Friday, May 05, 2006

My bitch dental hygenist gave me a fat lip.

When, exactly, do dental hygienists lose their souls?

Is there a class they are forced to attend in school? SoulSucking 101?

Know why there's no sitcoms about dental hygienists? Cuz they have no souls. (are you listening?)

After a regrettable absence, I decided to return to the dental fold. After jumping through some insurance hoops, I got an appointment. After such a long absence I was prepared for the worst ("Sorry, son, those will all have to come out. We'll replace them with these white lego bricks!")

The first three (three!) appointments were not bad at all. A quick check up and two tooth repairs. The office is a big believer in novocaine, and now, so am I. All those appointments were handled by dentists. Dentists are nice. Dentists don't eat babies.

Then. Today.

If your dentist ever recommends a "root planing/scaling," run. Run far! Run fast! Run like the wind! I thought it wouldn't be a problem - I received magic novocaine ( I should buy stock in a novocaine factory). The doctor administrated the shots, so that part of the visit was very good. They allow dentists to keep their souls. Souls and student loans.

Hygienists, no.

Funny fact. The word Hygienist is from the greek language and breaks up to "Hygien," which means person, and "ist," which means who wants to put you into a lot of pain and see you suffer while enjoying it and getting paid to do so - also you will have to act all nice to them when they are done lest they work on you again, remember your snippy attitude and cut your gums open with a box cutter. Those crazy Greeks.

Even with the blessed novocaine, root planings are painful. The bestest surprise came after the numbness wore off -half my lip is all swollen! I wouldn't be surprised if the hygienist punched me when I wasn't paying attention - you know, when I was balled up in pain in the chair going "UMPHGH ...UMPHGH." It's also possible she slipped me herpes. I didn't see an autoclave there.

But it's not even the procedure itself. It's the attitude while it's being done. Here's a clue: If you want me to turn my head, ask me! Don't just yank on my chin. It's similar to me asking you to please move so I can get by. You'll notice I don't just kick your ass down the escalator.

When you "accidentally" squirt my face with water, apologize. After all, it is your fault.

Man, I hope that was water.

While grinding a sharp metal hook against my gums, ripping open blood vessels, please don't talk about how I'll probably have to go to a gum specialist. Unless it's Dr. Juicy Fruit, I'm not interested.

Stop throwing my periodontal disease in my face. It's already in my face - lodged in my mouth.

Finally, when I tell you I brush and floss twice a day, don't give me that "yeah, right" look. Fact is, I DO brush and floss twice a day, no matter how your face contorts into a mask of disbelief. Give me advice I can use, a toothbrush with sparkly things in the handle and a little tube of toothpaste. Then release me from your dark, cold grasp.

50% co-pay, for this?


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