Tips for the Traveler

Enjoy the SuperShuttle trip from your apartment to the Baltimore/Washington Airport that occurs about an hour after some security guy in England announces a huge terror plot which causes security folks at every airport in America to go into a tizzy. This will be the most relaxing part of your day.

If you're going to travel on the day that liquids, gels and fun lip gloss is banned from carry-on luggage, and are flying out of Baltimore/Washington airport (BWI), fly Delta. Because Delta flies approximately two flights out of BWI per year, and their security area is small. Plus, the lady at security compliments your new green sneakers.

Don't fly Southwest. Ever. For any reason. Especially not on crazy non-liquid, non-gels, anti-lip gloss days when Southwest security lines stretch farther than you can see and when you ask a woman "is this the line for Delta?" she gets all snippy and snaps "NO, this is the SECURITY line." Not my fault you had to save 17 dollars buy flying an airline with 847 departures per minute so you could buy those ugly pants at Marshall's to wear in Orlando.

Bitch.

Don't fly on this plane. Window seat patrons on this tiny plane have to sit at an angle or constantly smack their heads into the window.

When traveling, continue to despise Mel Gibson.