Check out that Horse's Mouth!

Scott Norvell, London Chief of FOX News, writing in the European Version of the Wall Street Journal: (via Slate)

Even we at Fox News manage to get some lefties on the air occasionally, and often let them finish their sentences before we club them to death and feed the scraps to Karl Rove and Bill O'Reilly. And those who hate us can take solace in the fact that they aren't subsidizing Bill's bombast; we payers of the BBC license fee don't enjoy that peace of mind.

Fox News is, after all, a private channel and our presenters are quite open about where they stand on particular stories. That's our appeal. People watch us because they know what they are getting. The Beeb's institutionalized leftism would be easier to tolerate if the corporation was a little more honest about it.

I'm glad someone from FOX has finally gone on the record admitting that they are heavily slanted to the political right - even though everyone knows it. Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.

Next, find the higher power. Someone page Ailes.

or "Hayden Christensen's premarital sex with Mallard Fillmore and Brittny Gastineau caused HPV"

People are searching for some odd things on Google. The searches are really freaky and sometimes scary. Luckily, some of them point to my site.

Recent searches that brought visitors to Appreciate the Cheese:

Hayden Christensen Premarital Sex

I'm wondering if this was "Availability of ..." or "Experiences during ..."

Celebrities with HPV

I'll admit, it must be hard to find a celebrity spokesperson for Human Pampiloma Virus.

Mallard Fillmore sucks and must die

Liberal anger returns. Finally!

Brittny Gastineau Annoying

Couldn't have said it better myself.

A Digital Macro-mode moment

Bonus points if you know what that last one is...

Acclimation

I'm slowly getting used to living with Fanty, my ghost.

Some things are always hard to get used to. I haven't lived with anyone for over five years, and I wasn't planning on living with a roommate. It's the little things that are a problem. He's a morning-specter, I'm a night owl. He leaves the seat down (I'm not sure why, he doesn't pee).

And Fanty needs to stop making out with the pillow cases in my closet.

But, all things considered, the arrangement is working out. No moaning or chains. Well, not from the ghost anyway.

The surprising thing to me is the plain reality of it all. Ghosts are always shown in movies and on television as these knowing, wise or scary beasts. The movie Poltergeist showed such graceful (and at times downright scary) ghost and spirits gliding down staircases and sucking kids into closets ("All media hype" says Fanty).

The movie Ghost portrays Patrick Swayze gliding through doors and having problems moving real objects (why he didn't then just fall through the floor was never explained, oh well). Still he's there to oversee the life of his wife and make sure she isn't hurt, all while thwarting the bad guy and providing Whoopi Goldberg with a mainstream movie role. (Fanty hates this movie, but he was never a Swayze fan.)

The International Ghost Hunters Society portrays spirits as helping figures and the souls of good people caught between two worlds.

They never mention them getting stuck in the ceiling fan.

Proof!

I've really been enjoying my new digital camera - just reading the manual and playing around with the settings. It's amazing how a camera can show typical scenes from your life in a whole new setting.

I also noticed that some of the pictures seemed to have errors. The picture below shows something above the television to the left. It's some sort of specter rising into the air. I didn't think much of it at first, figuring that it's a reflection of the television screen.

But then I took the picture below. Again, on the left there is some sort of disturbance. I thought it looked a little like those fuzzy ghost pictures you see on the television, but c'mon, ghosts? No such thing.

You can imagine my surprise when I transferred the picture below to my computer. That's a ghost! (In case you don't see it, it's on the right, above the plants.) A haunting! In my very own apartment!

The possibilities are endless! Book deals, television movies starring Justine Bateman, maybe a feature film just for fun. I thought I could get used to living with a ghost. There would be a transitional period but we would learn to get along.

I just wish he'd stop stealing my watch.

No Meeting this Week

From: Meetup.com [mailto:info@meetup.com]
Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2005 5:34 PM
To: cg
Subject: Create local community for Event Planners near you

Dear Meetup Member,

You can help the 258 members of The Washington Event Planning Meetup Group connect and create local community -- become the group's Organizer today.

It's a real & rewarding responsibility, and Meetup.com will help you each step of the way.

That's right, the Event Planning MeetUp group doesn't have an organizer to plan their event.

I guess no wants to take their work home...

Snip Snip

Thank God for DVD's. One of my bestest friends, Lori, got me the 2nd season of The Golden Girls for a graduation gift - and I've been having fun all night watching them.

What's surprising, even more so than the really clear picture, is how much of a 30-minute episode is cut out for syndication. They do this to every syndicated show so that they can pump in more commercials.

And it's usually not one line here or there. We're talking full scenes. Scenes that haven't been seen since 1986. While these scenes aren't integral to the plot, they do flesh out storylines considerably, or make the episode a lot more entertaining.

For example, included in season two is "Empty Nest." This was a Golden Girls episode that set the stage for the Empty Nest spin-off the next year. I've never particularly liked the episode, it seemed forced. All the scenes are set in the neighbor's house and Bea Arthur and company only make quick cameos.

What a difference on the DVD! There are two entire scenes that were cut out, both of which feature the traditional cast prominently. It makes the segue to the spin-off a lot more believable and entertaining. It's a like a whole new show!

If you love a show, I mean really love a show, you owe it to yourself to get it on DVD. You'll never go back to truncated repeats on Lifetime again.

And you'll rue the day Lifetime Television cut out one of Rose's St. Olaf stories in order to jam in another Gyne-Lotrimin commercial.

Graduation!!

Ah, Graduation.

I graduated from The George Washington University this past weekend - and I wanted to put all the pictures up here for everyone to enjoy. So I took out all the pictures where I look like a goof-a-loof, and here they be!

All these pictures can be clicked on for a much bigger version. You're going to need to do that for some of the far-away shots.

It was five days of incredible fun! My parents have a Christmas Eve party at our house every year - and the whole family comes and it's such a great time. This was like five full days of Christmas Eve!


Here's my sister Karen and her boyfriend Brian. Aren't they adorable? You may recognize him from a little independent film called Miss Congeniality 2 - you probably didn't hear about it. They're in the hotel room that my parents and I stayed in. It was huge! Honestly, we could have hosted a dance party in this room. We almost did.

I was so glad that my friends from college came into town. Pictured above is Amy, Shanie and Lisa. I lived with them for 3 years in college. I don't know how I turned out gay with gorgeous women like that in the house.

That's me with the girls. I never like pictures I'm in.

More relatives! That's my father, Uncle Ray, Aunt Angie and my sister relaxing and enjoying some down time. Contrary to this picture, my aunt does not drink all the time. Plus, that was soda.

An Uncle picture! Uncle Tim and Uncle Tony. That ended up being Uncle Tony's favorite spot.

Amy and Shanie. awwwwwwww.

Here's Shanie at dinner. Right after I took this picture I dropped my coat and went to pick it up...

... and after I picked it up I took this picture. Shanie is quite a lush!

That night we went out for Karoke in town. That's Shanie, our friend Venu, me and Amy.

Here's Venu crooning to the crowd. See those girls behind him? They were crazy drunk and lame.

Me and Amy. She's so cute. And she looked wicked fly that night.

My sister came too! It was fun!

After Karoke we went anywhere that was serving booze to another bar in town we enjoy.

The next day we went sightseeing. This is a great family shot taken in the sculpture garden of the National Gallery of Art. That's my family. Me, Karen, my dad and my mom. My family is the reason I had the strength and made the effort to get my degree. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today without them.

My sister and Brian in the garden. Adorable.

Here's a nice shot of the World War II memorial in DC. It's a lot bigger than I thought. I would have taken more pictures here, but I was wicked tired from working.

A small portion of the bar at the hotel room. I can only remember parts of this weekend.

The big graduation ceremony was on the Ellipse, next to the White House in DC. This is the view I had. And it was 10 times better than the view of my family. sigh.

A new view - with the platform party on stage.

Martha and George Washington stopped by. (natch.)

Speaker One: A female in physics - outspoken all her life, she didn't stop now. She called on the university to increase funding to the sciences.

Believe it or not, that's Andy Rooney - he was the main speaker. He had a really good speech.

My friends April and Bercu. They were getting masters and I a lowly bachelors, but I still sat with them. It was more fun that way.

Family - post graduation ceremony.

Woo! Uncle Tim, Aunt Rosanne, me, Aunt Angie, Uncle Ray, Godmother Aunt Maryann and Uncle Tony. I was so happy that they all came down. It made the day so much special because they were there.

Dinner at Jaleo! Great Spanish food, even better company.

Another table at dinner, I work with Rosanna, she's next to Lisa, then Amy, Shanie and Jean-Paul. Rosanna's the reason I have these pictures. She gave me this incredible (and amazingly small) digital camera for graduation.

Family shot at dinner. As you can see, I got a bit too much sun at graduation. OK, a LOT of too much.

Me and the girls.

The men in my sister's life.

Lunch the next day --- I started missing people even then. Too close to them leaving.

My parents and I and lunch.

My parents - taken this morning - I was really missing them then, even though they hadn't left the city yet.

It was a great weekend - everything worked out so perfectly! I had no reason to be nervous about anything, everything worked out perfectly (thanks to my family.)

All of a sudden, I feel so lonely. I can't wait to see them all again. I'm visiting my sister in a few weeks, and I'm going to visit my parents this summer.

Can't wait!

See You Soon

I'm graduating from university this weekend, and a gaggle of my family and friends are coming into town to celebrate. It's going to be a great time, but I don't foresee having much time to blog. I won't even have my computer.

I'll be back next Wednesday. My father is filling the trunk of the car with luggage and booze, so I'm sure I'll have a bunch of stories to tell.

Just for fun, I'm re-running my Comics Gone Golden series here because I can't think of anything else to say I feel they never got enough attention.

Comics Gone Golden:

Gil Thorp performs The Golden Girls

Boondocks performs The Golden Girls

Luann performs The Golden Girls

Mutts performs The Golden Girls

Nancy performs The Golden Girls

Broom Hilda performs The Golden Girls

Pearls Before Swine performs The Golden Girls

Adam performs The Golden Girls

Get Fuzzy performs The Golden Girls

Mallard Fillmore performs The Golden Girls

Blondie performs The Golden Girls

The Lockhorns perform The Golden Girls

Hi and Lois performs The Golden Girls

Zits performs The Golden Girls

The More Things Change ...

"...roughly 7-8% of men in Germany are homosexual. If that is how things remain, our nation will fall to pieces because of that plague. Those who practice homosexuality deprive Germany of the children they owe her."

-Heinrich Himmler, Reichsfüher-SS, Nazi Germany, 1937

"Even more alarming than the destructive effect upon the individual is the threat that the [homosexual] activists’ agenda poses upon society as a whole. Again we repeat, the traditional family—one father, one mother, and their natural or adopted children—is the basic building block of society. Not just our society, but society as a whole. The history of civilization proves that when a particular society strays from this norm, that society deteriorates."

-The Homosexual Issue, Citizens for Community Values, 2005

Cheap Shot

A good friend and I trade e-mails back and forth almost every day. It keeps me smiling during the day - and allows us to consider and meditate on the important things in life.

Sometimes these conversations go on for days. I've decided to put one up here because I'm lazyI think it's very interesting! The names have been changed to protect the guilty. I can admit that I am C.G.

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 1:19 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: egads

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7761678/site/newsweek/

Depew didn't even make the top *1000*

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 2:09 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Yeah but did any schools around here?? Silly booboo!

Dude, I just got your [phone] message yesterday.

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 2:05 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Clarence did, Amherst did, Williamsville did....

I just wanted to be sure you were OK after your Canada Adventure. [Travelling to Canada on an errand]

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 3:01 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Yeah, those schools have a bunch of snooty rich kids in attendance.

So dude, how about I still don't have my cap and gown. I think I'm going to leave now and get it, head home and then come back (we have two focus groups this evening, one at 6, one at 8.) I should be done at 10 - how about that bullshit.

How are you?

Canadian adventure was fine, except the EZPass threw me off, you can use the American EZpass there which I find very odd. I got in the lane and wanted to pay and the man was a real dick about it. I told him screw you, I'm AMERICAN!

JK

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 3:00 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

That's total bullshit!
I can't pick up my cap and gown until a week from today - but that makes sense, mine is a week later.

Are you wicked excited about graduation?

Are the focus groups for school?! When are you DONE with that SHIT?!

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 9:38 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Wait, so everyone is going to be getting their caps and gowns from Wednesday to Friday? Dude can you say line?

They had commencement kickoff on April 13th but I was in Vegas, and I think that's dumb anyway cause it's not like there was a bonus to doing that. Yesterday I Just went and got the cap and gown and we had to buy the hood for an additional 35 bucks. They really screw you! I'm
really excited about it now that I have it, I tried it on last night and I felt all scholarly! Almost makes me want to go back for more!

Almost

The focus groups were for work - school is done, I handed in my last paper on Thursday. Hope I passed...haha

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 9:30 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

My cap and gown costs something like 70 dollars.

But that was in addition to the $100 "processing" fee for them to get me my diploma.

They screw you any way they can.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 10:21 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Isn't that BULL??? They had this package where you could buy graduation announcements and I'm like dude, why bother, I'm taking an ad in the post.

I can't believe it. You know what - for this money we should wear them all weekend...

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 9:37 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Well, I have to say it was cool, with the tickets to the ceremony on the Ellipse, they actually gave us 10 invitations/announcements. Of course, there was a brochure in there for buying more "at a significant discount". Yeah, like $5 each yaw stupid jerks.

Also way overpriced? Diploma frames.

Also? Anything at the school bookstore.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 10:33 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

YES! They had these Buff State Blankets which I was like "Oh, nice" they were the sweatshirt material. They were 30 bucks. I was like UM NO!

And the diploma cover I said NO - I'm getting that baby FRAMED! It's going on my wall!

Do you have enough tickets? 10 dones't seem like enough for your gang!

------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 9:47 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Our diploma cover came with the thing, but the frames are wicked expensive.

It's not enough - I'm using connections to get 6 more to the business school graduation and 8 more to the ellipse ceremony..

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 10:40 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

You are so funny - connections! I only needed three tickets. I'm sad.

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 9:55 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

What about [other peoples that might go].

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 11:06 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Please... [other people are] much too busy to bother with me.

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 11:36 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

That sucks donkey dick.

In other news, Jennifer Garner? Say goodbye to your fucking career.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 12:26 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Omg - is it really true?

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 11:56 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

First the engagement to Ben Affleck - (that's a bad sign right there) And THEN we find out she's already 3 months preggers...

*flush*
ooooohhh.. there goes her career.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 1:37 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Yeah but is it really true????

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 1:31 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

I think it is.

You going to the Vartan movie tonight? [Monster in Law]

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 2:19 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

OF COURSE!

Me and my friend Rob are going and I sent this picture (I'm attaching it here too) and he goes "she better get her hands off our man," and I was like damned straight!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 2:42 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

He's got nice forearms.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 3:33 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

I know!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 2:46 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Forearms are really important.
Your hands are attached to them.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 3:44 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Hahaha - you are so funny.....

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 3:06 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

He's hot and all...and he's got the forearm thing going on, but I
dunno...

He's no jake gyllenhaal.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 4:19 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Oh good lord...did you even see the day after tomorrow? Yeah, let's burn these books, that'll produce a nice hot flame. Not as hot as say, burning these tables and chairs, but they books will do....

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 3:44 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

I said he was hot, not his scripts. (but apparently his books)

I doubt Vartan was psyched up about his stint in The Pallbearer.

:P

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2005 8:33 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Are you telling me you SAW the pallbearer? LOSER!!!!!!

I went last night to monster in law - he's so hot!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 9:36 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Any full frontal nudity?

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 11:23 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

No but he was running shirtless and he's just so cute (his face!)

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 10:36 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Eh, I'll wait for the DVD.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 11:25 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Oh yeah, don't go out and see it, it's not worth it unless you are a SF (Super Fan) of the MV.

But definately get it with your Netflix

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 10:55 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

I'll put it on my list... So the movie itself is only so-so? That's a shame.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 12:05 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

It had some funny parts in the beginning, all the parts that weren't over shown in the previews, but then it got to be all the stuff you saw in the previews with the two of them (Jlo an Jfo) duking it out. That was ehhh...

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 12:02 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Jfo - that I like.

It's good to see her acting again - too bad she picked this movie. How was Wanda Sykes? I love her...

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 12:54 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Hilarious, she was hilarious.

The movie was OK for JFo - nice comeback...although there were a ton of close-ups and her face, whooo weee - she is getting OOOOOOLD!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 12:08 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

I believe she is 87.

I love me some Wanda Sykes! She was live here last year and I could NOT stop laughing! So dirty, but SO FUCKING FUNNY!

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 12:58 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

OMG I would love to see her live - she's fucking hilarious!!!!

Yes, I think 87 or 88. You can tell around her mouth.

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 1:27 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

She needs some of that lip injection

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 3:00 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Botox!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 2:41 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Collagen!

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 3:48 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

YEAH!!!!!!! You are so smart!!!!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 3:30 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Hell, give her both.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 4:25 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Dude, you'll be saying an Amen to that after you see the movie!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 4:18 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Well, she is 103.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 8:10 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

You are so damned funny.

When are you parents getting there?? [into town]

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 9:40 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Everyone gets here on Thursday.

Luckily, their arrivals are a bit spread out, otherwise I don't know what I'd do.

I honestly can not wait for them to get here, but I'm killing myself getting ready here. I have three, three! lists of things I either need to do or buy. (or clean)

Argh.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 10:57 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

OMG that sucks!!!! Why is it that going on vaca, or planning for peeps is so much work????

Don't clean, Karen won't mind. Although she might say I asked you to do one thing Carl, one thing!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 10:18 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

It's an interesting situation. I'm almost happy that Karen is coming, because it forces me to clean and organize or fix all those little things in the apartment that don't really bug me, but should be done anyway.

I won't have to worry about cleaning for a while, anyway.

It just would have been easier if it had come at a time when I'm not planning a dinner and confirming hotel rooms and making up goody bags. Oh yeah, and getting the gown and shit for the actual graduation too.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 11:32 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Why are you making up goody bags????

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 10:47 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Oh, for people in their rooms. Some snacks, bottled water (water here sucks), sunscreen.. just to be nice. My mom is bringing some stuff down - I'm getting some of the food and such here...

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 11:38 AM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

You are so nice to do that!!!! I'd be like "here is a map to CVS"

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 11:19 AM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

LOL There is a CVS right down the street too!

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 1:07 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Well you know what to do then if they run out of anything. Giddy up!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 12:27 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

True dat.

I'm glad you had a good time with graduation. Did [attendee] make it in time?

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 1:18 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

[She] made it in time but [she] didn't go - [she] went out with friends.

Ass!

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 2:44 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Total ASS!
I suppose the friends were graduating from Drunk University. They graduated Magum cum Liquor.

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 3:41 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

OMG this made me piss my pants laughing

You are so damned funny.

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 3:26 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Sometimes I wish I could use e-mail exchanges as blog entries. I find writing a quick quip easier than a damn entry...

-------------------------------
From: L.V. [mailto:l.v.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 4:15 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Well why don't you? Just copy and paste those babies! I did yesterday, when my friend told me that Katie's strategy on Survivor was to be a bitch and make fun of people...hahah

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 3:30 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Actually, you're right... and look at this motherfucker ... it goes back DAYS...

-------------------------------
From: L.V.
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 4:19 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Yeah but I wasn't very funny, I'll look like a loser....

I'll read it again.

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 3:50 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

Want me to change your name? I could make you Gina Lolabridgida.
Or [Voofah the Lava Queen].

(ooh ooh! What about Miss. X)

-------------------------------
From: L.V.
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 4:48 PM
To: C.G.
Subject: RE: egads

Yeah but I talk about people...if you remove those sections it's fine.. at least you look funny.

-------------------------------
From: C.G. [mailto:C.G.]
Sent: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 5:07 PM
To: L.V.
Subject: RE: egads

I'll make some strategic edits. I can't resist. Daily Kos should just do this.

No Cure For You!

I don't know how I missed this item - but I'm sure a lot of people missed it as it didn't get much play in the main-stream media.

It's wonderful news - two pharmaceutical companies have perfected a cure vaccine for human papillomavirus (HPV) - a sexually transmitted disease which is harmless most of the time, but has a nasty effect on some women:

Radar Online:

Usually HPV is harmless, but a tiny fraction of strains can lead to cervical cancer, and that’s bad. In fact, 93 percent of the women who develop cervical cancer — which kills up to 4,000 a year in the U.S. and 250,000 around the world — are infected with HPV.

Very nasty.

And it's not a rare disease, from New Scientist:

HPV is extremely common. Half of all sexually active women between 18 and 22 in the US are infected. Most cases clear up, but sometimes infection persists and can cause cancer decades later.

Here's the rub. To prevent infection, girls would have to be vaccinated before they became sexually active. This has several abstinence only groups in a tizzy.

The Family Research Council (no link, I hate them.):

Giving the HPV vaccine to young women could be potentially harmful, because they may see it as a license to engage in premarital sex.

Scott Phelps of the Abstinence and Marriage Education Partnership (I don't even want to look for their website):

We’re all for preventing cancer, but is this really the way to do it?

Do they honestly wonder if a vaccine is a good way to prevent cancer? Well, YES YOU IDIOT! IT IS!

HPV can be transmitted even with the use of a condom. It is the abstinence-movement's biggest and best scare tactic. To paraphrase: "You have premarital sex - you'll get HPV and get cancer and die." The Family Research Council's own website:

It is certain, however, that one out of every 50 American women will be diagnosed with cervical cancer. It is also certain, as mentioned above, that almost all cervical cancer in the United States is caused by HPV. While it is impossible to estimate how contagious high-risk HPV is compared with low-risk HPV, 2.5 million women are infected each year with at least one strain of the virus. Scientists estimate that between 30 and 75 percent of all sexually active adults are already infected with HPV. (emphasis theirs)

Naturally, this statement linking HPV to cancer and yelling about how condoms won't help, nothing will help, was written before the announcement about vaccines came out.

Hope prevails. Americans aren't stupid. From New Scientist:

In the US, for instance, religious groups are gearing up to oppose vaccination, despite a survey showing 80 per cent of parents favour vaccinating their daughters.

Now, Use the Word "Bippy"

Sometimes marketing makes me very happy.

Watching Law and Order the other day - no basketball to cancel it - I saw a commercial for Aspercreme. I don't think I have ever paid attention to an Aspercreme commercial before; I vaguely remember the "there's no aspirin in Aspercreme" thing they had going on a few years ago.

This commercial's tag line was "You Bet Your Sweet Aspercreme!"

Genius.

This will make them millions.

You can see a quick screen grab of the tag line here [scroll down]. I searched but could not find a video of the commercial online.

The response in the blog-world has not been very positive (half the reason I'm writing this).

From the Parents' Message Board:

Part of me chuckled for a second, but I do think it is in poor taste, especially during shows that are supposed to be safe viewing for everyone.

From JeffBlogworthy.com:

I am not calling for a boycott, but now when I walk into a store and see the name "Aspercreme®" I am going to associate it with negative feelings (feelings are oh-so-important in the public arena now) and I will not feel like buying their product. The ad is just plain tacky.

Of course, that one is from a blog whose subtitle is "You might be a LEFTneck if ...," so make your own judgments. But I do applaud his use of the "restricted" symbol.

I agree that this may turn some people off, they're running it during Wheel of Fortune for chrissake. However, younger people get aches and pains and also age - and this ad campaign will be remembered.

Frankly, the next time I have an ache or pain, I'm buying the product that I can take home and say to friends, "It's the ASS product! You know, from TV! You bet your sweet ASS-percreme!"

Marketing rules.

Brits, Obsessed with Wang

The first question will be, "How exactly did you stumble onto this website?" so I'll make it perfectly clear up front.

Reading Defamer.com, I came across this "celebrity" sighting:

Worst B-list sighting.ever. Saw Zachary Ty Bryan at my Sunday drunk spot, Baja Cantina. He tried repeatedly to talk to my girlfriend who was so drunk she kept forgetting that he had already hit on her and kept re-dissing him. Just a sad sight for poor Brad Taylor.

Who was Zachary Ty Bryan? I seemed to remember he was on (the awful) Home Improvement television show, but couldn't remember which kid he was. So, as I do in most cases like that, I take my questions to images.google.com.

As you can easily see, the 10th picture, and the first I clicked on, took me to www.club18-35.co.uk. First on the page was Adam Brody, the cutie from the O.C. and The Gilmore Girls.

I now know there is a website for everything. Club 18-35 is committed to revealing which stars' members are "intact" (as they put it) and which have had "Mr. Winky snipped" (as I put it.)

Oddly, it's not pornographic at all, and their journalistic standards seem to be higher than the Star and US Weekly:

Our desire is to inform rather than to offend and, so far as we possibly can, all entries in this list are verified by reliable images, published material (eg interviews), by at least two independent sources, or have previously been authenticated by trusted contributors. But, however hard we try, total accuracy cannot guaranteed!

And they are constantly on the look-out for new information:

We aim to add 20 celebrities every month, but to achieve this we do need your help - with information, sightings, etc.

This brings whole new meaning to the idea of a "star sighting." They don't care if you saw Hayden Christensen making out with Brad Pitt at a Mexican restaurant in Boise - but could you follow him into the bathroom and see if he's got a turtleneck or a mock?

After actors turn 35, they are transferred to Club 35 Plus - which for a moment convinced me this site was based in Hollywood.

Not so. The site is decidedly UK centered. I didn't know who half of these guys were, but if you know "Blue Peter" and put a "u" in color, then you've hit the jackpot.

If nothing else, it's a good reference for when you find yourself in bed with Matt Damon (snip, snip) or Giovanni Ribisi (windsock city). Which will probably happen sooner or later.

Kids, Can You Say "Nuclear Option"?

From Whitehousekids.gov:

George W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States.

Favorite Teacher
Coach Jones

Goals
President Bush has pledged to work in a bipartisan spirit, which means he plans to work with both Republicans and Democrats in Congress to pursue goals that are best for Americans.

Atlanta Journal Constitution:

The Bush administration Monday threw its political weight behind a Republican effort to end the right of unlimited debate in the Senate.

You shouldn't lie to kids.

Bon

Recently I saw Appreciate the Cheese translated into Spanish. It was a revelation. My writing is beautiful in Spanish!

It amazed me how much a quick translation changed the look and feel of my words. I bet everything could be helped by a quick translation. Take this little bit of venom from George W. Bush:

Today, I call upon the Congress to promptly pass and to send to the states for ratification an amendment to our Constitution defining and protecting marriage as a union of a man and woman as husband and wife.

Not pretty. But take another look, in Italian:

Oggi, invito il congresso per passare subito e trasmettere al dichiara per la ratifica una correzione alla nostra unione di definizione e di protezione di costituzione come unione di un uomo e di una donna come il marito e moglie.

It softens the whole message! (somehow.) Now, just to torture Bush, let's translate his hate into French:

Aujourd'hui, j'invite le congrès promptement pour passer et envoyer aux états pour la ratification un amendement à notre mariage définissant et protecteur de constitution en tant qu'union d'un homme et d'une femme comme mari et épouse.

Wonderful! And a new language not only softens the message, it can make it beautiful as well. It's true! Take a look at Russian:

Something about backwards N's ... it's very comforting. Greek is very attractive as well:



And Japanese - well, wow, even I'd vote for this amendment:



But let's face facts, making that text pretty is like putting lipstick on a pig (don't put lipstick on a pig). There must be a language that is just as foreign, yet keeps the edge



Ahh, there we are.

[Note: Most of these translations are probably WAY off - I can only work with what Babelfish gives me.]

[Note2: This post was a BITCH to do - Blogger does not take kindly to foreign languages, so I was forced to make several languages graphics in photoshop. Also, Law & Order was preempted for basketball again, and that always puts me in a bad mood]

[Note3: OK, add to all that the fact that Blogger was down tonight for much longer than its "planned" time. I'm going to demand every dime I paid back! Oh, wait.]

[Note4: Spell-checking this post was nearly impossible. Everything in French is misspelled.]

It is Happening Again

I like to fall asleep to the television every night. I get that from my mother. But when I go home to visit my parents, there is no television in my bedroom.

So I usually put on the radio to listen to some talk show or another. That's how I discovered "Coast to Coast AM." It's on after 1am every night. It's probably on where you live too. The host George Noory (it used to be Art Bell) interviews people whose beliefs are, well, a little different.

Alien abductions, the holy grail, talking ghosts and predictions of the future are all showcased. It's not as cheesy as it sounds - it can be quite compelling. Enough to make me turn on the light in my room at 2am. (I've never been fond of aliens, and the trees outside my bedroom make weird noises on the wall.)

Since I'm usually home around the time of the New Year, I usually hear the annual predictions episode. These claims seem outlandish, yet they stick with me.

So, naturally, David Morton's predictions of 2002 continue to rattle around in my brain. Let's take a look.

• A concerted terrorist attack on 5 major US airports (Chicago, Dallas, Salt Lake, NYC, LA) will occur in late August 2003.

Hmm.... OK, this did not happen, unless it was planned and thwarted by the US Government.

• War with Iraq will begin somewhere between Jan. 15th and Feb.1, 2003, and will eventually expand into Iran. Libya is also going to be a major player and will have “Excalibur nukes.”

The begin date is close and Iran is definitely become a bigger player. The Libyan connection doesn't seem to pan out.

• We will have an unusually cold “Siberian Express” winter across major portions of the U.S. this year, which will lead to massive flooding in the spring.

Nope.

But here's the one that made the hair on my arms stand up today.

• Sometime between 2005 and 2010, the federal capital will move to Denver as Washington DC becomes indefensible in the face of further terrorism.

From The Washington Post, 5/9/05:

CIA Plans to Shift Work to Denver - Domestic Division Would Be Moved

The CIA has plans to relocate the headquarters of its domestic division, which is responsible for operations and recruitment in the United States, from the CIA's Langley headquarters to Denver, a move designed to promote innovation, according to U.S. intelligence and law enforcement officials.

Now I know, this isn't the whole government - and they are giving a different reason for the move, but that didn't stop my eyes from getting wide and me saying out loud "Holy Shmole."

Let's hope the last prediction of 2002 is a bust:

• China will eventually run out of food and decide to attack the US with a 200 million-strong army that will enter our country via Alaska, sometime between 2015-2020.

What, Too Soon?

To: The History Channel

From: Appreciate the Cheese

Date: May 8, 2005

RE: The Future of History

First off, congratulations on your coverage of the 60th anniversary of V-E Day. People have criticized your concentration on WWII events and figures, but the last few days have proven that the material you have is compelling and enlightening.

I'm sure you have noticed your fellow cable channels taking the easy way out and adding reality programming or worse. TLC (Which used to stand for The Learning Channel, but now stands for nothing.) started it all with the success of Trading Spaces. Soon, there was little learning and a lot more decoupage. A once great channel fell.

AMC (formerly American Movie Classics), once a bastion of classic films second only to Turner Classic Movies, decided to add commercials while removing any questionable material. Soon movies like "Short Circuit" were deemed "classic." Another quality television station taken by force.

A&E - your parent network - has also fallen in line, introducing multiple reality shows, including shows about airline travel, a mob-boss' daughter, a stunt-man, bounty hunters and a funeral parlor. The ratings went up but it cost them their soul. Another vibrant channel, full of excellent shows lost the good fight.

Discovery Channel fell next, easily taken over by bikers and car mechanics and, well, more bikers. Ratings went up and the creation of quality programs decreased. Nothing has emerged on the scale of "Walking with Dinosaurs" since "Walking with Dinosaurs." Discovery put up a good fight - and I've no doubt that there are still resistance fighters there - but it fell like the rest.

The History Channel must be the arsenal of quality television. Even now the enemy is at your borders. Recently "Full Throttle" started on The History Channel. It's described as:

Part reality show, part history, FULL THROTTLE gives car lovers the chance to ride into history. Two teams are each given the same model of a classic car in similar disrepair. Supplied with a garage, tools and parts, they've got two days to get their wheels high performance as they prepare to compete in an all-or-nothing drag race. The winner drives away in both cars; the loser walks away empty-handed.

Some say this is only one show on a very large schedule, but there is nothing to be gained through appeasement. It's all or nothing.

You must fight in the pitch meetings, you must fight in the writing rooms, you must fight in the hallways and in the executive office, and you must never surrender.

It's not just about you; your strength and your resistance could prove to the world that there is more than one way. Your courage could liberate the masses from mediocre television.

The world is watching.

BlogMatch

Fun with Nick Denton! The blog-maestro-extraordinaire now lays claim to 6,540 blogs (my favorite is "Loose Tit," the blog following Tara Reid exclusively.)

I started thinking about Denton, then I stopped, and then I thought about that magazine HighLights. Remember HighLights? (Fun with a Purpose!) I used to love that magazine. And out came this post.

Even if you never visit these blogs, the quotes are still a hoot.

See if you can match the snarky phrase below with the Denton blog that gave it birth. Be warned, one of these quotes is of my own making and will never get Denton sued. I make no promises on the other six.

When you're done with the quiz, simply flip your monitor upside down to read the answers!

1. " Jessica Simpson continues to give the impression of being single by humping and grinding her way about Vegas."

2. "The first rule about wild animalistic sex sessions: you do no not talk about wild animalistic sex sessions. But gossiping about it is fine, and we’re not about to stop doing that. Ride on, Brad [Pitt and Angelina Jolie], ride on!"

3. "OMGOMGOMG LIND-SAY! Double-L Double-D lost her Sidekick at a party—the very same party Paris Hilton lost her Sidekick at. Is that just crazy or what?!?!? So they like went into a T-Mobile store and straight locked it down for an hour while they picked out new ones, right? And Paris's little dog was all, YAP! and stuff, right? OMG so hot."

4. "We don’t know about the phone calls, but for the record, if we had to work on that Insider show Pat [O'Brien] does, our comparative drug use would make Pat’s look like the Amish equivalent of Henry Rollins’."

5. "And they remembered the old saying 'It's no fun with just alcohol.' Thankfully, [Nicole] Richie was on hand to lend a hand. And a straw. And the mirror."

6. "I’ve been trying to follow up this morning on yesterday’s eentsy-weentsy New York City bombing, but what do we know? Nothing. ... From way of the Guardian: 'Police determined that one of the bombs was the size of a pineapple, the other the size of a lemon.' Well, that’s useful to know! Bombs are apparently like cancer — only able to be measured in units of fruit."

7. "If this movie [The Interpreter] is truly Sydney Pollack’s love letter to the UN (we read that in several places), does that make Sean Penn the on-screen representation of Pollack’s penis, ineffectually penetrating the gaping vagina represented by the UN’s General Assembly? Someone might need to tack on another therapy session each week. Probably us."


A. Defamer

B. Gawker

C. Gizmodo

D. Sploid

E. Screenhead

F. Gridskipper

I know, I skipped Wonkette. Apparently my quiz-making matches my internet browsing habits. I live in D.C. and I still can't get into it. Too much ass-fucking (You'll never catch me saying that again.)

AND Fruit Roll-Ups!

I miss transformers,

and Legos,

and watching G.I. Joe on the tee-vee.



What do you miss?

Son of Catalog of Fun

The catalog entries continue. All real, all taken from the Harriet Carter catalog - with just a bit of revising.

Some women are content to give money to armed forces charities and some women are content to stick a yellow magnet on the back of their S.U.V. And then there are those that are truly patriotic. These country-loving few will wear our Burka-Lite until all of our soldiers return from the Middle East.

Everyone around you will be constantly reminded of the lack of flesh-baring fashions our boys suffer through, but the Burka-Lite still allows you to show off your new bangs and high-rise khakis! Available in Oil Black, Ayatollah White and Balls Blue.


Woof! Woof! Is frisky Rover ruining your (and your neighbors!) peace with his incessant barking? Easily solve everyone's problem with our cruelty-free "Woof-Out" Collar.

The "Woof-Out" works with simple technology. When it senses your dog is barking, it vibrates slightly and then inserts three needles into your dog's neck - delivering a high dose of valium (we call it Barkum, ha ha!). Rover will be lucky if he can walk straight, let alone keep barking.



The birds are singing and the flowers are in bloom, it's picnic season! But won't your heart break when you hear this:
"Mom! These strawberries have Lyme Disease!"
"Honey, my wiener has Malaria!"
"Gloria, these baked beans have the Yellow Jack!"
Save yourself the embarrassment with this inexpensive Food Malaria Tent! With this simple (and fashionable!) device you can rest assured that you won't hear a word of complaint, and that you don't have West Nile in your buns!


Fancy caskets, huge flower displays and ooky embalming fluid - our society has slowly desecrated the ancient rite of burial. Do yourself, and your loved ones an enormous favor and return to the time-honored tradition of backyard burials.

Naturally, a caring person like you will want to commemorate the interment with this fine (Faux)Stone Grave Marker. If it's good enough for that guinea pig, isn't it good enough for Auntie Violet?

Alternate inscription Available:
If Anger Made A Bungee Cord,
And I Could Find The Right Crevasse,
I'd Jump Down Into Hell-fire
And Kick You In The Ass.

You too, Gracie

Why I sob quietly at my desk while surfing the net:

A new Republican power-grab at PBS
"[Chairman of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting] Mr. Tomlinson told them they should make sure their programming better reflected the Republican mandate."

How Bush's Social Security plan will screw me. Presented in easy percentages.

Abortion, gay rights and the deficit are one thing. They're not touching my cable TV!

From The New York Times:

It appears that [Paris] Hilton's blond ambition knows no bounds and she is clearly intent on capitalizing on her fame; she commands anywhere from $150,000 to $200,000 to appear at a party for 20 minutes, she said. "If it's in Japan I get more," she said.

That's it, folks. Good night!

[If it's in Japan I get more?]