and interesting dance pose.

So why burst out laughing? YoYo Ma isn't funny - even though at one point he did stand up comedy to pay for cello lessons in Brooklyn, a fact you may not be aware of because I just made it up.

It's that pose. I'd seen it before.

LORD ALMIGHTY! It's "The Shocker"!

For those of you that don't use the internets for pure filth, the shocker is a hand gesture that is representative of an ... interesting sexual act. Most people don't know what it means.

Hanover High School administrators didn't either, until it showed up in umpteen photos in the yearbook, and one brave faculty member (who no doubt loves his internets) let everyone in on the big secret:

It is a gesture meant to indicate a sexual act, wherein the first and second fingers enter a vagina, while the errant pinky plunges into the anus; hence the "shock". The gesture, the province of minds quite filthy in nature, has taken on other, more explicit names: "Two in the pink and one in the stink", "two in the coot and one in the boot", "going to town with one in the brown".

Yes, quite rude, quite crude... but a minimal impact, considering its relative obscurity and difficult explanation. You can imagine Cokefair's eyes tearing up with anger as he flipped through the photographs; smiling faces, blushing with youth and vitality, innocently holding up a signal representing digital sodomy and sexual manipulation. The despair in the room, the struggle to decide what to do, must have been palpable.

And here's our favorite performer staring out from the homepage - and, I might add, the cover of their four-color mailed brochure - advocating rump fingering in her own unknowing way. First I thought it was a very sneaky way of using sex to sell the performing arts, but now my money's on the designers and marketing folks there being some of the many still in the dark.

They'll be using that picture in advertisements all year; how long I should wait before I call someone over there and spill the beans? I'm thinking February.

Damn

As seen on washingtonpost.com...


You mean there´s going to be another one?!

How do you say 'Egads' in Spanish?

I'm not sure how much I'll be able to post in the next few weeks; I have to hit the Spanish books, hard. I'd like to hit them so hard that they smash into little pieces - then I'll have an excuse not to study them, but even I'll admit the chances of that are pretty slim.

There are a few things I've learned about the Spanish language during my last 7 1/2 weeks of studying; I thought I'd share them with you.

1. Everything has sex. Everything is classified as either masculine or feminine. It's like a big gay bar of nouns. So, weddings are feminine, but supermarkets are masculine. Oddly, tampons are masculine and scratching your crotch is feminine. You may not have heard of this rule, because I just made it up.

2. Words are hard. It's hard to memorize all these nouns. Sometimes see Spanish written, all the words seem like simple variations on English. That's a load of hooey. (note: there is no Spanish word for hooey.) So, while 'hero' is translated as 'heroe', 'key' is 'llave'. I also quickly learned that "volverse loco" is the infinitive verb form of "to go crazy."

3. Every verb has 843 forms, 843 of which you will not remember when the professor calls on you in class.

4. Maybe old dogs really can't learn new tricks.

Abandoned Places

Remember the show "Fear" on Mtv? It was an addictive show that placed a group of young adults in the middle of an abandoned place at night. It was always centered around large, abandoned factories, hospitals or other buildings that turned downright scary at night.

The show was entertaining, each contestant had to go and perform some sort of task - usually alone, and usually in the dark - to stay in the game and win prizes. They were scared shitless.

Stumbling through the internet recently, I came upon Abandoned Places. It takes the desolate and enormous feeling of abandoned factories, hospitals and houses and easily expresses it through black & white and color photography.

It's all the work of one man. Through the years he's really gotten around. Two of his photographs are featured here, and there are two fully stocked galleries at the website to keep you entertained (I spent over two hours browsing).

Most were taken in Europe, where they really knew how to build a huge factory with a grand facade. Somehow I don't think abandoned buildings in the U.S. are as impressive. Still, I'd love to find one!

Beautiful and scary at the same time, I'd love to spend a few weekends exploring some abandoned sites. As is stressed on the website, most of the sites are locked or guarded. Some quick wits and thoughtful planning is necessary.

I've always loved photos like these - and while some of them are still rather spooky (one set features a dead body), you come away with a great appreciation for what man has built ... and then abandoned.

Techno-what?

I've never been a big fan of Technorati. It's a website where you can search for any word or phrase and see the most recent blogs on the topic. It's interesting, but I can never thing of anything to search for.

Technorati is based on "tags," those words or phrases you are searching for. Tags are big on the web now, everyone is talking about them. I'm not quite sure why, my local Goodwill has had them on clothes they are selling for as long as I can remember.

What caught my eye today - and you must realize that this blog is simply a collection of the things that make me go "ooh.. hmmmm," was the "Related Tags" they list after you search. These are tags that their system has decided are similar to yours.

Some turn out, well, rather odd:

Search Term: "Man"
Related Tags: Humour, Humor, Funny, Sex, Fun, Bitch, manwhore, Whore, naughty, Jokes.

Search Term: "Woman"
Related Tags: Women, man, Blog, Men, girl, News, fashion, Photos, Love, White.

Search Term: "Good"
Related Tags: technology, Interesting, No idea, FEEL, News, Design, School, Ideas, to.

Search Term: "Evil"
Related Tags: Politics, Media, BlogBits, News, Humor, Global Economy, Web/Tech.

Search Term: "Homosexual"
Related Tags: Gay, Queer, queercast, Podcast, wanda wisdom, lucky bitch radio, GLBT.
Lucky Bitch Radio?

Search Term: "Cow"
Related Tags: Whore, man, Bitch, Humour, fat, Pig, Sex, Funny, Gay, The.

Search Term: "Loser"
Related Tags: Geek, meme.

An Idea

I went out to dinner with my friend Lisa tonight. That was fun because I like Lisa and I also like to eat. We headed out with her friend Kate to Oyamel, a Mexican restaurant in Crystal City, near DC.

Oyamel is really good, the food is well made and fills ya up well. It was here that Lisa and I created our new business plan. Lisa is moving to Ithaca, New York soon, so I'm not sure we'll ever get a chance to do it, but I think it would be a hit.

We realized how much we love cheese. I know, duh, right? But I think that almost everyone - save for some crazy vegans (like Kate) - love cheese. Hell, even the vegans love it, they just can't admit it. They're cheese deniers.

Why don't we see more cheese stores? I mean full-on-hey-you-eat-this-feta cheese stores. So Lisa and I are going to get some money together and open a full service cheese shop. We'll have tastings and fondue. We'll have arty looking cows painted on the wall and partner with a wine store down the street. We'll fly in the face of lactose intolerance.

Everyone business needs an excellent name - something to pull the people in and stick in their mind. To draw the good cheese loving people of the world to our door.

That's why we're opening "Straight From the Cow, Into Your Mouth."

Watch Out!

ForecastFox is great. It's an extention for the FireFox browser (why are you still using Internet Explorer?) that puts weather icons on the lower right side of the browser window. If you mouse-over them, you get a box telling you about the upcoming weather.

You can also get a little radar picture, and it warns you when watches and warnings are issued for your area.

Then, last night, I moused-over and saw the box above. What the hell are thundery rains? I'm picturing drops of rain that make little thunder noises. It also sounds like rain that is really really pissed off. "Look out! Thundery rain!"

I can't wait until Friday!

A Mailbox Full of Fun

God bless the good people at NetFlix. Because of them, I can contribute to the drop in profits for first run movies. (And yet, every service idea has a dark side.) Simply stay home and watch movies at home! I've watched some great ones recently:

Spellbound, 2002 - What's great about this documentary, which follows 8 young people as they prepare for and compete in the national spelling bee, is how the filmmakers, and the kids themselves, make you root for these kids within 40 minutes of film.

You know disappointment is coming for at least 7 of them - if not all 8 - but you still root them on until the very end. Bonus points for not concentrating on overbearing parents. Only one parent seems a bit pushy with his child, the rest simply cheer on their kids like everyone else, and support them when they need it.


The Incredibles, 2004- I know, everyone loves this movie, right? The Incredibles is a perfect example of a film exceeding its "genre." I think people (like, oh, the Academy Awards) are too quick to categorize this film as animation only. It's so well written that it puts a lot of live-action movies to shame.

Animation is a tricky mode of entertainment, even in the TV world. There are significant differences between cartoons and a situation comedy that happens to be animated. Family Guy, cartoon. Futurama, situation comedy. Futurama can actually garner emotions from people - besides humor - due to its development of character and consistent storylines. You can't tell me you care about any of the characters on Family Guy, for good reason, the creators are concentrating on a quick fire barrage of jokes.

I'm not saying one is better than the other - it's simply a different type of entertainment.


Blind Spot: Hitler's Secretary, 2002 - One small part of my long period of renting WWII documentaries (There are a lot of good ones, as long as you don't mind subtitles). This simple but powerful documentary outlines the story of Traudl Junge - Hitler's personal secretary from 1942 - 1945. The story is told with many photos and images from the time, but is narrated completely by Ms. Junge.

It's fascinating to hear her history from being whisked away to a private compound for an interview to the last days spent with Hitler (any many others) in the bunker far underneath Berlin. Of particular interest to me was the filmmaker's technique of filming Junge watching her own recorded information - this allowed her to stop and make further reflections or clear up ambiguities in the original monologue.


Go forth and rent! Rent! RENT!

Quite a View

Today, Tom Cruise was on estrogen steeped The View, and while I normally avoid anything having to do with Star Jones - or anyone named Star, really - I felt I needed to mention it. I was at work at the time, so I had my mute, English-as-a-second-language second Cousin, Renaldo, take copious notes.

An exact transcript, complete with screen-grabs shamelessly stolen from Gawker [forgive me Gawkie, it's in the name of blogging.], follows:

Barbara Walters: Ladies! Please welcome ... Tom! Cruise!
Audience: WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO etc ...


BW: Thank you for being here, Tom. Oh, ha ha! You're doing the couch jump! I know, because I have my finger on the pulse of pop culture, that we've all grown to love this!



BW: Tom?



BW: TOM!



BW: TOM! Stop now and we'll stop playing "Smooth" in the green room! Deal?

Tom Cruise: Ah, OK then. You're impressed, right? Tell me you're impressed! Do it! I control you now! Be impressed!


BW: Let's change the subject. Star, you never talk about anything relevant.

Star Jones: Tom, thank you so much for being here. You have a new and completely real romance with Katie Holmes, are starring in the number one movie in the country and have become one of the most famous people on the face of the earth.

BW: What the ...

SJ: What, I'm sure, we all want to know is: Why didn't you make it to my wedding? You know I got married, right? I'm totally married to a straight man. He just went into that bar to use the bathroom. Can't a man use a bathroom?!?!

BW: ... there we go.

Meredith Vieira (whispering, off camera): Star, we talked about this. Let. It. Go.

Joy Behar: Tom, recently you've become the center of a media maelstrom because of your close connection to Scientology. But because of your vocal support you have received your "Orange Belt" in Scientology. Can I see it?


JB: Oh! How nice it is! Is this a cotton-poly blend?


Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Why doesn't anyone ever pay attention to me? Is my microphone even on?

JB: Hassel, I think you'll find this belt is long enough to reach around the high wood beam in your dressing room. Hint, hint.

(silence)

JB: I'm just kidding! I'm the funny one!

Audience: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

JB: So what is up with this Scientology thing? What's going on there, Tom? As you may have guessed, I'm Jewish, even if they do try to disown me.


TC: Oh, Joy. Joy. Joy. I know Judaism. I've studied it. I think you should study it before you talk about it. Do you know Lox is a street fish? Why are you pushing yarmulkes on kids? They push them on their heads - like THIS!


JB: But the people who pretend to be my friends - Judaism has helped them. They like it.

TC: Joy. Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy. There is no such thing as a Moses. There is no such thing. I know. I've studied it. Do you know the history? I really think you should know as much as I do before you open your mouth ever again. With my help, and only my help, because I know things, I can squish the Judaism out of you!


MV: Tom, please, let's move on, you've shifted Joy's shoulder pad so far it's become a third boob.


MV: So, Tom.


MV: Tom? You're scaring me now.


MV: I've heard you have something to show us.

EH: Didn't hear it from me - you always ignore me in the make-up room ... put up that damn screen ... *mumbles*

MV: Is it a clip from your new movie?

TC: Actually, Meredith, no. I feel that I've moved beyond the movie at this point. Contractually, after 100 million at the box office, I'm allowed to call it a piece of shit if I wish.

MV: I have that same clause for Millionaire. We should hit 100 million by 2089.

TC: I'd really like to share with you what kept me busy on the set of Vanilla Sky.

JB: It certainly wasn't acting!

(silence)

JB: I'm the funny one!

Audience: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

TC: I want, no, I need to share with you the guiding principal which has saved my life. It is my past, my present and my future. I have to show you ...

BW: We don't have to wear hats, do we? I don't have the cheekbones for hats.

TC ... my technique of self-fellatio.

SJ: DO tell.

TC: First you, oh, hell, let me just show you.



BW: I just frew up infoo muh mouf.

SJ: Al does that all the time!

(odd, post-fellatio silence)


BW: *burp* Now Tom, close your eyes, because, BOY, have we got a surprise for you.

TC: You're not going to demand a refund for Eyes Wide Shut, too, are you?

EH: Don't even get my own dressing room. (high voice) Oh, Hassey, you can use this deluxe trailer out back. Deluxe, my ass. No a/c up in that shit ... (mumbles)

MV: Of course not Tom! We took care of that at the theatre. We've flown in your one-and-only, your true love!


TC:

MV: Katie!

TC:

MV Katie Holmes!

TC: Oh! Yeah! That! Bring it out! I'm getting sick and tired of everyone saying our love isn't true. We're close, super close, crazy close! And I intend to prove it here and now. I'm glad this is live, they cut it out of The Today Show interview. I'm so wonderful in love with Katie I'm going to take her from behind right here! Ugh Ugh! Listen to these man-on-woman sex noises!


JB: Tom! Girls need to take off their pants to do that! Tom! You're missing her oony!

Katie Holmes: Hey! Ooph!

SJ: What's that they're doing?

KH: Hey! That isn't part of the deal! Damn it, there's a big spot on my ass.


KH: You're paying for the dry cleaning.

SJ: How could anyone say this love isn't true? Honestly, your love is easily as strong as mine with my husband. Katie, did you hear I got married? I did. I am. I'm married.

EH: And I just sit here like an idiot. Gonna have to start telling people off is what. "Fuck you, Vieira!" like that. Yeah, just like that. *mumbles*

TC: Hold on baby, Karen doll ...

KH: Katie.

TC: ... Katie doll, my little loovey loo. Hold your face steady, I've got something on my hand. There, that's better.


TC: Hey! Kevin ...

KH: Katie.

TC ... Katie, Have you seen this?!





KH: Christ. Yes.

TC: Now now, watch the "c" word. Wire hasn't gone through, yet.

KH: Oh! My baby! Come here and let me kiss ya like I kind of mean it!