Appreciate the Cheese

Dachshund Draft Stopper keeps out the cold air! Plush pup's 31" freakishly, possibly nuclear-waste induced long body will guard that drafty door and keep those winter winds at bay. A great way to keep your home comfortable, heating bills affordable and concerned looks on the faces of your friends.

Helpful Hint #2

2007-01-07T21:15:00.000-05:00

Summer gatherings are an excellent way to keep up with friends while making a casual meal (hot dogs, hamburgers) on the outdoor grill. Thoughtful hosts offer guests several condiments to top their dog.

Helpful Hint

2007-01-06T00:08:00.000-05:00

Using weights while exercising will increase the speed of your results. Don't buy expensive weight sets - simply use items around the house!

Quote of 2006

2006-12-29T21:26:00.000-05:00

*ahem*
drum roll, please.

From The Washington Post, regarding the impending hanging of Saddam Hussein:

Maliki said Friday that no one can overturn Hussein's death sentence and that there would be "no delay" in hanging Hussein. He added that "our respect for human rights" obliges his government to go ahead with the execution

Thank you! Good night! There will be no encore!

Ho Ho Houuuaaarrrgh!

2006-12-11T23:34:00.000-05:00

Christmas CAN be scary!

sorry

2006-12-05T20:31:00.000-05:00

i haven't posted in awhile. it's a-comin.

Bird Flu reaches Euro-Disney

2006-09-10T11:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes

2006-09-07T22:47:00.000-04:00

working with the public is frustrating.

Da Plane! Da Plane!

2006-08-25T21:53:00.000-04:00

More squishy goodness from airliners.net

Eva tried South Beach, Atkins and the Grapefruit and Tea diet, but she couldn't resist the temptation known as the cheese counter.

Truck vs. Plane. Who would you bet on?

In his later - digitally altered - years, E.T. wouldn't even look at a bike for transportation.

VASP knew he shouldn't have had beans for lunch.

"Move it." "No, YOU move it." "No, YOU MOVE IT." "EHH" "EHHHHH" *SHOVE* *SHOVE*

Phallic.

Getting High

2006-08-24T20:25:00.000-04:00

Have you been checking out the cool photos at airliners.net?
I'm a plane freak - I love to watch them, and so these pictures are great.

Whenever I'm flying in and out of Washington, I'll do my damnnest to fly in and out of DC National Airport. It's partly because I don't own a car, and National is really close. The other main reason ...

Who wouldn't want to fly in and out of this airport?!

Let's look at other pictures ...

Yay! for Eastern Air Lines! The first Airline I ever flew on. Always such shiny planes, too. Nice.

Linda later realized that serving drinks and hiking up her skirt was getting her nothing but paper cuts on the U.S. Mail Express. (Cool square windows, though.)

After heckling the large airplane for hours (FATTY! FATTY!), Bill went out alone to check it one more time, and was never heard from again. (CHOMP!)

747 Apply Directly to the Forehead
747 Apply Directly to the Forehead
747 Apply Directly to the Forehead

ugh.

2006-08-23T23:10:00.000-04:00

Just to save you time and money:

Yoplait Fat Free Banana Cream Pie Yogurt tastes nothing like Banana Cream Pie.

I guess "Gooey, Vaguley Lemon Flavored, consistency of Snot" didn't fit on the package.

WOOT!

2006-08-17T19:33:00.000-04:00

Woot.com is an ingenious website that offers one product for sale per day - typically at a very good price.

Sometimes, rarely, Woot holds a "woot-off" where they offer product after product after product - showing the next one one when the first has sold out. It's totally addictive.

That's why I now own a Dirt Devil Cordless Mop n' Vac.

Woot helps you remember all the products you always really really wanted, but forgot about. Hmmmm... that frog shaped water alarm looks promising...

Tips for the Traveler

2006-08-14T21:23:00.000-04:00

Enjoy the SuperShuttle trip from your apartment to the Baltimore/Washington Airport that occurs about an hour after some security guy in England announces a huge terror plot which causes security folks at every airport in America to go into a tizzy. This will be the most relaxing part of your day.

If you're going to travel on the day that liquids, gels and fun lip gloss is banned from carry-on luggage, and are flying out of Baltimore/Washington airport (BWI), fly Delta. Because Delta flies approximately two flights out of BWI per year, and their security area is small. Plus, the lady at security compliments your new green sneakers.

Don't fly Southwest. Ever. For any reason. Especially not on crazy non-liquid, non-gels, anti-lip gloss days when Southwest security lines stretch farther than you can see and when you ask a woman "is this the line for Delta?" she gets all snippy and snaps "NO, this is the SECURITY line." Not my fault you had to save 17 dollars buy flying an airline with 847 departures per minute so you could buy those ugly pants at Marshall's to wear in Orlando.

Bitch.

Don't fly on this plane. Window seat patrons on this tiny plane have to sit at an angle or constantly smack their heads into the window.

When traveling, continue to despise Mel Gibson.

what's that smell?

2006-08-08T21:27:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong. I'm so far to the left of the political spectrum that I can't wear white shirts. My heart bleeds through. Sometimes, for fun, I run up and down the street screaming TAX AND SPEND! TAX AND SPEND!

But this Connecticut thing - Senator Leiberman vs. Lamont - has gotten out of control. I used to read several "lefty" blogs daily - daily kos, Americablog - but no more. The blogs want to claim a win for Lamont SO badly, they want to prove the worth and the strength of the "netroots" SO badly that their reporting has done something horrible.

Their blogs began to bore the shit out of me. If you were to limit your reading to those blogs - God forbid - you'd think Lieberman was a bumbling Republican candidate, who stands for everything unAmerican and whose volunteers are nothing but paid mercenaries. He has no supporters - he has to pay everyone off, and oh, also, he's responsible for gas prices rising, the Iran-Contra Affair and Clay Aiken being gay.

So, I'm done with those blogs. Like any responsible American I'll make up my own mind and vote my own conscience. And I'll stay entertained with that delightful Cute Overload blog.

Look at that puppy!

They were next to the solar flashlight

2006-08-07T21:32:00.000-04:00

This is sad.

A Sex Pistols coaster set: Because you know how much Sid Vicious hated water rings next to the huge piles of heroin on his coffee table. I first spotted these for sale at Tower Records when I was in L.A.

Now, I'm not a huge fan of the Sex Pistols, never was, really. But it struck me that in order for me to see them - they had to pass through several levels, each more sad than the rest.

First, a coaster company had to think "wow! those kids today! so hard-core and concerned with etiquette ... hmmm ... I know! Sex Pistols Coasters!"

Then, I'm assuming someone from the Sex Pistols, or their representatives, received the offer of money in exchange for the rights to produce and sell "Sex Pistols Coasters." Someone agreed.

Then, someone at Tower Records had to see these in a catalog and agree to buy a whole bunch to place on sale in their stores. Each person in this chain had to agree it was a good idea. I hope they were all paid very well.

something wicked this way ...

2006-08-03T21:25:00.000-04:00

One unintended, really really fun aspect of having your groceries delivered on the hottest day of the year ... DRY ICE!!!

DRY ICE!

DRY ICE!!

wooooooooooooooooOOOOO!!!!

s'hot

2006-08-02T19:19:00.000-04:00

It's hot here in the Nation's Capital. Not hot like that adorable new Superman Brandon Routh - hot like walking into a blast furnace every time you leave the house. Sweat is supposed to be your friend - it cools you down and prevents your body from bursting into flame while running around, but it's not so good when you're walking to work and, look, another shirt ruined.

To be frank, some things are fun when DC has temperatures higher than Stevie Nicks' age (temperatures over 110). It's actually a bit refreshing to leave the air conditioning and walk into that heat - the power of nature is amazing. Of course, after walking for about twenty seconds in the heat, that power becomes a pain in the ass.

You see all sorts of people out in the heat. Mostly lowly commuters like myself that find themselves trapped. They're OK people, but don't touch them, they're sweaty.

Then there are people that sit in Dupont Circle, in the heat, just for fun (not homeless). Locally, they're known as ... "Idiots." Try to remember that one.

There are those that are in air conditioned cars, and decide to make a left turn as quick as possible at the corner, even if it means cutting off pedestrians caught in the heat and caught in the traffic. Locally, they're known as ... "assholes." Most of the time, you can also call them "Virginians," but that isn't always true.

There's also a cadre of messengers, police and others traveling on a bike for their livelihood. There's a special place in heaven for them, and it includes iced drinks.

Then. Naturally. The Runners. Those that value fitness above all - and can be seen traveling at great speeds, in the outdoors, when it is 98 degrees outside, sweat pouring off their bodies. Locally, they're known as "heart attack victims."

That ambulance better not make a quick left turn.

Four Legs Good, This Movie Bad

2006-08-01T20:50:00.000-04:00

This is the worst remake of Animal Farm I've ever seen.

so that's why metro is crowded ...

2006-07-31T22:07:00.000-04:00

Washington Post:

The U.S. Census Bureau acknowledged yesterday that it had underestimated the number of people living in Washington and revised its data to reflect the largest increase in the city's population since 1950.

The decision ... immediately adds more than 31,000 people to Washington's official population, increasing it to 582,049.

The addition of 31,528 people "makes up for all the losses of the 1990s and is equivalent to the loss in the 1980s as well."

When the 2000 census information began to come out, everyone was quick to notice that DC's population was still declining - almost forty years after the riots, more than 50 years after the beginning of the decline. So, I expect to see retractions from each of them.

DC is a vital city and - who knew - it has enormous potential for growth.

The revision marks the most significant increase in the city's population since it peaked in 1950 at 802,178.

Frankly, I can't imagine more than 200,000 more people in DC, but it's good to know it's possible. Good thing Metro is debuting those new "open seating plan" cars (in funky retro colors, no less).

Sorry, I got nothing.

2006-07-26T21:27:00.000-04:00

These are funny ...

Radar Love

2006-07-25T18:53:00.000-04:00

It's easy to become addicted to radar when you live in Washington, DC.

It's a beautiful day and, ooh, look, there are tiny birds singing in the golden trees under the bright smiling sun.

Then, suddenly, the black cloud of death appears on the horizon and thunder makes love to lightening, resulting in thousands of hail babies.

As Wikipedia explains, RADAR was invented by Gary Burghoff, who played Radar on the long-running television show M*A*S*H (Please note M*A*S*H's use of the * long before N*Sync).

Anyway, radar works by combining the opinions of hundreds of thousands of observers on the ground who constantly call the weather service and say "ooh, blue." or "argh! red!" Then the weather service creates a map with those colors. The observers are known as Doppler Effects.

Also, for some reason, Wikipedia mentions that "Al Franken is SATAN Al Franken is SATAN Al Franken is SATAN," but I still haven't figured out how that applies to radar, unless Franken is a doppler effect.

For fun radar, that loops and such, try this website. First look up your city's weather forecast, and then click on the radar picture on the lower right hand side of the page. Fun for sure!

BUG!

2006-07-24T21:27:00.000-04:00

uhhghhhhh... uggg! Bug!

Bugs remind me of Dick Cheney. I like to read about what they do and problems they cause, and even what to do to stop them, but I don't like meeting them in person.

But, like Dick Cheney, they'll survive a nuclear holocaust, so you better get used to them.

The well titled website "Whats That Bug?" will do just that. They identify all sorts of bugs from pictures people send in.

I've placed a picture of a Anisocelis flavolineata here, but he prefers to be called Flavo for short. You wont be seeing Flavo next to your old Christmas decorations in the basement unless you store your Christmas decorations in Panama.

Want more information? Try BugGuide.net, which will give you much more information. A fairly regular visitor to my fine home is the common (in the best sense of the word) House Centipede.

I hate these things - they burst out from seemingly nowhere and they run like the wind! But Bug Guide can relieve you of bug-phobia. House Centipedes aren't so scary when you know their formal name is Scutigera Coleoptrata.I'm going to call the next one I see little "Coleo." Like,

"Oh, little Coleo, why did you just scare the shit out of me?" and

"Oh, little Coleo, I'm sorry I smooshed you with a New Yorker, but I have company coming over."

Maybe I should hold off on all the killing; BugGuide serves up the straight dope on these little assassins:

Predatory on other arthropods, including cockroach nymphs, flies, moths, bedbugs, crickets, silverfish, earwigs, and small spiders. In short, they'll eat many things you'd probably much rather not have in your home.

Way to go little Coleo, you can stay. Dick Cheney on the other hand ...

guhbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2006-07-22T10:48:00.000-04:00

New Air Conditioner!

mmmmmmmmmmm....

*teeth chatter*

... and don't call me Shirley

2006-07-21T20:06:00.000-04:00

There are some things that can't be refuted.

Taxes are going to go up.

Prices are going to go up.

and the 'Airplane' (Airplane and Airplane II: The Sequel) movies are some of the funniest movies on the planet. My sister brought this up while I was visiting her in Los Angeles this past week, and she's absolutely correct. She saw the first movie and was amazed at the number of jokes per square inch of film.

Quite frankly, if you don't think the Airplane movies are some of the funniest movies of all time, I'm sure we'll never get along. You can keep your 'American Cooter Pie" and "What About the Spooge on Mary?" and "Napoleon Annoyingmite." I'll keep Airplane.

If you have a chance to see either movie, do yourself a favor and see it unedited. The network and even basic cable versions cut out waaaaay too many dirty jokes. And when it comes down to it, isn't that what's truly important in life?

My TiVo recorded Airplane II: The Sequel (it knows me too well), and I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Thank you IMDB for the quotes:

Striker: Quick, you must get everybody into the lounge.
Testa: But we don't have a lounge...
Striker: That's not important right now.

Mr. Hammen: And how about the time we hopped in the family car and drove all the way to Woodstock?
Mrs. Hammen: Oh, that was a time. You got hold of that bad acid and didn't come down for two weeks, you kept telling everyone that you were Jesus Christ and then you jumped off a roof 'cause you thought you could fly!
Mr. Hammen: What a bummer.
Mrs. Hammen: No shit.

Controller #3: Get me Steve McCroskey!
Controller #2: Are you kidding? Ever since Reagan fired the air traffic controllers, he's been completely senile!
Controller #3: Yeah, but what about McCroskey?
Controller #2: About the same as Reagan.

It's much better if you can hear the quotes. Hear them here.

It's even better if you watch the movie. Buy it here.

To the people across the alley from my window ...

2006-05-27T00:22:00.000-04:00

You spent over 800,000 on your row house, and it was empty for over 8 months while the entire inside was gutted and redone. You were going to have a beautiful house inside and out.

Then you sent men over today and you had them PAINT OVER THE NATURAL BRICK. In the process you've covered beautiful multicolored brick and brought out every flaw in the wall.

Is this just a primer? What lies in store for me? Pink? Purple? A mauve?

You suck you suck you suck you suck.

you suck.

Lights, Camera ...

2006-05-21T20:36:00.000-04:00

The webpage for The CW has gone live. The CW is the recent merger of networks UPN and the WB. Whee!

Separate they were ... well ... not so good.

Once combined, I realize I'll be watching at least four shows regularly: Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls on Tuesday, Everybody Hates Chris and Girlfriends (yes, GIRLFRIENDS, which, by the way, is heading into its seventh year) on Mondays.

Try and tell me that Tuesdays don't contain well over the daily recommended doses of sexy female (that's Kristen Bell of Veronica Mars on the right).

I can't name another broadcast network that will have me following four series at the outset of their season. Whether that should scare me, or make me happy ... I'm not quite sure.

Here's looking forward to the new season - and, please GOD - a name change.

And he could speaka the english!

2006-05-14T16:04:00.000-04:00

CNN deceided to ask people about Bush v. Clinton:

The poll of 1,021 adult Americans was conducted May 5-7 ...
Respondents favored Clinton by greater than 2-to-1 margins when asked who did a better job at handling the economy (63 percent Clinton, 26 percent Bush) and solving the problems of ordinary Americans (62 percent Clinton, 25 percent Bush).
On foreign affairs, the margin was 56 percent to 32 percent in Clinton's favor; on taxes, it was 51 percent to 35 percent for Clinton; and on handling natural disasters, it was 51 percent to 30 percent, also favoring Clinton.
Moreover, 59 percent said Bush has done more to divide the country, while only 27 percent said Clinton had.
When asked which man was more honest as president, poll respondents were more evenly divided, with the numbers -- 46 percent Clinton to 41 percent Bush -- falling within the poll's margin of error. The same was true for a question on handling national security: 46 percent said Clinton performed better; 42 percent picked Bush.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *ahem* ha ha. *AHEM*

All we need is film of Bush saying "I did not wiretap those people ... Ms. American people..."

puhwwwweeese?

2006-05-12T21:28:00.000-04:00

Mister President Bush:

Could you please respect us kitty's civil rights? Not keep track of our phone records?

Please stop using the idea of us gay kitties ruining marriage as a tactic to get conservative voters to the polls.

Please work for a fair solution for all the illegal kitties that are in the United States.

You seem to only be giving big kitty meow-mix refunds to the kitties that have the most meow-mix to begin with. How about some meow-mix for those kitties that go without? And some Pounce? We love Pounce.

Please keep an eye on the environment. We want clean litter boxes for our kittens and only one head on our mice.

Please listen to kitties that don't agree with you. I don't care for that strutting calico across the street, but I let her sniff at my butt.

Remember and help all the kitties in New Orleans.

Remember and help all the kitties in Iraq. Both the American kitties and the Iraqi kitties.

Remember and help all the kitties in Afghanistan.

Remember and help all the other kitties here at home that may not get enough meow-mix, attention or brushing. They need your help most of all.

It's time to meow with the kitties in Iran and North Korea, don't just smack at their heads with your paws. Sometimes when you sing a kitty song together you'll notice that you are in the same key after all.

Meow.

[picture from Cute Overload - sorry to use one of your pictures in a political way, couldn't resist.]

NoooooooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOoooO!!!!

2006-05-11T23:04:00.000-04:00

From Eugene Robinson's (very good) op-ed "An Easy Call: Lying": (Washington Post)

You'll recall that when it was revealed last year that the NSA was eavesdropping on phone calls and reading e-mails without first going to court for a warrant, the president said his "terrorist surveillance program" targeted international communications in which at least one party was overseas, and then only when at least one party was suspected of some terrorist involvement. Thus no one but terrorists had anything to worry about.
Not remotely true, it turns out, unless tens of millions of Americans are members of al-Qaeda sleeper cells -- evildoers who cleverly disguise their relentless plotting as sales calls, gossip sessions and votes for Elliott on "American Idol." (One implication, by the way, is that the NSA is able to know who got voted off "Idol" before Ryan Seacrest does.)

NOW will more people get pissed off??! Please?!

On a side note, now that Bush's approval ratings are below 30%, any chance he'll wipe that fucking smirk off his face?

My bitch dental hygenist gave me a fat lip.

2006-05-05T20:55:00.000-04:00

When, exactly, do dental hygienists lose their souls?

Is there a class they are forced to attend in school? SoulSucking 101?

Know why there's no sitcoms about dental hygienists? Cuz they have no souls. (are you listening?)

After a regrettable absence, I decided to return to the dental fold. After jumping through some insurance hoops, I got an appointment. After such a long absence I was prepared for the worst ("Sorry, son, those will all have to come out. We'll replace them with these white lego bricks!")

The first three (three!) appointments were not bad at all. A quick check up and two tooth repairs. The office is a big believer in novocaine, and now, so am I. All those appointments were handled by dentists. Dentists are nice. Dentists don't eat babies.

Then. Today.

If your dentist ever recommends a "root planing/scaling," run. Run far! Run fast! Run like the wind! I thought it wouldn't be a problem - I received magic novocaine ( I should buy stock in a novocaine factory). The doctor administrated the shots, so that part of the visit was very good. They allow dentists to keep their souls. Souls and student loans.

Hygienists, no.

Funny fact. The word Hygienist is from the greek language and breaks up to "Hygien," which means person, and "ist," which means who wants to put you into a lot of pain and see you suffer while enjoying it and getting paid to do so - also you will have to act all nice to them when they are done lest they work on you again, remember your snippy attitude and cut your gums open with a box cutter. Those crazy Greeks.

Even with the blessed novocaine, root planings are painful. The bestest surprise came after the numbness wore off -half my lip is all swollen! I wouldn't be surprised if the hygienist punched me when I wasn't paying attention - you know, when I was balled up in pain in the chair going "UMPHGH ...UMPHGH." It's also possible she slipped me herpes. I didn't see an autoclave there.

But it's not even the procedure itself. It's the attitude while it's being done. Here's a clue: If you want me to turn my head, ask me! Don't just yank on my chin. It's similar to me asking you to please move so I can get by. You'll notice I don't just kick your ass down the escalator.

When you "accidentally" squirt my face with water, apologize. After all, it is your fault.

Man, I hope that was water.

While grinding a sharp metal hook against my gums, ripping open blood vessels, please don't talk about how I'll probably have to go to a gum specialist. Unless it's Dr. Juicy Fruit, I'm not interested.

Stop throwing my periodontal disease in my face. It's already in my face - lodged in my mouth.

Finally, when I tell you I brush and floss twice a day, don't give me that "yeah, right" look. Fact is, I DO brush and floss twice a day, no matter how your face contorts into a mask of disbelief. Give me advice I can use, a toothbrush with sparkly things in the handle and a little tube of toothpaste. Then release me from your dark, cold grasp.

50% co-pay, for this?

UberTV

2006-03-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

There has been some press coverage of AOL's new In2TV service, but not as much as I had expected.

The AOL service - free to everyone, not just AOL users - features streaming episodes of past television shows free. The service is supported by short commercials - usually about 15 seconds long - that play several times during the episode.

My limited experience with the service has been good. There were a few initial set-backs: you need Windows Media Player 10 and it didn't work in my firefox browser, no matter what they say to the contrary or how many times I downloaded and installed the "Active X Firefox Plug-In." Once I started using Internet Explorer things worked correctly.

Episodes are available for streaming and also available in AOL's HiQ format which downloads episodes to your computer at a resolution near dvd quality. (!)

After my early joy (They have V, y'all! The "V" series! And Alice! OOOHHH Eight is Enough! Wonder Woman!) I began to think about who this service was being geared toward. I couldn't see the available shows attracting much attention from the highly desirable 18-25 y.o. demographic.

No, this service is straight up Generation X's avenue. Welcome Back Kotter? V? Alice? Growing Pains? These shows are all touchstones of the slacker generation. There are some more recent offerings, Adventures of Briscoe County Jr., La Femme Nikita, etc, but even those shows wouldn't attract attention from a younger audience.

It's an interesting move by AOL (in partnership with Warner Brothers), especially when most media outlets are making many shows available for purchase. AOL has promised to add additional episodes and more shows in the future.

It's a smart move. Many of these shows haven't been seen on television for a long time and people have forgotten about them. Not every show of every series is available online; this service will spur dvd sales if it is popular enough and the dvd's are marketed correctly.

So take it for a spin. Isn't it time you caught up with Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Perfect Strangers? There are hundreds of episodes available right now.

EXCLUSIVE! Sopranos Premiere Photos

2006-03-10T19:10:00.000-05:00

MUST CREDIT APPRECIATE THE CHEESE

So, fancy-pants website TVgasm has 'exclusive' shots from The Sopranos season premiere. It airs this Sunday at 9pm on HBO, and from the upfront hype, sounds like the first episode is a doozy.

Never to be out done, AtheC has aquired these ULTRA exclusive photos from the season premiere. Hey, it pays to have a sister in L.A.

I hold no responsibility for giving away crucial plot-points. Proceed at your own risk.

"Next time get 500 thread count, jerk."

2006-03-09T19:25:00.000-05:00

Out of proportion pictures are funny!

From Cute Overload - the web log you're going to be glad I turned you on to! (does anyone use "web log" anymore?) Absolute cuteness, every day, delivered to your face.

See also: KittenWar!

WUHHHHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHHHH

2006-03-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

President Bush - reeling after a drop in his poll numbers and backlash from Congress regarding his shady Dubai port deal today announced his comprehensive port security plan.

Each port will feature huge scary floating holograms of his angry screaming head!

Sound Effect: WUHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHH WUHHHHHHH UHHHHHHHH.

[Photo from Talk Left]

Second line of defense: Hairy Lobsters! Waves and waves of hairy lobsters!

And bacteria and complaints.

2006-03-03T23:17:00.000-05:00

If you don't reguarly read Overheard in New York, please make sure you do from now on. Turns out nothing is funnier than what people say every day.

Sometimes I'll highlight some of my favorites here - entries that make me giggle at my desk. ("Carl, why is that spreadsheet so funny?")

Snuffy Ain't No Secret Anymore
Guy: We have to figure out a way to get rid of her bird.
Girl: I hate birds like that. They're full of secrets and dust.
Guy: And lice and opinions.

--13th & A

iPope

2006-03-03T22:23:00.000-05:00

A group of Vatican Radio employees gave Pope Benedict XVI a brand new iPod nano loaded with special Vatican Radio programming and classical music.

And Prince, I bet. He totally looks like a Prince guy.

Creamed

2006-03-02T22:13:00.000-05:00

I knew the "Abortion Test Case" was coming. Hard-core pro-lifers and people who enjoy having more unwanted children around couldn't wait for Alito to shuffle onto the Supreme Court so they could throw a test case into the machine and take it to the Supremes.

Then I heard something about it in passing. Nothing shocking. But ... South Dakota? SOUTH DAKOTA?! I always had a soft spot for South Dakota - sounds warmer than North Dakota, I thought - but the minute I turn my back - BANG - the South Dakota Legislature stabs me with a sharp law. *SQUOOSH* it went, right into my South-Dakota-Respect-Area.

This can not stand!

The Madison Wisconsin Women's Medical Fun is waaaaay ahead of me.

Now the Madison-based Women's Medical Fund is threatening a boycott of South Dakota tourism, a major source of income in that state ...

"All kinds of families visit Mount Rushmore every year. It's a favorite of Americans and foreign tourists. But we can do without Mount Rushmore, the Black Hills, the Badlands and the Corn Palace,"

OK, I was totally on board until I found out that South Dakota boasts about a place called the CORN PALACE. I can hardly digest it, but a lot of people have that problem.

Do they have direct flights from DC?

huh.

2006-03-02T22:06:00.000-05:00

CBS News:

President Bush dismissed on Tuesday a report put out by his administration warning that human activities are behind climate change that is having significant effects on the environment.

Washington Post:

The Antarctic ice sheet is losing as much as 36 cubic miles of ice a year in a trend that scientists link to global warming, according to a new paper that provides the first evidence that the sheet's total mass is shrinking significantly.
The new findings, which are being published today in the journal Science, suggest that global sea level could rise substantially over the next several centuries.

huh.

applause

2006-02-05T00:52:00.000-05:00

*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*
*clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap*
*strum* *strum* *strum* *strum*

*stomp* *swoosh* *stompstompstompstompstompclickclickclickclickclickclickstompSTOMP*

*stomp* *stomp*

Did ya READ the TICKET?

2006-02-02T23:14:00.000-05:00

At times my job is trying.

I'm promoting a Flamenco Festival at the moment. Most of the events are big dance or music productions featuring performers from Spain - it's an excellent time.

We also do some "extra" events - cheese (!) and ham tastings, book signings, and a dance class on the stage of the auditorium. I thought it would be fun to take a beginner's Flamenco dance class on the stage - looking out like the pros do.

The event is named "Flamenco Dance on Stage ... Starring YOU." The brochure copy is as follows:

After enjoying a taste of some of the best in Spanish wines and cheese, step up to Lisner’s stage for an informative and entertaining session of flamenco dancing basics taught by DC’s own Sara Jerez-Marlow. One of the most talked about events of last year’s festival, this event is sure to sell-out.

These are the comments I got from attendees:

"This is a CLASS? I thought it was an amateur show we watched."

"Isn't this a performance?"

"There's a reception? I thought the class started right away."

"We just watch, right?"

*sigh*

Fun with Limewire

2006-01-29T21:59:00.000-05:00

Photo Search
Keyword: Thanksgiving

Ghost Whisperer, Too.

2006-01-06T22:22:00.000-05:00

The religious right is complaining - gangbusters - about this show. They've gotten it pulled from two stations in the mid-west! The Book of Daniel is a look at the life of a holy-man and his family, which includes a promiscuous son and a gay son! Egads!

As a gay man, it's time for me to stand up and rally!

The religious right is totally correct!

OK, OK, not about the content in general, but about the *show*, it's horrible! Please don't make me watch anymore!

And you, YOU! Don't you watch either ... you'll simply encourage them.

Wool?

2006-01-06T21:43:00.000-05:00

Holy Cripes!

I totally shrunk that!

Advanced Technology my ass.

Embarrassment of Riches

2005-10-29T15:10:00.000-04:00

Turner Classic Movies is the gem of any cable line-up. No commercials - no editing - no pan-and-scan. Each movie is presented the way it was meant to be seen.

I have my TiVo set to be on the lookout for any movies directed by Alfred Hitchcock, and this past week it scored the mother-load. Some kind of festival must have been going on, because in the last five days, I've tivoed (and have yet to watch):

Dial M For Murder
Spellbound
Marnie
Vertigo
Rope
Notorious
Rebecca
Suspicion
Number Seventeen
Sabotage
The Lady Vanishes
Topaz
Shadow of a Doubt
Strangers on a Train
Bon Voyage
and Frenzy.

I've always loved the work of Hitchcock - but I have to admit that I've only seen his most popular movies: Psycho, Dial M for Murder, The Birds. This gives me a chance to catch up on the movies he's done that I never got around to renting and watching.

And it's fun! I already watched part of Spellbound, and it's just incredible. Ingrid Bergman and Gregory Peck are both at the height of their beauty - during the whole movie I simply wonder why they didn't get together and have baby after baby - can you imagine how attractive and talented those babies would have been?

Super babies!

Hitchcock's direction always stands out. It can seem cheesy at times (I don't need to see people drinking milk from the perspective of the person drinking milk) but it's original (even seems original today) and keeps you interested.

The music in his movies - while never exactly the same - always seems similar, with the sympathetic strings next to the foreboding brass section. Spellbound makes use of a theremin; who in their right mind uses a theremin? (except every cheesy horror movie)

So, if I don't blog for a couple of days, you'll know why.

We Interrupt This Broadcast: Roach!

2005-10-27T19:06:00.000-04:00

Not completely addicted to television.

Mary Roach, author of personal favorite Stiff, has a new book out, Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife. From what I've read so far, Roach continues in her easy, casual, yet entertaining and informative style and uses plenty of footnotes. Roach shoves so much info and whimsy into footnotes - you can tell that she simply can not leave this stuff out - she can only be called the Footnote Queen. And I love it.

Fiona Apple's oft-delayed and shelved album Extraordinary Machine has finally been released. Much of the album was leaked to the internet months ago, but the album has been almost completely re-produced, and it shows. Apple has an excellent grasp of the pounding beat - her piano playing sometimes acts as a rhythm section - and her lyrical sense has matured since When the Pawn ...

If you're in the Washington, DC area, Michael Crichton will be speaking live at GW Lisner Auditorium on November 6th. Don't go because he's sold millions of books. Don't go because he's co-creator of E.R. Don't go because he wrote Jurassic Park and the Andromeda Strain and don't go because he's got a new book out. Go because he's so damn good looking.

Static & Snow: Don't Beboop It

2005-10-26T22:53:00.000-04:00

A round-up of recent, outta-sight & immanently bloggable television news:

The Washington Post adds video podcasts to their ample online offerings. Any excuse for a casting couch.

You don't want to watch, but you can't turn away. Al Roker gets blown.

The Wall Street Journal scares the shit out of marketing managers everywhere with one simple sound. The dreaded TiVo, commercial-skipping "beboop."

77% of TiVo users who recorded a prime-time program to watch later skipped the commercials when they got around to watching it. More recently, David Poltrack, the research guru at Viacom Inc.'s CBS, found that 64% of DVR users skipped all commercials and an additional 26% blew through most spots.

Boil-on-the-face-of-television Kathy Griffin is auctioning off a night with herself and her new plastic body parts. No open flames.

Nielson ratings for the week ending 10/23 Two and a Half Men is the most popular comedy on television. Showers of frogs, loud trumpets, four big guys on horses to come.

Surprise, Surprise.

This month's issue of Radar magazine has an "expose" of one of reality television's "secrets": editors constructing fake situations out of real footage.

With interviews with five story producers or story editors, Andrew Goldman reports on rather familiar producer tricks, such as asking leading questions during interviews and getting casts drunk.

Thinking ... Thinking ...

2005-10-26T21:09:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the lack of posts, but I am working on a "What to Watch" guide. (Good idea, Rhodent!)

I'm having problems deciding on the format of the guide. I'd only list the best shows, but then what would I have to make fun of?

How many cable shows should I include, if any? It's also hard to keep track of what is still on the air - and hasn't been cancelled.

If you have any preferences, let me know.

Until then, enjoy these (fake) FOX News screencaps from the (far) past.

Fridays with Lisa - 10/21/05

2005-10-21T14:05:00.000-04:00

Yet another foray into the chat and mind of Post TV Columnist Lisa de Moraes.

Here's her latest column.

Rockville, Md.: Hi Lisa. What happened to "My Wife and Kids?" Surely it didn't bite the dust before "According to Jim."

Lisa de Moraes: Alas, that is exactly what happened.

I had no idea that My Wife and Kids had been cancelled. I watched a few episodes last year and it seemed like a decent show - if not too derivitive of other shows on the air (then again, what show isn't?).

So long My Wife ... we hardly knew ye. Or, rather, not enough people knew you on a regular basis.

Ballston, Va.: I know you favor Lost on Wednesday at 9:00, but please tell me you at least TiVo Veronica Mars so I won't think you're a total ditz who is completely udeserving of her job.

Lisa de Moraes: Notwithstanding the fact that I am a total ditz who is completely undeserving of her job, I watch Veronica Mars which, I'm happy to note, is having a pretty good season, ratingswise (with apologies to non-numbers chatter).

Excellent. I've only just gotten into Veronica Mars this season despite the fact that I saw an episode last season and liked it a lot. I had trouble remembering when it was on. I still don't know when it's on, but it shows up on my TiVo once a week.

I never got into 'Lost'. I don't have the time to get hooked on another show at the moment.

Gaithersburg, Md.: I'm so happy! Tuesday has stayed my fave night of TV! I was scared after "Judging Amy" was cancelled, but now ... I have my "Gilmore Girls" at 8, and then I flip on over to my new fave, "Commander in Chief" at 9. That's finished by watching "Great Chefs of the World" on Discovery Home at 10! FANTASTIC!
Lisa de Moraes: I! Am! So! Happy! For! You!!! But, no House? No Earl? Tuesday has become a really hot night of TV.

For the record - even though I watch Gilmore Girls and Commander in Chief, I did not submit this question. I don't even have the Discovery Home channel. (There's a Discovery Home channel?!) Also, Judging Amy? *makes sticking-finger-down-throat-heavie sound*

Still not into My Name is Earl

Philadelphia, Pa.: The ABC affiliate in Philadelphia repeatedly displays advertisement banners for the upcoming local news on the bottom of the screen during network programs, even covering over subtitles during ALIAS last season. ...

Lisa de Moraes: Yes, contact one of the people who cover television in Philly and hope that they will write about it and embarass the station into changing it. ...

I'm sure this will be a post on its own eventually. Stations - especially cable stations - are going way over the line with promotions during shows. Oxygen's promotions during shows cover almost half the screen.

And why does FOX have to plug reruns of The Simpsons during reruns of The Simpsons?! I'm already watching the damn show - your promotion worked - now knock it off!

On that angry note, another tasty chat with a creamy filled center is finished. Thanks, Lisa!

The WB: Imitation is the sincerest form of ratings

2005-10-20T12:47:00.000-04:00

Today's TV Column concerned almost exclusively the creative juggernaut that is Ashton Kutcher. I haven't seen anything or anyone so overrated since thalidomide in the 60's. That being said, I don't wish flippers on his soon-to-be-born baby.

The interesting part of the article comes at the end - as de Moraes dissects the latest schedule swappin' at the WB network.

In a nutshell, WB is pulling expensive original programming out of the way of ABC's "Lost" on Wednesday and ABC's "Desperate Housewives" on Sunday, and filling those hours with repeats.

All told, WB will have 3 1/2 hours of repeat programming on its 13 hours of prime time.

I've never considered the WB a real network (sorry WB brand marketers), and unless they change course dramatically, I never will.

But it may be to their benefit never to become a 'real' network. The WB does have a knack for finding niche audiences for its hour-long dramas (WB comedies are about as funny as clubbing baby seals.)

Does anyone think that '7th Heaven' would have survived anywhere but on the WB? 'Buffy' would have been cancelled after one season if she had arrived on NBC. (I know, I know, the WB ended up cancelling it anyway and Buffy moved to UPN.)

'The Gilmore Girls' has done an excellent job of grabbing onto that young girl/older women/gay men/straight guys who won't admit it audience. If I'm not mistaken, GG's ratings last year were higher than ever - and that was with a major shift in story-line, what with Rory going off to Yale (Yes, I know the story-line, stop giggling).

'Charmed,' 'Smallville,' the shows the WB has established are impressive. Their success in getting people to watch Rose McGowan on a regular basis is reason enough for celebration.

It's time for the WB to jump out of the 'network' system and think originally and freely for the first time. To take television in a whole new direction by copying HBO.

Think about it. I'm surprised we haven't seen a regular network adopt more of HBO's policies already. Let the WB concentrate on a few great shows per year. Stop picking up this comedy schlock (and I'm convinced they know it's crap before it goes on the air) and hold out for something great that will attract that large audience that they need.

The catch is that no one in their right mind is going to pay premium prices for the WB like they do for HBO. The WB can't ditch all their advertising. But how much money are they really making with the advertising during 'What I Like About You?' That show is in its fourth season and I've never even heard of it. Does it have a purpose besides giving Dan Cortese money for strippers?

The WB could curate excellent programming, have it premier all through the year, and make up the loss of quantity by investing in quality. The network would get a boatload of press just for announcing the change.

Could you imagine the reaction when the official fall season line-up announcement consists of four shows premiering in September, two in January, three in April and two in June?

It's time for a change WB. Getting rid of the frog was a good start; now take it further. Chant with me, change is good ... change is good.

But cancel Gilmore Girls and I'll take a shrimp fork to your face.

I'm being forced to watch 'Freddie'

2005-10-19T09:43:00.000-04:00

From the TV Column:

"Freddie." More than 9 million watched Freddie Prinze Jr.'s new sitcom open Tuesday -- the most-watched series in its half-hour. Better yet, ABC reported that it scored its biggest sitcom premiere rating in two years with young viewers.

Egads. Now I have to watch this show and see what the big deal is.

I'm sure it's craptastic.

'Out of Practice' needs nudity

2005-10-18T17:13:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of reasons to watch a television show. Shows become popular through good writing, direction and excellent acting. Of course, that doesn't explain why 'Yes, Dear' is in its third season (or is it fourth? It's too depressing to think about).

Many shows are educational. Learning something new or experiencing another culture are excellent reasons to watch a television show.

Other shows are nostalgic - they remind you of past events in your life or other times and places.

'Out of Practice' doesn't really fit into any of the above categories. The cast is worth noting, including television heavyweights Stockard Channing and Henry Winkler. For chrissake, the Fonz is on this show!

The writing hasn't quite caught up to the talent of the cast. Well, I suppose it's caught up to co-star Paula Marshall. Marshall is a TV kiss of death, having appeared on 'Wild Oats,' 'Chicago Sons,' 'Cupid,' 'Snoops,' 'Cursed,' and 'Hidden Hills' since 1994. At least she's working.

The actors are doing the best with what they are given. The writing is too "bit"ish. (no, not British). They try too hard to make each line a little comic performance. Just give me half-way decent funny dialogue.

An example - the Fonz is talking about his son's new apartment:

Fonzie: "You guys, have you seen the bathroom? There is a floor to ceiling window with one way glass, you get this fantastic view but total privacy."

Son: "Yeah, they're coming to tint that tomorrow."

Fonzie: "Is there a back way out of here?"

*trumpet WAHH WAHH*
Ick.

And yet, my TiVo is set to record every episode of Out of Practice. Whatever for?

Eye Candy.

I'd like to think my addiction is more subtle than the hoards of 'Baywatch' devotees, but I have to admit that Christopher Gorham (left side of top photo, blue sweater) is the cutest thing since sliced bread. And, as we all know, sliced bread is freakin adorable.

Chris and I go way back - all the way to 1999 when he starred in the severely underappreciated show Popular.

Out of Practice needs good ratings, and fast. From Variety.com:

CBS is also giving some encouragement to laffer "Out of Practice" and drama "Threshold," ordering three additional scripts of the series but waiting to see some more ratings data before ordering more episodes.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but I think it would be totally believable if Christopher's character had scenes fresh out of the shower ... or pool! They could have a pool.

Also, they could include a scene where everyone's clothes fly off. They could easily explain it by adding a genie to the cast.

Genies get ratings, right?

'Desperate Housewives' is just as good this season so stop your whining.

2005-10-17T20:11:00.000-04:00

UPDATE (10/18): LA Times and Defamer disagree with me. I still think the show is great fun. Plus, I heard Defamer calling your mom fat.

There's been some grumbling on the internets about the current state of Desperate Housewives - that ever since the main mystery was solved at the end of last season the show has lost its edge.

Housewives is one of the only shows on TV (I can count them on one hand) that makes me laugh out loud on a regular basis.

This past Sunday, besides the Bree/creepy-guy-who-likes-her (George - seen above putting salt on his watermelon)/Bree's son (Andrew) triangle plotline, Gabrielle caused a prison riot. Bree ended up shipping Andrew off to mental reconstruction camp, or some such thing. (count yourself lucky, I could have used the camp / concentration joke).

I'm convinced George is crazy. Who puts salt on their watermelon? Is that a Southern thing? I have heard it's done all the time, but I'm convinced only in asylums.

This season lacks scenes with all four main characters chatting; those hilarious kitchen conversations that turned me on to the show in the first place. This Sunday we got one with three of the main characters and it was quite welcome. ("Thank God you were wearing flats.")

The show does seem to be veering a bit towards Melrose Place territory (Marcia Cross and Doug Savant - both ex-Melrosies - must be putting something in the water), but until I see Bree whipping off a wig to reveal a big-ass lobotomy scar I'm sticking with the girls.

Desperate Housewives can be directly compared to The Golden Girls. Anything can be compared to The Golden Girls if you try hard enough.

Susan is Rose (a little naive but good at heart), Lynette is Sophia (always quick with wit and concentrated on family), Bree is Dorothy (constantly in control is a crisis) and Gabrielle is Blanche (a slut). It's no mere coincidence that Marc Cherry, who created Desperate Housewives, started his career on The Golden Girls.

Stick with the formula, Cherry. Stray and you'll end up with Desperate Palace.

'Medium' made me claw my eyes out

2005-10-15T21:48:00.000-04:00

From TV Squad's review of the 'Light Sleeper' review of 'Medium'

All in all, another great episode on what is the smartest depiction of family life anywhere on TV. Sure, your family isn't made up psychics and rocket scientists, but everything else is real, and really compelling.

What a bunch of crap. I have to admit, I like Medium, I even have Tivi record it for me every week, but this week turned me off big time.

The show concerns a psychic woman, her job with the District Attorney catching criminals and her family life at home with her (incredibly understandable) husband, three (incredibly blond) children and her (incredibly angular) face.

Allison (that's her name on the show, like the drunk on Melrose Place) sees into the future, or the past or the present when she dreams at night, or when she touches people. It's kind of like The Dead Zone, only with more frustrated spouses.

Last week's episode had Allison sleep-walking all over the place, including into traffic and to the bank (the bank ended up being more dangerous, those early withdrawl fees will kill ya!). Her husband took her to see a doctor for the sleepwalking spells, as they weren't her typical wake-up-screaming nightmares. He'd rather she just become mentally unstable, not walk.

Then I threw things at the TV. The doctor, who saw her for two minutes on-screen, said "We don't know what causes sleepwalking, could be anxiety. Oh, here's a medication - take this at night and you won't sleepwalk". When Allison protests, he tells her not to worry, because it's the drug all her neighbors are taking. Then he hands her a full bottle of pills.

HooBoy.

Has ANYONE on that writing team been to the doctor in the last 10 or 15 years? I'm surprised that the doctor didn't come to her house with a black bag and give her a colonic for wandering uterus.

Any doctor today, after finding out that Allison was sleepwalking in traffic, would have sent her to a sleep clinic faster than you can say four-point-restraint. And has any doctor you've been to ever given you a full bottle of pills in the examining room?

I know that a TV show can't show Allison waiting in line at CVS to fill her prescription, but let's go for a little reality.

I know, I know. This is a show that assumes we believe that this woman sees into the future, works as a medium for the District Attorney, and has a sex life. So why am I making a big stink of this doctor visit?

The doctor's visit broke the reality. Writers have to remember that anytime something pedestrian comes up that breaks the reality of a show, it ruins the whole episode. And it did.

Medium made me claw my eyes out.

Fridays With Lisa - 10/14/05

2005-10-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you know Lisa De Moraes and read her column regularly. No? Well, I'm embarrassed for both of us.

Lisa writes a column dedicated to television for The Washington Post. It could also be summed up as "Carl's Dream Job." Lisa doesn't have to worry with reviews or previews, she can go straight to the snark, the gossip, the ratings and the breaking news.

She does a live online chat at washingtonpost.com every Friday at 1pm. There are at least one or two comments that come out of that chat that are worth talking about, so I'm thinking this will be a regular feature. We'll see.

Check back a bit later today for can't miss, funnier than that time your auntie shot milk out her nose entertainment. Chat is at 1pm - I'll have more of a post after that. Here's her latest article.

From the Chat:

Lisa de Moraes: ... Meanwhile, re the whole female TV president thing: among certain members of The Reporters Who Cover Television, there's some speculation that, with Steven Bochco now running the show, the president on "Commander in Chief" won't be female by the February sweeps. They wisely reason that it will not happen until February so that during the November sweep Bochco will be able to do one of his trademark envelope-pushing episodes (think "NYPD Blue") -- and their money is on one called "The President's Breasts are Missing!"

Steven Bochco, creator of such gems as Cop Rock, Hooperman, Philly and Blind Justice (oh, ok, and NYPD Blue) has taken over creative control at Commander in Chief.

But removing the whole woman as president aspect? The show will become West Wing with cheaper sets. Make no mistake about it, Geena Davis and her pouty pontoon lips are holding this show afloat.

Madison, Wisc.: Using the formula of crappiness times longevity, what is the worst show of all time? I can't think of anything that beats Full House, but your knowledge of TV infamy should be able to unearth something better/worse ...
Lisa de Moraes: I'm thinking anything by Miller/Boyett (sp?) -- the folks who did "Full House" is way up there on the list, but my personal fave is "Wings."

Frankly I think That 70's Show is giving Full House a run for it's money. Every time someone mentions that show I have to ask ... "It's still ON?"

Washington, D.C.: Any good reunion TV movies coming out this fall?

Lisa de Moraes: If there's a god in heaven that trend is over....

Don't You Believe It.

Next: 'Medium' made me claw my eyes out.

Cheese Change

2005-10-12T22:11:00.000-04:00

I'm changing cheese.

That's not completely true. I don't think you can ever really change cheese. You can't change, say, a Gouda, to a Cheddar. I wish you could - entertaining would be so much easier!

I'm changing the focus of AtheC. That's not true either - boy am I a freakin liar tonight (that is, however, the best type of liar there is). You can't change a focus that never was. I'm narrowing the focus of AtheC. I'm narrowing the focus to television.

I can hear the cries of "TiVo addict!" from here, honestly I can, and someone needs a lozenge. TiVo is a part of it, but I've always been a bit more enamored of the flicker box than your normal Joe. Or your normal Jane, or your slightly abnormal Edgar.

This idea came to me in the last few weeks when I realized that:

1. Hey, I'm not blogging anymore.
2. Hey, all the television blogs out there kinda suck.
3. Is that a sale at J.C. Penny's?! I need sheets!

I don't have a lot of things against the current major television blogs, but I don't have anything for them either. I've been following Lost Remote, PVR Wire, Reality Blurred, TeeVee, TV Barn & TV Squad. All of them have their high points - but none of them are spectacular, or what I'm aiming to do. I have to blog what I love, and I love TV.

While not setting too many constraints for myself, I'd like this blog to be a bit less on the "episode recap" side and more on the "What does this mean?" or "Who do they think they're kidding?" (How many times have you screamed that at the screen? Perhaps that's why you need a lozenge.)

Anyway, I hope you'll stick with me through the change, it's going to be fun. Now, to scare you away, and to give you a taste of my taste, here's a list of the currently running shows my TiVo is commanded (commanded!) to record every week.

Desperate Housewives - it's nice up here on the bandwagon, it's like a hayride.
Veronica Mars - just to give me cred with the "hip" kids
Medium - but you knew I was going to list this.
Commander in Chief - even better after they deflated her lips
Everybody Hates Chris - so far, so good.
Out of Practice - a whole post in itself, don't judge me too harshly on this one.
Nightline - just to give me cred with the "hip" adults
Arrested Development - being a heartbeat away from cancellation makes it exciting.
Gilmore Girls - a perennial favorite, like tulips, or Christmas cookies.
Rome - English accents make Italy more realistic!

Come back soon.

Smells like Bacon

2005-10-11T14:35:00.000-04:00

Do you smell that?

*sniff*

That's change in the air.

Tivi!

2005-09-14T21:11:00.000-04:00

New addictions are always fun.

I've been bitten by the TiVo bug. The bite is painless, but watch your wallet.

Actually, it was quite a deal. Because of the $150 rebate that TiVo is offering, a 140-hour recorder cost me 50 dollars. There's a monthly charge, but I worked that out. I simply cancelled my NetFlix account before I signed up for TiVo. Now I'm actually saving 8 bucks a month.

I set it up yesterday, and so far so good, but it takes some getting used to. I still forget to pause TV when I go to the bathroom, so I'm in the middle of peeing before I remember I can pause live TV.

I'm sure I'll be writing more about TiVo, but one bonus I've found is that you actually can see videos on Mtv. Mtv really does play videos, but only between 3am and 6am. So, just set little tivi to record those hours and you can see what videos Mtv still plays. ~~Not bad stuff actually.~~

Edit: I just finished watching the three hours of Mtv. It was mostly fast forwarding through commercials. Here's what pissed me off. They have three hours a DAY to fill with videos and they REPEATED SIX VIDEOS. You only have three hours and you can't find original material for the whole thing?! C'mon!

VERY lame.

Variations on a theme

2005-09-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

Stuff on Cats!

...

Ixnay

2005-09-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

This seems like a good day for it. Here's my list of events and people that should never be used in public for comparison to something that has happened recently. Using them makes you look like an ass.

1. Hitler
2. the Holocaust
3. D-Day
4. Hiroshima
5. Pearl Harbor
(you know what? Avoid WWII altogether)
6. 9/11
7. Rosa Parks (this one is commonly abused)
8. the death of Kurt Cobain
9. the death of Princess Diana
10. the death of JFK
11. Vietnam

What have I forgotten?

shame.

2005-09-10T17:10:00.000-04:00

Aftermath

2005-09-06T19:56:00.000-04:00

I was avoiding doing a post on Hurricane Katrina. I've read so many blog entries and news stories and seen so much on the television about the storm and the aftermath. I'm not trying to diminish the enormity of this storm - but after awhile the coverage becomes overwhelming.

Sometimes you have to change the channel, watch a cartoon, and relax for a moment. I think it's only human. I recommend Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.

But I felt the need to write this post because I realized over the past few days, after reading countless entries on the hurricane, that two of the most original and interesting points came not from the huge commercial or political blogs, but from two personal ones.

I would say it reflects my good taste in blogs, but I think it's a better indication of their writing and critical thinking.

Rhodent! has an excellent post on hurricanes. She includes personal information and experiences not just about this hurricane, but about all hurricanes and the readiness of people, communities, cities, counties, and the nation.

Here's one excellent point:

Many people get worked up over the presidential elections. Perhaps they should pay as much attention to their local elections. Local governments need to take more initiative for mitigation and preparation. They need to change some of their stupid policies about building codes and zoning. And the citizens of their communities need to take a stand and make their elected officials accountable for these issues.

I haven't seen this talked about anywhere else, and she's absolutely correct. I urge you to read the whole post.

The other blog that caught my eye - as it usually does - is Happy and Blue 2. Happy's always got something interesting to say, but his recent post about the hurricane was excellent.

The United States of America is the most powerful nation in the entire world. It can and does spend billions of dollars annually on the Gulf War. Over $400 billion annually is allocated to your defense department. You leveled an entire country in a matter of weeks. An entire country..

But when its own citizens need something as simple as buses to get them out of a dangerous area and into safety it asks for donations. And it takes forever to send help.

It made me wonder. Why is it that the U.S. spends billions weekly on the war but when we face a natural disaster, the citizens are asked to donate money. Naturally, Americans are ready to donate money, who couldn't after seeing some of the coverage from New Orleans or Biloxi.

But wouldn't it make more sense for the WAR to be fully funded by donations, and the hurricane relief to be fully funded by the government? All Americans believe that we should help out the people of the Gulf Coast. Not everyone (most people?) don't agree with the current situation in Iraq.

It reminds me of that old saying (which was always on doors of teachers in High School): "What if schools had all the money they needed and the Pentagon had to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber?"

The lame never ends

2005-09-03T21:36:00.000-04:00

Today's posts ... and kinda-related comments from me.

I'm up to 101 feeds on bloglines.
You know what the old wise men say... "101 Feeds. No Waiting."
Don't they?

Lame

2005-09-02T19:51:00.000-04:00

bloggity-blog posts for today.

and, some from yesterday...

Sorry for the lameness of the most recent posts - I think I'm going through a bit of a blog identity crisis...

Snip Snip

2005-08-31T19:48:00.000-04:00

Some of my favorite blog posts from today ...
(from my page on BlogLines.)

Only one thing today ...

2005-08-29T19:53:00.000-04:00

... Cats in Sinks!!

...

Addictive Lines

2005-08-28T10:56:00.000-04:00

Blogs.

You know you love them ... but there are so many!

It becomes quite difficult to remember to visit all of your favorite blogs and news and information sites every day. Enter Bloglines.

Bloglines is an online blog/news reader service. It organizes all the RSS (really simple syndication ... which never seemed that simple to me) feeds into one page. This way I just click the main "feeds" button and every blog I am interested in shows up on the right side of the screen. Bloglines only shows the new posts that I haven't read yet.

There are a few down sides to this. It becomes harder to leave comments (which can be half the fun anyway). You have to stop and visit the site to do so.

Some websites only give a summary feed, if you want to read the whole post you have to visit the website.

To be fair, bloglines makes it easy to visit the websites - you can click right from the post on bloglines to the post at the website. Yay!

You can even make your feeds public - and let the world know which feeds you are interested in.

Viola! My Feeds: http://www.bloglines.com/public/athec

Your Guide to distinguishing between an afternoon 'caster, a clothing master and some random woman walking faster.

2005-08-27T18:49:00.000-04:00

Sorry Jim, couldn't resist. Think of it as an homage.

Ann Taylor
(NPR newscaster)

Ann Taylor
(fashion powerhouse - who apparently has no photos on line. Does she even exist?)

Ann Taylor
(ugly shoe shill)

Every City Has Its Television Promotions

2005-08-24T20:21:00.000-04:00

I think of myself as pretty media-savvy, and most advertisements in public don't garner much attention from me. Good marketing, really good marketing, creates an "ah ha!" moment in your mind. You instantly connect different methods of advertising and everything comes together. I think this can be extremely useful advertising if it's done correctly.

In the past few days I've noticed the following "graffiti" on block corners:

It didn't register much in me at first, it's quite common to have left-wing political slogans spray painted on the sidewalk (honestly, they're preaching to the choir). This one was original only for its lack of an opinion. It didn't seem to mean anything.

Then, yesterday, in The New Yorker, I saw this ad:

And its oddly familiar tag line:

ah ha!

The marketing will endure through the first rain. The writing isn't permanent ink, and the first light rain will cause the red dye to run - mirroring HBO's "blood in the streets" theme. It's a nice touch.

I'm sure that this kind of advertising happens all the time in larger cities like New York or Los Angeles, but it's not often that this type of marketing reaches DC. I suppose HBO feels the power struggle / political story line will appeal to power-mad Capitol Hill worker bees. Whatever their reasoning, it's nice to see DC included in this sort of marketing plan.

And it works. I'm interested, and I'll be watching.

Update: Also appearing in Chicago.

Scratch!

2005-08-23T21:58:00.000-04:00

I love this.

Not quite sure why, but I do.

Hey, cheered me up.

Just one thing!

2005-08-23T21:17:00.000-04:00

One little thing can throw your whole night off.

I was ready to blog about a really interesting series of Altoids ads in The New Yorker that ran this week - so I got out my trusty digital camera and snapped some shots.

For the life of me I can't find the damn cable that transfers the damn pictures from the damn camera to the damn computer.

Damn!

First I looked in the red cabinet. A lot of the wires are in there - ipod wires and recharger with remote wires, along with some extra cable I got with a new VCR. No good.

Then I moved on to the plastic "junk" bin in the closet. This is where the wires in my life go to die. Old, old TV wires, old earbuds, a broken radio. Nada.

Now I'm getting desperate. I look in all the drawers - even the silverware drawer, the dresser (mixed up with clothes?) Near the dvd cases, the freezer (the freezer?). Nothing. *sigh*

So now I'm here talking about nothing - as usual. I swear, it was going to be a good post! Such a little thing, and it's driving me crazy!

I'll try to get them downloaded at work tomorrow, we have the same brand of camera there, and post it then.

Damn it!

Crossed Signals

2005-08-21T17:26:00.000-04:00

It is amazing that as much as everyone talks about the armed services, no one really knows much about their secret training. I've uncovered some top-secret commando hand signals that I'm happy to share with you here.

Who knew?

sigh.

2005-08-19T19:24:00.000-04:00

The latest article from Bill O'Reilly with my translations:

Thirty-five years ago this summer, the USA was exploding in protest over the Vietnam War. And today, the radical left wants to revisit those awful days by replicating the anti-war movement over the Iraq conflict. The question is - will they succeed?

35 years ago Americans all over were protesting a war they felt was wrong. Americans are again beginning to use their freedom of speech. Isn't that awful?

As you know, the radicals have latched on to Cindy Sheehan, who lost her son Casey in Iraq. Mrs. Sheehan strikes me as a decent woman who has no clue with whom she is currently swimming.

Even though I say that I'm looking out for the common man, this common woman is good, just stupid.

Sensing a chance to humiliate President Bush, the Michael Moore crowd has rallied around Mrs. Sheehan, who has become the anti-Iraq war poster person. But it's sad to watch this woman being used by organizations that not only oppose the Iraq war, but believe the USA is a fundamentally flawed nation. Cindy Sheehan's byline now leads the Michael Moore website. Is she really that bitter?

Every article in which I mention Michael Moore gets 100's more hits than if I do not. I'm going to paint anyone that has anything negative to say as anti-patriotic. If you have something bad to say, you hate the U.S.

It is one thing to object to a war; it is quite another to throw in with people who are consistently hateful towards traditional America. Cindy Sheehan now calls President Bush a murderer, and the USA an "imperialistic" country. But the woman has paid a price for her political leanings. Her husband filed for divorce last week, and some reports cited his wife's radicalism as one of the reasons.

Not just anti-patriotic, you're hateful, too. I'll pull random musings off of any website to back myself up. (Ms. Sheehan has been quoted as saying her husband supports her. Her marital problems go back much further than two weeks.) I'm hateful. This bitch got what she deserves. See what happens when you don't fall in line? Maybe if Cindy was a bit more patriotic and didn't question the president, her mother wouldn't have had a stroke. Some reports cite Cindy's radicalism as a reason for her mom's stroke.

I don't believe Cindy and her radical left pals will succeed in dividing the country this time around. It is true that most Americans now believe the Bush administration is fumbling the war, and that may well be true. Certainly, the continued violence in Iraq is troubling, and it is an open question as to whether the Iraqi people themselves will fight hard enough to win freedom, and that is the crux of this matter.

Anti-patriotic, hateful, AND you want to split the country.

The communists prevailed in Vietnam because they had a stronger will to win than the U.S.-supported South Vietnamese. At great sacrifice, America gave the South a chance to be free. They did not step up. The result was decades of totalitarianism that continues to this day, and millions of South Vietnamese and Cambodians murdered by the communists. Funny how the radicals never mention that, or the decades of atrocities committed by Saddam Hussein.

The U.S. was not wrong in Vietnam. It's the Vietnamese's fault that the war was lost. Even our bombings on Christmas day couldn't help.

President Bush has made two major mistakes in Iraq. The first is keeping Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. Rumsfeld, understandably, is simply exhausted. He needs to be replaced by a battle-hardened commander who will bring a fresh perspective to the conflict.

Second, Mr. Bush must define the danger he sees if the USA "cuts and runs." The WMD controversy and poor post-Saddam planning doesn't matter now. Terrorists want to kill us, and a victory in Iraq will embolden them and deliver huge momentum to their jihad. Why isn't the President on TV everyday saying this? If America cuts and runs in Iraq, the place will devolve into another terror state where Al Qaeda will have free reign.

I'll ignore the facts. More terrorists are now in Iraq than before the war. Every day our president keeps troops there, Osama Bin Laden has a huge recruitment situation. Also, anyone against the war must want troops all out of there now. Everything is black or white.

No one in their right mind would want Michael Moore or George Soros or Cindy Sheehan calling shots in the war on terror. If Mrs. Sheehan had any perspective at all, she would also protest outside the homes of Bill and Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and Tony Blair, all people who understand that cutting and running will lead to disaster for the USA. But in my opinion Mrs. Sheehan isn't interested in the big picture, she just wants to embarrass Mr. Bush.

Black. or. White.

The question is, will Americans buy what Cindy Sheehan is selling, or, instead, focus on what is really going on here? Unlike Vietnam, we are now fighting a war against people who want to come to our country and destroy it. These people are the driving force behind the "insurrection" in Iraq. They have chosen this battlefield because America made a mistake by underestimating the difficulty of imposing democracy in a culture that does not revere it.

If we "lose" this war, it's not our fault again. It's the Iraqis. They didn't work hard enough.

Once again, that mistake is history. What President Bush must do now is clarify the stakes in Iraq and rally Americans to support the global war on terror. If Mr. Bush does not do that, America will be in big trouble.

You're with us or you're against us.

The Great Magazine Chase

2005-08-18T20:34:00.000-04:00

So who won?

You should know me better than that.

All three.

In an odd convergence of want, need and promotional mailings - I found that I could get all three magazines pretty cheaply.

The New Yorker offered me (and 1000's more, I'm sure) the "professional" rate of $30 for a year. That's 50 issues for 30 bucks. Good deal.

Gawker had a story about Radar being offered "free" for certain people. So I just switched my phone number with my income and boom! One free year subscription.

Discover is on sale at Amazon for under 20 bucks for a full year. Much cheaper than on Discover's own website.

That's a lot of happy for not a lot of money. Anticlimactic, ain't it?

Eenie Meenie Magazine Moe

2005-08-17T18:48:00.000-04:00

A magazine subscription is a big commitment (OK, for me), you’ll be dealing with this partner for at least a year on a regular basis. So you can’t just pull the three-minute dating routine and subscribe to anything – you have to get a few issues, check out the writing over a bit of time and get to know them personally.

Here are the contenders.

1. The New Yorker
This magazine has been on my radar for sometime. (Thanks Jim, for the reinforcement.) It’s a solid magazine – a lot of excellent world reporting, decent fiction, and it isn’t too “New York-centric.”

I’m also sick of so many people starting conversations with “I read about so-and-so in The New Yorker – did you see that…” It must be a popular magazine with people that like talking about things they read in a magazine. These conversations always make me feel like an uneducated boob that should go back to his trailer and see if Bertha-mae has finished cleanin' my gun.

This magazine came up a lot when The New Yorker did a cover story on the gay community and crystal meth. Unfortunately, I got a lot of the “As a gay man, what do you think about that?” or, worse “As a gay man, tell me, is it all true?” Avoid this.

I usually countered with “As a straight person, what do you think about Britney Spears’ quickie marriage in Las Vegas? Is it true that straight people do that?” Don’t ask me to speak for an entire community unless you are willing to do the same.

But I’ve rambled. I can’t hold my friends against the New Yorker. Not for long anyway, the newsprint would rub off on their skin.

In other small ways The New Yorker bothers me. Face it, it’s pretentious. They use an umlaut in the word “cooperation.” They publish some really odd (I'd say "bad" but there I go being uneducated again) poetry.

2. Discover Magazine
I didn’t expect this one to be on here. A monthly – NOT published by the Discovery Channel – it wasn’t even a contender until I saw a copy in the airport with a cover story on string theory. Ever since I watched that three hour documentary from NOVA on string theory, I’m freaking hooked.

The rest of the magazine was really good as well. It reminded me of why I love science (my first major in college was biology before I transferred to the business school.) and the magazine doesn’t dumb things down like others.

At the same time, the magazine is not overly technical and is approachable. It has its share of fun stories like any other magazine, but they are about dinosaurs, not Jude Law’s penis. Also, in a bit of coincidence, I visit their website all the time when I am trying to pay my Discover Card bill online.

On the other hand, Discover isn’t a weekly, it’s a monthly. I’m usually almost always ready for a new magazine, and a month is a long time between fixes. I’ve only been able to read one issue, what if that one was a fluke of great editing?

3. Radar
Pop. Culture. Politics. Glamour. Gossip. This mantra – printed on the cover of every issue – sums up Radar better than I could. It’s a mixed bag – seemingly not dedicated to a genre, which could be its saving grace, or its demise.

Magazines seem to be all about demographics now-a-days. I like it so far (it’s only published two issues), they’ve included interesting articles on Tom Cruise and Scientology, Kanye West and Hillary Clinton.

It’s fresh. (to use an overused buzz word.)

The downside, obviously, is that I’m not sure this magazine will hang around for the 12 months of my subscription. It could go the way of Talk magazine, another of my past favorites – which Radar reminds me of. (Another personal favorite, gone too soon? George magazine.)

Also to consider, Radar is a monthly.

Enough for today. I sound like a magazine freak. (I am a magazine freak.)

Next: The Winner

Issues

2005-08-16T19:29:00.000-04:00

I go through this every year. Every year the magazine subscription that I have runs out, and I usually have to find a new one to replace it. Oddly, it's rare that I'll renew a magazine. Somehow, I outgrow them.

First, it was Entertainment Weekly, which I still buy when I'm going to take an airplane flight because it's a quick read and there are no hard words that might trip me up when I'm doped up so I can fly. But I soon got sick of getting it every week.

My sister hates this magazine with a passion because of its relentless use of puns in story titles. (A story on funny TV dads is "Father Knows Jest," and article on Reese Witherspoon is "The Gauge of Innocence.") I never noticed it until she pointed it out.

She's right. It's annoying as shit.

Then it was Vanity Fair. Which is still a good magazine, and still has some good in-depth investigative articles, but I got sick of the suck-up articles to the rich. The articles weren't even about the famous, just the rich. Vanity Fair also subjected me to a photo of Jocelyne Wildenstein, who has taken plastic surgery to a level never seen before. There was an article on her because, well, she's rich. Now I'm mentally scarred for life. No more Vanity Fair.

The last subscription was Time Out New York. Now, I know I live in Washington, DC, but I fell in love with its writing style and music coverage. Plus many of the shows occurring in New York were coming to DC sooner or later.

I still like TONY, but after awhile everything just seems to be a repeat of last year (they have a lot of "annual" issues) and a good chunk of the magazine space was taken up by NYC listings. If I lived in New York City, I'd consider renewing the subscription, but for now I'm done with TONY.

The subscription to TONY ended in May. Time for something new. Any suggestions?

Next: The Contenders

tastes like chicken

2005-08-13T12:51:00.000-04:00

How on earth did I miss this story?

Washingtonpost.com

END, Ore. -- A state board voted to publicly reprimand a Central Linn High School teacher and football coach for licking the bleeding wounds of several student athletes.

...
Reed agreed to "stipulated facts" that included him licking blood from wounds on a track team member's knee, a football player's arm, and a high school student's hand.

It was not clear why he licked the wounds.

The Linn County Sheriff's Office investigated the case last year. No charges were filed. Sheriff Dave Burright called the behavior "bizarre" but not criminal, since the contact wasn't forced.

Two students who reported licking incidents and another who witnessed an incident said it seemed that Reed was "just joking around."

Reed, a science teacher, resigned this spring as a track coach but remains the school's dean of students and head football coach.

The state sanctions virtually duplicated those imposed by the school district.

Just joking around? But, that's not funny. Who knew that vampires lurked in Oregon?

Hoy

2005-08-10T22:40:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my last day of Spanish class - so I can't write much today.

After tomorrow, I'll have plenty of time to really slack off and not write - not simply have no time to do it.

Its not hard - just watch what your doing

2005-08-09T19:58:00.000-04:00

Those with good grammar skills can skip today's entry. I'm never preachy, and I'm never opinionated (stop laughing), but please, for the love of God, listen to me!

1. Learn to use "your" vs. "you're." Repeat your sentence in your head - move your lips if you have to - and replace the "your" with the words "you are." If the sentence still makes sense then you need to use "you're.". It's the contraction of "you are." Examples include "You're a beautiful person, but death still awaits." and "Why are you kicking my skins? You're making them all bloody." "Your" is used for possession. Like "I threw the kidneys in your beady-eyed face," and "Under my breath, I silently cursed your awful sense of direction."

I think that's the most quotation marks I've ever used in a paragraph.

2. Learn to use "its" vs. "it's." This one is going to throw you for a loop! Repeat your sentence in your head again - think of it as a fun game! - and replace the "its" with the words "it is." If the sentence still makes sense, then you need to use "it's." It's [<-- see!] the contraction of "it is." "Its" is used for posession. Yes, yes, i know, typically the ' is used for possession, but listen up! It isn't in this case. "Its" is used for posession, like "The gas spread to my bedroom, and I tried to run from its caustic, skin-eating fumes." and "The sheep was pissing me off, so I removed its spleen."

It's not pretentious. It's a pet-peeve.

I Knew I Forgot Something

2005-08-08T19:57:00.000-04:00

Sorry for not blogging lately - it's not because I don't love you.

I was home in Buffalo this past weekend, and it was a great time. I had the chance to visit my cousin's farm in West Valley - it was amazing. Goats! Cattle! Pigs! Bigger Pigs! They had it all. It was like a petting zoo with bar-b-que.

The airports - DC National and Buffalo, were crazy as usual. The lines at Buffalo airport security at 6am in the morning never cease to amaze me. They must pack the flights into that early time period.

I wish more people acted like the passengers in Buffalo when they are boarding the plane. The airlines - in their infinite wisdom - have decided that passengers cannot read the row of the plane they are seated in, so they board the plane in "zones."

In DC, they may as well forget about the zones too. As soon as they call for Zone 1, everyone packs around the door and pushes their way on. People! It's not like you're going to miss this plane and have to take the next one. The seats are reserved. Why are you rushing on so you can sit and be annoyed by the man next to you who is too much elbows and not enough deodorant?

I wish more people acted like the passengers in DC when they are getting their luggage. Each airport - DC and Buffalo - have those huge long baggage carousels - like a huge centipede running along the wall. In DC people stand back and wait to see what comes out - allowing everyone to get their bag.

In Buffalo, people pack against that carousel so tight, you'd think they were giving other people's luggage away. If you are getting your bag, there is no reason for your whole family, including grandma, her walker and Petey the dog needs to be standing right at the carousel. Back up!

The airports simply need big signs. "DON'T BE STUPID." But, I tried that all over DC and it didn't work at all.

Drugs and Shampoo

2005-08-01T20:33:00.000-04:00

Coincidences are fun. Sometimes the most random things can just make your day. It's happened to me several times in the past few days.

I waited in a really long line for prescriptions at CVS. There's always a line at CVS, I'm not sure why I don't go somewhere else. If I needed a really important medication, I'd be dead by the time they got to me. But they're nice and they don't give me dirty looks for all the drugs I get, so I go.

On a recent trip I was finally at the counter and the pharmacist asked for my birthday, "April 2nd, 1976," I said, and all of a sudden the girl behind me says "What? My birthday is April 2nd, 1976." She was born on the exact same day as I was. "Wow!" I said, and then we realized that we had nothing else to say to one another, and I left.

Just last Friday I was getting my hair cut when we paused for a hair washing. They always have the most amazing conditioner at the salon - I keep asking to buy it, but they say it's not available on the market. I need to find out what it's called so I can get it on eBay. You can get anything on eBay.

So there I am, getting my luxurious locks rinsed, and I was talking to the woman washing my hair about going home this weekend to Buffalo. Bam! The guy getting his hair washed right next to me was from Buffalo, too.

No one that says they are from Buffalo is actually from the city of Buffalo, so I asked him which suburb he grew up in. "Amherst," he said, and closed his eyes and turned away. "My, my," I thought, "you act just like all the other assholes in Amherst, too!"

I don't know how many people from the Buffalo area read this chat, so I should make sure no one misunderstands my sentiment in the last statement.

I don't want to be insulting to everyone. I'm only saying that if you were raised in Amherst, NY, you are a little bitch asshole. All of you.

It's amazing the little things that make you happy, isn't it?

Off the Tract

2005-07-31T14:04:00.000-04:00

Chick Tracts are odd. I'm sure you've seen them in random public places, and maybe some freak handed one to you on Halloween when you were a kid. They claim to be "witnessing," spreading the word of Christ through cartoon pamphlets. You can read a lot of them on line - the descriptions alone are cringe worthy...

When a priceless carpet is permanently stained, its owner learns that only Jesus' blood can remove the stain of sin.

Suicide...The subject is common among teens today. But when Lance decides it is the only way out of his troubles, he discovers that hell is not the party place described in popular songs.

Debbie thought playing Dungeons and Dragons was fun...until it destroyed her friend.

Recently, the tracts have become even more odd - if that is possible. They seem to be straying away from the message about Jesus Christ - and also have started to rely on product placement for their cash-flow. The tract below is an example ... it's called "FEAR JESUS"

Pamphlets: A Natural Snark

2005-07-29T11:20:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how things come to you just when you need them. Here I was - questioning my blogging fate and wondering why I was having so much trouble coming up with ideas. I was even considering quitting when there are millions out there just like me!

How to get help? In pamphlet-form, of course: (from nonist via Gawker)

I think it's time for all of us to take a look and consider the information so perfectly placed in this pamphlet that instantly brought back 437 high school memories for me. Was it just mine, or did everyone's school nurse have pamphlets just like this in their office?

Great pamphlets like:
"So Your Dad is Dead - a Decomposition Story"
"Bulemia Makes me Yak"
"Homos: Nature's Comic Relief"
"Big Muscles, No Balls - Steroids and You"

I blame the internets for kids not being forced to read these today. They're missing out on these, as well as "free" comic books sponsored by Radio Shack! For shame.

don't look at me, I stopped buying it in 1997

2005-07-28T11:15:00.000-04:00

Photo via Gawker:

Additional headline not seen:
Or Could It Be Constantly Looking at Shirtless Men on the Covers of Sexually Conflicted Magazines?

So that's what Jazz is...

2005-07-26T19:12:00.000-04:00

I'm still a bit mired in Spanish homework and studying, but I wanted to bring a new website to your attention that I stumbled upon. I think that some of the funniest, best writing is found randomly on public walls - the website Pictures of Walls showcases it. (To be fair, some of the lamest writing is on walls too - if I see one more "Disco Dan" tag near DC I'm gonna end it all.)

Wall writing on this site is mostly from overseas, and varies from the political ...

... to the interesting ...

... to the just plain odd.

Anyway, it's worth a quick visit.

First, Take a Deep Breath

2005-07-24T11:16:00.000-04:00

The United States is gearing up for a tough Supreme Court nomination process.

Oil prices have never been higher - raising to over 60 dollars a barrel recently.

A heat-wave has hit the northeast and the west - bringing some of the highest temperatures recorded there and threatening wildfire in the southwest.

This has been the earliest, most active hurricane season ever - and look out - here comes Franklin and Gert, both already tropical storms.

In these times, I think it's important to think about some things. If nothing else, it will distract you until you need to put plywood over your windows again or take out a small bank loan to fill up your gas tank.

The Northern Lights

Fresh Blueberries

A Happy Puppy

Coffee

Great Music

Repeat as necessary.

ka-BOOM!

2005-07-22T19:50:00.000-04:00

For those that question the value of Public Television (you bastards), I give you a real head-turner. For anyone, it's a real find.

The PBS series NOVA, which I believe has been on TV since 1826, has made eight of its specials available online. The whole thing. No commercials.

The jewel of this bunch is a three hour series called "The Elegant Universe."

One of the most ambitious and exciting theories ever proposed - one that may be the long-sought "theory of everything," which eluded even Einstein - gets a masterful, lavishly computer-animated explanation from bestselling author-physicist Brian Greene, when NOVA presents a three-part series on the nuts, bolts, and sometimes outright nuttiness of string theory.

Watch the whole thing free here. Want it full-screen? OkeeDough-kee. As you watch online links will come up to give the biographies of the people talking, interactive features and behind the scenes information.

No one, but no one at a typical network is going to produce a three hour series on string theory. They're all too busy producing shows about spark plugs, motorcycles and the lives of tattoo artists.

A lot of people are critical of funneling public funds into public television. Interestingly, the people critical of public television don't watch it very often. Figures.

Da Da Da

2005-07-21T20:30:00.000-04:00

I think I've written some good posts - I like to chat about odd things in my life and point out what's on my mind. So, of course, the shocker post is what gets me mentioned overseas. Does anyone out there read Russian? I'd really like to know what they're saying about me.

From Petrosian.com

16.07.2005 / Сеть / Дъявол кроется в мелочах
Заметку читали 53 раз(а), комментарии: 0

В выходные, когда позволяет время, люблю побродить по англоязычным блогам. Вычитал забавную историю о том, как можно попасть в дурацкую ситуацию, не обращая внимание на мелочи. В оформлении сайта Вашингтонского общества мастеров исполнительского искусства (поправьте меня, если я не правильно перевёл название организации) использована симпатичная фотография. Рядом с улыбающимся виолончелистом Йо Йома, который мне очень нравится, девушка в индийском наряде. Я бы не обратил внимание на жест её рук. Как пишут в заметке, те, кто знает, что он обозначает долго смеялись, те, кому рассказали куда засовывают так пальцы, были в шоке.

I'm the third link there, and I'd really like to know if пишут в заметке is Appreciate the Cheese in Russian.

No matter what it says, I'm glad the cheese has spread.

Olé!

2005-07-21T10:44:00.000-04:00

Sorry for being away -- I have a Spanish exam today that I have been going nuts preparing for.

I should be able to write tonight or tomorrow.

See you soon! (gracias!)

Media

2005-07-18T21:10:00.000-04:00

The image to the right is on the front page of washingtonpost.com.

Well thank God they told me! I'll tell you, I've been trying to avoid the sun by staying in the night-time, but every time I wake up, I've lost it.

In other news, my post of three days ago (Shocker, etc.) has caused a flurry of comments at adrants.com, where it was picked up. It seems as if they are all against me, but it seems to me they are confusing my defense of advertising care with defense of the shocker. This is one of the negative aspects of blogging. Of course, because I have this blog, I can also say that I hate them all and I hope they get the gonad cancer. (That's a positive of blogging.)

The post has garnered 14 comments, and their typical comment count is 2-4, and my hit count doubled without the use of naked pictures of Carmen Electra, so I feel I did my job. Even if everyone there does think I'm a pervert. (and that gonad comment isn't going to help.)

A day of extremes

2005-07-17T09:51:00.000-04:00

My friend Lisa moved away yesterday - I helped her move her stuff out into a truck.

Everyone that helped loved the eclair cake I made to eat.

I took half the cake home and will probably eat it and gain weight.

Fat people are jolly.

Once, I put a bag of jolly-time popcorn in my microwave and soon the microwave broke and started on fire.

At the beginning of civilization, fire was a very important discovery.

I never did well in Civics class in High School.

At times in High School I had a lot of fun - performing in musicals and making a lot of good friends.

I'm really going to miss my good friend Lisa.

Dirty!

2005-07-15T15:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not a profane person by birth. I swear. But I can't help the knowledge of profanity and dirty information that is thrust upon me. I blame the internets.

Because of this fact, I can't help but burst out laughing when I visit the webpage to a very popular performing arts organization here in the District of Columbia. On part of the page, you see the image on the right here.

There's the always smiling YoYo Ma, cradling his $475 billion cello in his hands. Next to him stands a woman of Indian heritage in what I'm sure is a perfectly acceptable and interesting dance pose.

So why burst out laughing? YoYo Ma isn't funny - even though at one point he did stand up comedy to pay for cello lessons in Brooklyn, a fact you may not be aware of because I just made it up.

It's that pose. I'd seen it before.

LORD ALMIGHTY! It's "The Shocker"!

For those of you that don't use the internets for pure filth, the shocker is a hand gesture that is representative of an ... interesting sexual act. Most people don't know what it means.

Hanover High School administrators didn't either, until it showed up in umpteen photos in the yearbook, and one brave faculty member (who no doubt loves his internets) let everyone in on the big secret:

It is a gesture meant to indicate a sexual act, wherein the first and second fingers enter a vagina, while the errant pinky plunges into the anus; hence the "shock". The gesture, the province of minds quite filthy in nature, has taken on other, more explicit names: "Two in the pink and one in the stink", "two in the coot and one in the boot", "going to town with one in the brown".

Yes, quite rude, quite crude... but a minimal impact, considering its relative obscurity and difficult explanation. You can imagine Cokefair's eyes tearing up with anger as he flipped through the photographs; smiling faces, blushing with youth and vitality, innocently holding up a signal representing digital sodomy and sexual manipulation. The despair in the room, the struggle to decide what to do, must have been palpable.

And here's our favorite performer staring out from the homepage - and, I might add, the cover of their four-color mailed brochure - advocating rump fingering in her own unknowing way. First I thought it was a very sneaky way of using sex to sell the performing arts, but now my money's on the designers and marketing folks there being some of the many still in the dark.

They'll be using that picture in advertisements all year; how long I should wait before I call someone over there and spill the beans? I'm thinking February.

Damn

2005-07-13T20:14:00.000-04:00

As seen on washingtonpost.com...

You mean there´s going to be another one?!

How do you say 'Egads' in Spanish?

2005-07-12T20:13:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how much I'll be able to post in the next few weeks; I have to hit the Spanish books, hard. I'd like to hit them so hard that they smash into little pieces - then I'll have an excuse not to study them, but even I'll admit the chances of that are pretty slim.

There are a few things I've learned about the Spanish language during my last 7 1/2 weeks of studying; I thought I'd share them with you.

1. Everything has sex. Everything is classified as either masculine or feminine. It's like a big gay bar of nouns. So, weddings are feminine, but supermarkets are masculine. Oddly, tampons are masculine and scratching your crotch is feminine. You may not have heard of this rule, because I just made it up.

2. Words are hard. It's hard to memorize all these nouns. Sometimes see Spanish written, all the words seem like simple variations on English. That's a load of hooey. (note: there is no Spanish word for hooey.) So, while 'hero' is translated as 'heroe', 'key' is 'llave'. I also quickly learned that "volverse loco" is the infinitive verb form of "to go crazy."

3. Every verb has 843 forms, 843 of which you will not remember when the professor calls on you in class.

4. Maybe old dogs really can't learn new tricks.

Appreciate the Cheese

lyin iz ok for prez peeps

I'm in yr Supreme Court ...

I CAN HAS PARDON PLZ?

First Item needed for new Condo

Helpful Hint #2

Helpful Hint

Quote of 2006

Ho Ho Houuuaaarrrgh!

sorry

Bird Flu reaches Euro-Disney

Sometimes

Da Plane! Da Plane!

Getting High

ugh.

WOOT!

Tips for the Traveler

what's that smell?

They were next to the solar flashlight

something wicked this way ...

s'hot

Four Legs Good, This Movie Bad

so that's why metro is crowded ...

Sorry, I got nothing.

Radar Love

BUG!

guhbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

... and don't call me Shirley

To the people across the alley from my window ...

Lights, Camera ...

And he could speaka the english!

puhwwwweeese?

NoooooooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOoooO!!!!

My bitch dental hygenist gave me a fat lip.

UberTV

EXCLUSIVE! Sopranos Premiere Photos

"Next time get 500 thread count, jerk."

WUHHHHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHHHH

And bacteria and complaints.

iPope

Creamed

huh.

*applause*

Did ya READ the TICKET?

Fun with Limewire

Ghost Whisperer, Too.

Wool?

Embarrassment of Riches

We Interrupt This Broadcast: Roach!

Static & Snow: Don't Beboop It

Thinking ... Thinking ...

Fridays with Lisa - 10/21/05

The WB: Imitation is the sincerest form of ratings

I'm being forced to watch 'Freddie'

'Out of Practice' needs nudity

'Desperate Housewives' is just as good this season so stop your whining.

'Medium' made me claw my eyes out

Fridays With Lisa - 10/14/05

Cheese Change

Smells like Bacon

Tivi!

Variations on a theme

Ixnay

shame.

Aftermath

The lame never ends

Lame

Snip Snip

Only one thing today ...

Addictive Lines

Your Guide to distinguishing between an afternoon 'caster, a clothing master and some random woman walking faster.

Every City Has Its Television Promotions

Scratch!

Just one thing!

Crossed Signals

sigh.

The Great Magazine Chase

Eenie Meenie Magazine Moe

Issues

tastes like chicken

applause